Chapter 86
MDXLIII.--RESTING HERSELF.
A LABORER'S daughter, who had been in service from her childhood, would frequently wish to be married, that, as she expressed herself, she might _rest her bones_. Some time afterwards she got married, and her late mistress meeting her, asked her, "Well, Mary, have you rested your bones yet?"--"Yes, indeed," replied she, with a sigh, "I have rested my _jaw-bones_."
MDXLIV.--A CHARTIST NOT A LEVELLER.
A CHARTIST at a public meeting, in the course of a speech about the "five points" of the charter, exclaimed, "Gentlemen, is not one man as good as another?"--"Uv course he is," shouted an excited Irish chartist, "and _a great deal betther_."
MDXLV.--DEATH AND DR. BOLUS.
"MY dart," cried Death, "I cannot find, So now I'm quite at sea."
Quoth Dr. Bolus, "Never mind,-- There, take this recipe."
MDXLVI.--AN EVASION.
A WELL-DRESSED fellow walked into a room where they were talking politics, and, stretching himself up to his full height, exclaimed, in a loud voice, "Where is a radical? Show me a radical, gentlemen, and I'll show you a liar!" In an instant a man exclaimed, "I am a radical, sir!"--"_You_ are?"--"Yes, sir, I _am_!"--"Well, just you step round the corner with me, and I'll _show you_ a fellow who said I couldn't find a radical in the ward. Ain't _he_ a liar, I should like to know?"
MDXLVII.--GOING FROM THE POINT.
CURRAN, in describing a speech made by Sergeant Hewitt, said: "My learned friend's speech put me exactly in mind of a familiar utensil in domestic use, commonly called an _extinguisher_. It began at a point, and on it went widening and widening, until at last it fairly put the question out altogether."
MDXLVIII.--DEFINING A CREED.
A FRIEND of Sydney Smith inquired, "What is Puseyism!" To which the witty canon replied: "Puseyism, sir, is inflexion and genuflexion; posture and imposture; bowing to the east, and curtseying to the west."
MDXLIX.--A BIT OF MOONs.h.i.+NE.
BROUGHAM, speaking of the salary attached to a new judges.h.i.+p, said it was all moons.h.i.+ne. Lyndhurst, in his dry and waggish way, remarked, "May be so, my Lord Harry; but I have a strong notion that, moons.h.i.+ne though it be, you would like to see the _first quarter_ of it."
MDL.--EPIGRAM.
WHEN at the head of our most gracious king, Disloyal Collins did his pebble fling,-- "Why choose," with tears the injured monarch said,
MDLI.--A KIND HINT.
LORD GREY complains that he cannot succeed in pleasing any party. He should follow the example of duellists, and by _going out_ he would certainly give _satisfaction_.
MDLII.--PRIEST'S ORDERS.
AN actor named Priest was playing at one of the princ.i.p.al theatres. Some one remarked to the Garrick Club that there were a great many men in the pit. "Probably clerks _who have taken Priest's orders_," said Mr. Poole, one of the best punsters as well as one of the cleverest comic satirists of the day.
MDLIII.--SHERIDAN AND BURKE.
AFTER a very violent speech from an opposition member, Mr. Burke started suddenly from his seat, and rushed to the ministerial side of the house, exclaiming with much vehemence, "I quit the camp! I quit the camp!"--"I hope," said Mr. Sheridan, "as the honorable gentleman has quitted the camp as a _deserter_, he will not return as a _spy_."
MDLIV.--ALWAYS THE BETTER.
A CAMBRIDGE tutor said to his pupil, "If you go over to Newmarket, beware of betting, for in nine cases out of ten it brings a man to ruin."--"Sir," said the youth, "I must really differ from you; so far from ever being the worse for it, I have invariably been _the better_."
MDLV.--A PUNGENT PINCH.
WHEN Curran was cross-examining Lundy Foot, the celebrated Irish tobacconist, he put a question at which Lundy hesitated a great deal: "Lundy," exclaimed Curran, "that's a poser,--a deuse of a _pinch_, Lundy!"
MDLVI.--"OFF WITH HIS HEAD."
AN EMINENT painter, who had suffered, under the common malady of his profession, namely, to paint portraits for persons who neither paid for them nor took them away, sent word to an ugly customer who refused to pay, that he was in treaty for the picture with the landlord of the "_Saracen's Head_." It was paid for immediately.
MDLVII.--ON A GREAT TALKER.
TO hear Dash by the hour blunder forth his vile prose, Job himself scarcely patience could keep; He's so dull that each moment we're ready to doze, Yet so noisy we can't go to sleep.
MDLVIII.--DRY HUMOR.
AN Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman a long stage during torrents of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I wouldn't care about being _very wet_, if I wasn't so _very dry_, your honor."
MDLIX.--CHANGE FOR A GUINEA.
THE beautiful Lady Coventry was exhibiting to Selwyn a splendid new dress, covered with large silver spangles, the size of a s.h.i.+lling, and inquired of him whether he admired her taste. "Why," he said, "you will be _change for a guinea_."
MDLX.--AS BLACK AS HE COULD BE PAINTED.
A LITTLE boy one day came running home, and said, "O father, I've just seen the blackest man that ever was!"--"How black was he, my son?"--"O, he was as black as black can be! why, father, charcoal would make a _white_ mark on him!"
MDLXI.--A MAN AND A BROTHER.
HARRY WOODWARD, walking with a friend, met a most miserable object, who earnestly solicited their charity. On Woodward giving a few pence, his friend said, "I believe that fellow is an impostor."--"He is either the most distressed man, or the best actor, I ever saw in my life," replied the comedian: "and, as _either one or the other, he has a brotherly claim upon me_."
MDLXII.--PULLING UP A POET.
A POET was once walking with T----, in the street, reciting some of his verses. T---- perceiving, at a short distance, a man yawning, pointed him out to the poet, saying, "Not so loud, _he hears you_."