Real Life In London

1 Although the Hon. Tom Dashall hurried his Cousin from the scene of altercation, at the time of its occurrence, they enjoyed a hearty laugh at the following report of the facts which appeared in one of the morning papers shortly afterwards:--

EFHRAIM versus STEWART.

"This was a proceeding in limine, by which the plain till'

sought reparation for violence done to his religious scruples and bodily health by the defendant, inasmuch as he, the plaintiff being a Jew, on Wednesday, the 12th day of this month, in the forenoon, in the parish of St. Paul Covent Garden, did, with malice aforethought, knock him down with a pig's head, contrary to the statute, and against the peace of our Sovereign Lord the King," &c.

Both plaintiff and defendant pleaded each for himself, no counsel being employed on either side.

Ephraim Ephraim deposed, that he is by profession an orange- merchant, carrying on his business in Covent Garden market.

That the defendant, Richard Stewart, is a dealer in pork and poultry in the said market; and that he the said Richard Stewart, on the day and time then stated, did thrust a pig's face against his cheek with such violence, as to throw him backwards into a chest of oranges, whereby he sustained great damage both in body, mind, and merchandize. Plaintiff stated moreover, that he had previously and on sundry occasions forewarned the said Richard Stewart, it was contrary to the tenets of his religion to come in contact with pork, and yet nevertheless he the said Richard did frequently, and from time to time, intrude pork upon his attention, by holding it up aloft in the market, and exclaiming aloud, "Ephraim, will you have a mouthful?" All this, he humbly submitted, betokened great malice and wickedness in the said Richard, and he therefore besought the magistrate to interpose the protection of the law in bis behalf.

The magistrate observed, that he was astonished a person of Mr. Stewart's appearance and respectability should be guilty of such conduct, and having explained to him that the law afforded equal protection to the professors of every religion, called upon him for his defence.

"May it please your Wors.h.i.+p," said Mr. Richard Stewart, who is a well fed man, of a jolly and pleasing countenance, "May it please your Wors.h.i.+p, I keeps a shop in Covent Garden Market, and have done so any time these ten years, and Mr.

Ephraim's stand is next to mine. Now, your Wors.h.i.+p, on Wednesday morning I'd a hamper o'pork sent up out o'Hertfords.h.i.+re, and so I opened the hamper, and at the top of it lay a nice head, and I takes it and holds it up and says I, Heres a bootiful head, says I, did ever any body see such a handsome un, and sure enough your Wors.h.i.+p it was the most bootiftd as ever was, and would a done any body's heart good to see it. It was cut so clean of the quarter (drawing his finger closely across his own neck), and was so short i'the snout, and as white as a sheet,--it was, your Wors.h.i.+p, remarkably handsome. And so, I said, says I, look here, did ever tiny body see such a picture, holding it up just in this manner. With that, 'Ah, says Mr. Ephraim, says he, now my dream's out; I dream't last night that I saw two pig's heads together, and there they are;' meaning my head, and the pig's head, your Wors.h.i.+p. Well, I took no notice o'that, but I goes me gently behind him, and slides the pig's head by the side of his head, claps my own o' the other side all on a row, with the pig's in the middle, your Wors.h.i.+p; and says I to the folks, says I, now who'll say which is the honestest face of the three. With that, your Wors.h.i.+p, all the folks fell a laughing, and I goes myself quietly back again to a stall. But poor Ephraim, he fell in such a pa.s.sion! Lord, Lord, to see what a pucker he were in, he danced, and he capered, and he rubbed his whiskers, though I verily believe the pig's head never touched him; and he jumped and he fidgeted about, all as one as if he was mad, till at last he tumbled into the orange chest, your Wors.h.i.+p, of his own accord, as it were, and that's the long and the short of it, your Wors.h.i.+p, as my neighbours here can specify."

His Wors.h.i.+p, having listened attentively to those conflicting statements, decided that the defendant had acted indecently in insulting the religious feelings of the plaintiff, though at the same time the affair was hardly worth carrying to the Sessions, and therefore he would recommend the plaintiff to be satisfied with an apology.

The defendant expressed the greatest willingness to apologize. "For," says he, "I have ax'd another Jew what could make Mr. Ephraim in such a pa.s.sion; and he told me, your Wors.h.i.+p, that if you get a rale Jew, and rub him with a bit o'pork, it's the greatest crime as ever was."

Plaintiff and defendant then retired, and the matter was compromised.

~~250~~~ The Israelite appeared to be in a great rage, swore he would have revenge of his insulting neighbour, and pull him up. The exasperation of the Jew afforded much merriment to the spectators, who seemed to enjoy his aggravation: our friends, however, had arrived too late to discover the cause, and although not very particular about discovering themselves amid the mob, conceived it most prudent to move onward without inquiry; "for," as Tom observed, "if we ask any questions we are sure to be told lies: "they then pa.s.sed through the Market, made their way up James-street to Long Acre, and thence to Drury-lane.

[Ill.u.s.tration: page250.jpg Drury Lane]

The watchmen were just leaving their stations, with an intention to partake of what they had all night been endeavouring to deprive others, and the humbler ranks of society were preparing for the business of the day; while the batter'd beau, the clean'd out buck, and the dissipated voluptuary, were occasionally to be seen gliding from holes and corners, and scampering home with less wisdom in their heads, and less money in their purses, than when they left. Here was to be seen the City shopman, hastening away from his dulcenea, to get down his master's shutters before the gouty old gentleman should be able to crawl down stairs; there, the dandy, half dressed, and more than half seas over, b.u.t.toning his toggery close round him to keep out the damp air of the morning, affecting to sing

"Be gone dull care;"

slipped along, as he supposed, un.o.bserved, between dustmen, scavengers, flue-fakers, gardeners, fish-f.a.gs, and brick-layer's labourers--to refit and put himself in a situation to recount the adventures of the night.

At one door, stood a s.h.i.+vering group of half-starved chimney-sweepers, rending the air with their piercing cries of "sweep," occasionally relieved by a few hearty d---ns bestowed upon the servant, that she did not come down, in order to let a diminutive urchin yet up the flue; leaning against a post at the corner of the street was an overdone Irishman, making a bargain with pug-nosed

~~251~~~ "Poor fellow," said Tom, "it would be a charity to pop him into a rattler, and drive him home; and do you see, he is standing close to a mud cart, the delicate drippings of which are gently replenis.h.i.+ng his otherwise empty pockets."

"Be aisy," said Pat Murphy the hodman, "arn't he an Irish jontleman, arn't I a jontleman from Ireland; and arn't it lit and proper, and right and just, as well as jontlemanly, that two jontlemen should go together, so come along Peg, we'll just take a taste of the cratur, drink success to the lads of Sh.e.l.laly, and put the matter in its right shape." With this pug-nosed Peg seized him by one arm, and the last orator by the other, and in a short time they entered a sluicery in the neighbourhood, which enclosed the party from view.

Turning from the group which they had been paying attention to, they were suddenly attracted by a female purveyor for the stomach, who was serving out her tea, coffee, and saloop, from a boiling cauldron, and handing with due complaisance to her customers bread and b.u.t.ter, which was as eagerly swallowed and devoured by two dustmen, who appeared to relish their delicate meal with as much of appet.i.te and gout, as the pampered palate of a City alderman would a plate of turtle. The figure of the lady, whose commodities were thus desirable and refres.h.i.+ng to the hungry dust-collectors, struck Bob at the first view as having something matronly and kind about it.

"These persons," said Tom, "are really useful in their vocation; and while they provide a wholesome beverage for the industrious, are rather deserving of approbation than censure or molestation: the latter, however, they are frequently subjected to; for the kids of lark, in their moments of revelry, think lightly of such poor people's stock in trade, and consider it a prime spree to upset the whole concern, without caring who may be scalded by the downfall, or how many of their fellow-creatures may go without a breakfast and dinner in consequence; but do you mark the other woman behind her?"

"I do," said Bob, "and it is impossible to view them both without noticing the striking contrast they form to each other."

~~252~~~ "Your observations are just," continued Tom; "that is an old beldame of the neighbourhood, in search of the poor unhappy girl who has just taken the Irishman in tow, an encourager of all that is vicious and baneful in society."

"I could almost judge that from her features," replied Bob, "though I do not pretend to much skill in physiognomy."

"A debauched body and a vitiated mind are perceptible in her face, and having remained on the town till these were too visible for her to hope for a continuance, she is now a tutoress of others, to make the most of those with whom they promiscuously a.s.sociate. She furnishes the finery, and shares the plunder. It is, however, a melancholy and disgusting picture of Real Life in London, and merely deserves to be known in order to be avoided, for there is no species of villainy to which persons of her stamp"--

"Of whom it is to be hoped there are but few," cried Tallyho, interrupting him.

"For the sake of human nature," replied Dashalt., "it is to be hoped so; but there is no species of villainy to which they will not stoop." {1}

1 The Hon. Tom Dashall's observations on this subject are but too strikingly exemplified by a case heard at Wors.h.i.+p- street Police Office a short time back, in which Jemima Matthews was charged with conduct which excited astonishment at the depravity of human nature.--One of the parish constables of Spitalfields stated, he proceeded to the residence of the prisoner in Upper Cato-street, and found the wretch at the bar surrounded by eight children, while a supper, consisting of a variety of meats and vegetables, was making ready on the fire. Three children, Frederick Clark, John Clark, and John Bailey, were owned by their parents.

The children seemed so much under the controul of this infamous woman, that they were afraid to tell the truth until she was removed from the bar. Little Bailey then said, they were daily sent out to steal what they could, and bring it home in the evening. When they could get nothing else, they stole meat from the butchers, and vegetables from the green-grocers. The woman kept a pack of cards, by which she told their fortunes, whether they would succeed, or be caught by the officers. Mr. Swaby observed, that since he had attended the Office, he never witnessed a case of so much iniquity. The prisoner was remanded for further examination, and the magistrate intimated he should desire the parish to prosecute her for the misdemeanor, in exciting these children to commit felonies.

~~253~~~ At this moment their attention was suddenly called to another subject, by a loud huzza from a combination of voices at no great distance from where they then were, and in a few minutes a considerable concourse of dustmen and others appeared in view.

"There is something in the wind," said Dashall, "we must have a look at these gentry, for there is frequently some humour among them.

"I hope," replied Bob, "they have not overturned the dustcart in the wind, for I am apprehensive in such a case we should scarcely have eyes to view their frolics."

Tom laughed at the ready turn of his Cousin, and remarking that all flesh was dust, proceeded towards the increasing party: here they soon found out; that, as a venerable son of the fan-tailed-hat fraternity described it, "a screw was loose."

"Perhaps," inquired Bob, "it is the linch-pin." "Why aye, mayhap as how that there may be the case for aught I knows about it. Howsomdever, I'll tell you all about it:--first and foremost you must know that d.i.c.k n.o.bbs lives down here in Charles-street, and d.i.c.k n.o.bbs has got a wife. Now she is the devil's own darling, and d.i.c.k is a match for her or the devil himself, come from wherever he may, but as good a fellow as ever lapp'd up a pail full of water-gruel; and so you must know as how d.i.c.k has this here very morning been found out, in bed with another man's wife. The other man is a nightman, and rubbish-carter, vhat lives in the same house with d.i.c.k; so this here man being out all night at a job, d.i.c.k gets lushy, and so help me------, he finds his way steady enough into that there man's bed, and vhen that there man comes home, my eyes vhat a blow up! There lays d.i.c.k n.o.bbs fast asleep in the man's wife's arms, so he kicks up a row--d.i.c.k shews fight--and the man comes and tells us all about it; so we are going to try him for a misdemeanor, and he can't help himself no how whatsomedever."

Tom was alive to the story, and in a few minutes the culprit was conducted to a neighbouring public-house, tried before a whole bench of the society, cast, and condemned to undergo the usual sentence in such cases made and provided, ent.i.tled, "Burning Shame," and active preparations were making by those of the fraternity without, to carry into immediate execution the sentence p.r.o.nounced by those within.

~~254~~~ The offender was decorated with a bunch of Christmas in his hat, and two large carrots in the front, to represent horns. In this manner he was mounted on the brawny shoulders of four of his companions, preceded by the crier of the court, another dustman, with a bell, which he rung l.u.s.tily, and at intervals proclaimed the crime of which the culprit had been found guilty. After the crier, followed eight more of the brotherhood, two and two, their hats ornamented with bunches of holly, and a burning candle in the front of each hat. Then came the culprit, carried as already described, with a pot of heavy wet in one hand, and a pipe of tobacco in the other, which he occasionally smoaked, stooping forward to light it at one of the candles in the fantail hats of his two front supporters. The rear of this ludicrous procession was brought up by several other dustmen and coalheavers, and their ladies.

The procession set out from Charles-street, down Drury-lane, Great Queen-street, Wild-street, and round Clare Market, followed by an immense crowd, which kept increasing as they went, and nearly rendered the streets impa.s.sable. Two collectors were appointed, one on each side of the street, and were very active in levying contributions among the spectators to defray the expenses. They stopped at several public-houses, where they quaffed off oceans of heavy wet, and numerous streamlets of old Jamaica, and then returned to headquarters in Charles-street, where the offence was drowned in drink, and they and their ladies pa.s.sed the remainder of the evening, as happy as beer and gin, rum and tobacco, could make them.

Having witnessed a considerable part of this ceremonious proceeding, and been informed of the intended finale, our friends, who began to feel somewhat uncomfortable for want of refreshment and rest, proposed returning home; and having thrown themselves into a hack, they in a short time arrived at Piccadilly.

CHAPTER XIX

"'If in Real Life's chapter you e'er tind a blank, 'Tis yourself and you only you justly can thank; For to him who is willing--there's no need to stand, Since enough may be found 'twixt Mile End and the Strand To instruct, to inform, to disgust or invite, To deplore, to respect, to regret or delight."

"'Tis in London where unceasing novelty grows, Always fresh--and in bloom like the opening rose; But if to the rose we its sweetness compare, "fis as freely confess'd many thorus gather there; And if to avoid the latter you're p.r.o.ne, 'Tis at least quite as well, where they are, should be known."

~~255~~~ The arrival at Piccadilly turned out to be truly agreeable to our friends, who were scarcely dressed and seated at the breakfast-table, before they were surprised by the unexpected appearance of an old friend, whose company and conversation had upon many occasions afforded them so much pleasure and information. This was no other than Sparkle.

"My dear boy," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "you are welcome to the scene of former gratifications. How is your better half, and all friends in the country--any increase in the family? Why you look as healthy as Hygeia, and as steady as old time."

"I confess," replied Sparkle, "you ask so many questions upon important subjects in one breath, that I am quite deficient of wind to answer them seriatim. You must therefore take an answer in two words--all's right."

"Enough," replied Tom, "then I am content; but how, what,--are you in town alone?"

"You shall know all in time, but don't drive on too hard. I am glad to meet you again in the regions of fun, frolic, and humour, of which I doubt not there is, as there always was, a plentiful stock. Glad to see you both in good health and tip-top spirits. I have only come to pa.s.s a fortnight with you; and as I intend to make the utmost use of every minute of the time, don't let us waste in empty words what would be better employed in useful deeds."

~~256~~~ "Useful deeds," re-echoed Tom, "useful deeds--that savours of reflection. I thought you were fully aware it is an article considered of little value in the labyrinths of London; but since you are become, as I may venture to presume, a useful man, what may be the objects upon which you propose to practise your utility?"

"Still the same I find, Tom; all life, spirit, and gaiety, nothing like a hit, and I suppose you now think you have a palpable one. Never mind, I am not easily disconcerted, therefore you may play off the artillery of your wit without much chance of obtaining a triumph; but however, in plain words, I expect to be a happy father in about another month."

"O ho!" said Tom, "then you are really a useful member of society, and I suppose are merely come up to town for the purpose of picking up a little more useful information and instruction how to perform the part of Papa."