Chapter 81
IT requires (says Sydney Smith) a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotch understanding. Their only idea of wit, or rather that inferior variety of the electric talent which prevails occasionally in the North, and which, under the name of _Wut_, is so infinitely distressing to people of good taste, is laughing immoderately at stated intervals. They are so imbued with metaphysics that they even make love metaphysically. I overheard a young lady of my acquaintance, at a dance in Edinburgh, exclaim, in a sudden pause of the music, "What you say, my lord, is very true of love in the _aibstract_, but----" Here the fiddlers began fiddling furiously, and the rest was lost.
MCDLI.--WHERE IT CAME FROM.
A LADY, whose fondness for generous living had given her a flushed face and rubicund nose, consulted Dr. Cheyne. Upon surveying herself in the gla.s.s, she exclaimed, "Where in the name of wonder, doctor, did I get _such a nose_ as this?"--"Out of the _decanter, madam_," replied the doctor.
MCDLII.--QUIN AND CHARLES I.
QUIN sometimes said a wise thing. Disputing concerning the execution of Charles I.,--"By what laws," said his opponent, "was he put to death?"
Quin replied, "By all the _laws_ that he had _left them_."
MCDLIII.--TIMELY FLATTERY.
A GENTLEMAN was asked by Mrs. Woffington, what difference there was between her and her watch; to which he instantly replied, "Your watch, madam, makes us _remember_ the hours, and you make us _forget_ them."
MCDLIV.--EPIGRAM ON TWO CONTRACTORS.
TO gull the public two contractors come, One pilfers corn,--the other cheats in rum.
Which is the greater knave, ye wits explain, A rogue in _spirit_, or a rogue in _grain_?
MCDLV.--TRAVELLERS SEE STRANGE THINGS.
A TRAVELLER, when asked whether, in his youth, he had gone _through Euclid_, was not quite sure, but he thought it was a _small village_ between Wigan and Preston.
MCDLVI.--AN UNCONSCIOUS INSULT.
A FRENCHMAN, who had learned English, wished to lose no opportunity of saying something pretty. One evening he observed to Lady R., whose dress was fawn color, and that of her daughter pink, "Milady, your daughter is de _pink_ of beauty."--"Ah, monsieur, you Frenchmen always flatter."--"No, madam, I only do speak the truth, and what all de world will allow, that your daughter is de pink, and you are de _drab_ of fas.h.i.+on."
MCDLVII.--A CLOSE TRANSLATION.
A COUNTRY gentleman, wis.h.i.+ng to be civil to Dr. B----, a translator of Juvenal,
MCDLVIII.--NEW RELATIONs.h.i.+P.
A STRANGER to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother,"
expressed his surprise. "O," said one present, "they are brothers,--_brothers-in-law_."
MCDLIX.--ONLY A NINEPIN.
THE Earl of Lonsdale was so extensive a proprietor, and patron of boroughs, that he returned nine members to Parliament, who were facetiously called Lord Lonsdale's ninepins. One of the members thus designated, having made a very extravagant speech in the House of Commons, was answered by Mr. Burke in a vein of the happiest sarcasm, which elicited from the House loud and continued cheers. Mr. Fox, entering the House just as Mr. Burke was sitting down, inquired of Sheridan what the House was cheering. "O, nothing of consequence,"
replied Sheridan, "only Burke has knocked down one of _Lord Lonsdale's ninepins_."
MCDLX.--DR. WALCOT'S REQUEST FOR IVORY TICKETS, SENT TO s.h.i.+ELD, THE COMPOSER.
SON of the string (I do not mean Jack Ketch, Though Jack, like thee, produceth dying tones), Oh, yield thy pity to a starving wretch, And for to-morrow's _treat_ pray send thy _bones_!
MCDLXI.--DIFFICULTIES IN EITHER CASE.
ONE evening, at a private party at Oxford, at which Dr. Johnson was present, a recently published essay on the future life of brutes was referred to, and a gentleman, disposed to support the author's opinion that the lower animals have an "immortal part," familiarly remarked to the doctor, "Really, sir, when we see a very sensible dog, we don't know what to think of him." Johnson, turning quickly round, replied, "True, sir; and when we see a very foolish _fellow_, we don't know what to think of _him_."
MCDLXII.--A PROFESSIONAL AIM.
IN a duel between two attorneys, one of them shot away the skirt of the other's coat. His second, observing the truth of his aim, declared that had his friend been engaged with a _client_ he would very probably have _hit his pocket_.
MCDLXIII.--FLYING COLORS.
SIR G.o.dFREY KNELLER latterly painted more for profit than for praise, and is said to have used some whimsical preparations in his colors, which made them work fair and smoothly off, but not endure. A friend, noticing it to him, said, "What do you think posterity will say, Sir G.o.dfrey Kneller, when they see these pictures some years hence?"--"Say!"
replied the artist: "why, they'll say Sir G.o.dfrey Kneller _never_ painted them!"
MCDLXIV.--AN ENTERTAINING PROPOSITION.
A POMPOUS fellow made a very inadequate offer for a valuable property; and, calling the next day for an answer, inquired of the gentleman if he had _entertained his proposition_. "No," replied the other, "your proposition _entertained me_."
MCDLXV.--UNION OF OPPOSITES.
A PHRENOLOGIST remarking that some persons had the organ of murder and benevolence strongly and equally developed, his friend replied, "that doubtless those were the persons _who would kill one with kindness_."
MCDLXVI.--EPIGRAM.
(On ----'s Veracity.)
HE boasts about the truth I've heard, And vows he'd never break it; Why, zounds, a man _must_ keep his word When n.o.body will take it.
MCDLXVII.--AN UNTAXED LUXURY.
A LADY having remarked in company that she thought there should be a tax on "_the single state_"; "Yes, madam," rejoined an obstinate old bachelor, "as on all other _luxuries_."
MCDLXVIII.--A DEAR SPEAKER.
SOON after the Irish members were admitted into the House of Commons, on the union of the kingdom in 1801, one of them, in the middle of his maiden speech, thus addressed the chair: "And now, _my dear_ Mr.
Speaker," etc. This excited loud laughter. As soon as the mirth had subsided, Mr. Sheridan observed, "that the honorable member was perfectly in order; for, thanks to the ministers, now-a-days _everything is dear_."