Chapter 89
THY flattering picture, Phryne, 's like to thee Only in this, that you both painted be.
MDC.--ANSWERING HER ACCORDING TO HER FOLLY.
A LADY having put to Canning the silly question, "Why have they made the s.p.a.ces in the iron gate at Spring Gardens so narrow?" he replied, "O, ma'am, because such _very fat people used to go through_" (a reply concerning which Tom Moore remarked that "the person who does not relish it can have no perception of real wit").
MDCI.--THE SUN IN HIS EYE.
LORD PLUNKETT had a son in the Church at the time the t.i.the Corporation Act was pa.s.sed, and warmly supported the measure. Some one observed, "I wonder how it is that so sensible a man as Plunkett _cannot see_ the imperfections in the t.i.the Corporation Act!"--"Pooh! pooh!" said Norbury, "the reason's plain enough; he has _the sun (son) in his eye_."
MDCII.--A BRIGHT REJOINDER.
AN Englishman paying an Irish s...o...b..ack with rudeness, the "dirty urchin" said, "My honey, all the _polish_ you have is upon your boots and I gave you that."
MDCIII.--WELL TURNED.
ON the formation of the Grenville administration, Bushe, who had the reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from court, on the ground that he was _cabinet-making_. The chancellor maliciously disclosed the excuse on his return. "O, indeed, my lord, that is an occupation in which my friend would distance me, as I was never a _turner_ or a _joiner_."
MDCIV.--A QUICK LIE.
A CONCEITED c.o.xcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish laborer, "Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you can, and I'll treat you to a jug of whiskey-punch."--"By my word," said Pat, "an' yer honor's a _gintleman_!"
MDCV.--A MERRY THOUGHT.
THEY cannot be complete in aught Who are not humorously p.r.o.ne; A man without a merry thought Can hardly have a funny bone.
MDCVI.--AN IMPUDENT WIT.
HOOK one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention directed to a very pompous gentleman, who strutted along as if the street were his own. Instantly leaving his companion, Hook went up to the stranger
MDCVII.--WEARING AWAY.
A SCHOOLMASTER said of himself: "I am like a _hone_, I sharpen a number of _blades_, but I wear myself in doing it."
MDCVIII.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.
JUDGE JEFFREYS, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who was about to be tried), said, "There is a great rogue at the end of my cane." The man pointed at, inquired, "_At which end_, my lord?"
MDCIX.--A BASE JOKE.
A GENTLEMAN one day observed to Henry Erskine, that punning was the _lowest_ of wit. "It is," answered Erskine, "and therefore the _foundation_ of all wit."
MDCX.--A WIDE-AWAKE MINISTER.
LORD NORTH'S good humor and readiness were of admirable service to him when the invectives of his opponents would have discomforted a graver minister. He frequently indulged in a real or seeming slumber. On one occasion, an opposition debater, supposing him to be napping, exclaimed, "Even now, in these perils, the n.o.ble lord is asleep!"--"I wish _I was_," suddenly interposed the weary minister.
MDCXI.--ON CARDINAL WOLSEY.
BEGOT by butchers, but by bishops bred, How high his honor holds his haughty head!
MDCXII.--NOT FINDING HIMSELF.
"HOW do you find yourself to-day," said an old friend to Jack Reeve, as he met him going in dinner costume to the city. "Thank you," he replied, "the Lord Mayor _finds me_ to-day."
MDCXIII.--A WITTY PROPOSITION.
SHERIDAN, being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room as all the members were seated and ready to commence business.
Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a droll expression of countenance, said: "Will any gentleman _move_ that I may take the _chair_?"
MDCXIV.--A WARM MAN.
A MAN with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was, replied that he kept a _hot-house_.
MDCXV.--LONG AGO.
A LADY, who was very submissive and modest before marriage, was observed by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely after. "There was a time,"
he remarked, "when I almost imagined she had _no tongue_."--"Yes," said the husband, with a sigh, "but it's very _very long_ since!"
MDCXVI.--AN UNLIKELY RESULT.
WHEN Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him, offered him "suche poore cheere" as he had; to which the ex-chancellor replied, "a.s.sure yourself, master lieutenant, I do not mislike my cheer; but whensoever so I do, _then thrust me out of your doors_."
MDCXVII.--POLITICAL LOGIC.
IF two decided negatives will make Together one affirmative, let's take P----t's and L----t's, each a rogue _per se_, Who by this rule an honest pair will be.
MDCXVIII.--A WISE DECISION.
A GENTLEMAN going to take water at Whitehall stairs, cried out, as he came near the place, "Who can swim?"--"I, master," said forty bawling mouths; when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after him; but the fellow turning about, said, "Sir, I cannot swim,"--"Then you are my man," said the gentleman, "for you will at least _take care of me for your own sake_."