Real Life In London

"Walk in, gentlemen," exclaimed the proprietor, "and see the surprising young woman over whom the element of fire has no control!"

Tom and Bob accepted the invitation. Entering the caravan, they were received by an interesting young female, apparently not more than eighteen years of age, with a courteousness of manner far beyond what could have been expected from an itinerant exhibitor.

So soon as a sufficient number of spectators had congregated within the vehicle, the female Salamander commenced her exhibition.

Taking a red-hot poker from the fire, she grasped it firmly, and drew it from head to point through her hand, without sustaining the smallest injury!

~~311~~~ "Will you permit me to look at your hand?" asked Dashall.

The girl extended her hand,--the palm was moist, and seemed to have been previously fortified against danger by some secret liquid or other application, now reeking from its recent contact with the flaming weapon.

An uncivilized b.u.mpkin accused her of deception, a.s.serting that the poker was not heated to the extent represented.

"Touch and try," answered the girl. He did so, and the cauterizing instrument gave a feeling (although not very satisfactory) negative to his a.s.sertion.

"The mystery," continued Dashall, "of resisting the impression of tire, certainly originates in the liquid by which your hand has been protected."

"I shall answer your observation," said the Salamander, "by another performance."

She then dipped her fingers into a pot of molten lead, and let fall upon her tongue several drops of the metallic fluid, to the no small amazement and terror of the company; and as if to remove the idea of precautionary application, she after a lapse of five minutes, repeated the same extraordinary exhibition, and finally immerged her naked feet in the boiling material.

The inscrutable means by which the Salamander executed these feats with the most complete success and safety, were not to be divulged; and as neither of our respectable friends felt desirous of emulating the fair exhibitant, they declined the importunity of further inquiry.

"This is, indeed," said Dashall, as they resumed their walk, "the age of wonders:--here is a girl who can bear to gargle her mouth with melted lead, put her delicate feet into the same scalding material, and pa.s.s through her hands a flaming red-hot poker! I am inclined to believe, that were the present an age of superst.i.tion, she might be burnt for a witch, were she not happily incombustible. For my own part, I sincerely hope that this pyrophorous prodigy will never think of quitting her own country; and as I am a bachelor, I verily believe I should be tempted to make her an offer of my hand, could I flatter myself with any chance of raising aflame, or making a match with such uninflammable commodity.

Only conceive the luxury, when a man comes home fatigued, and in a hurry for his tea, of having a wife who can instantly take out the heater for ~~312~~~ the urn with her fingers,--stir the fire with ditto--snuff candles with ditto--make a spit of her arm, or a toasting fork of her thumb! What a saving, too, at the was.h.i.+ng season, since she need only hold her hand between the bars till it is red-hot, thrust it into a box iron, and iron you off a dozen children's frocks, while an ordinary laundress would be coddling the irons over the fire, spitting upon them, and holding them to her cheek to ascertain the heat before she began to work."

"And," observed the Squire, taking up his friend's vein of humour, "if the young lady be as insensible to the flames of Cupid as she is to those of Vulcan, she might still be highly useful in a national point of view, and well worthy the attention of the various fire-offices."

"Exactly so," replied his Cousin,--"how desirable for instance would it have been at the late alarming fire in Gracechurch-street, to have had a trustworthy person like her, who could very coolly perambulate the blazing warehouses, to rescue from the flames the most valuable commodities, or lolling astraddle upon a burning beam, hold the red-hot engine pipe in her hand, and calmly direct the hissing water to those points where it may be most effectually applied. In our various manufactories, what essential services she might perform.

In gla.s.s-houses, for instance, it is notorious that great mischief sometimes arises from inability to ascertain when the sand and flint have arrived at the proper degree of fusion. How completely might this be remedied, by merely shutting up the female Salamander in the furnace; and I can really imagine nothing more interesting, than to contemplate her in that situation, dressed in an asbestos pelisse, watching the reproduction of a phoenix hung up in an iron cage by her side, fondling a spritely little Salamander, and bathing her naked feet in the vitreous lava, to report upon the intensity of heat. Much more might be urged to draw the attention of government to the propriety of retaining this anti-ignitible young lady, not only for the benefits she may confer upon the public, but for the example she may afford to others of her own s.e.x; that by a proper exertion of courage, the most ardent sparks may be sometimes encountered without the smallest inconvenience or injury."

~~313~~~ Indulging in this playful vein of raillery, they now reached that part of the City Road intersected by the Regent's Ca.n.a.l, where its s.p.a.cious basin, circ.u.mjacent wharfs and warehouses, and winding line of water, with barges gliding majestically on its placid wave, where lately appeared open fields arrayed in the verdure of nature, afforded full scope for remark by Mr. Dashall, on the gigantic design and rapid accomplishment, by commercial enterprize, of the most stupendous undertakings.

"This work of incalculable public utility," said Mr. Dashall, "sprang into being with the alacrity of enchantment;--the same remark may apply to every other improvement of this vast metropolis, so rapid in execution, that one thinks of the wonderful lamp, and the magnificent palace of Aladdin, erected in one night by the attendant genii."

Onwards towards "merry Islington;"{1}--"here," said Dashall, "is the New River: this fine artificial stream is brought from two springs at Chad well and Am well, in Hertfords.h.i.+re, for the supply of London with water.

It was finished in 1613, by Sir Hugh Middleton, a citizen of London, who expended his whole fortune in this public undertaking. The river, with all its windings, is nearly 39 miles in length; it has 43 sluices, and 215 bridges; over and under it a great number of brooks and water-courses have their pa.s.sage. In some places this ca.n.a.l is carried through vales, and in others through subterraneous pa.s.sages. It terminates in a basin called the New River Head, close by. From the reservoir at Islington the water is conveyed by 58 main pipes under ground along the middle of the princ.i.p.al streets; and thence by leaden pipes to the different houses. Thus, by means of the New River, and of the London Bridge water-works, every house in the metropolis is abundantly supplied with water, at the expense each of a few s.h.i.+llings only per annum.

1 Thus all through merry Islington

John Gilpin.

This village of Islington is a large and populous place, superior both in size and appearance to many considerable towns in the country.

Observe the Angel Inn, celebrated for its ordinary, where you may enjoy, after a country ramble, an excellent dinner on very moderate terms.--Apropos, of the Angel Inn ordinary: some years ago it was regularly every Sunday attended by a thin meagre ~~314~~~ gaunt and bony figure, of cadaverous aspect, who excited amongst the other guests no small degree of dismay, and not without cause. Cognominated the Wolf, he justified his pretensions to the appellation, by his almost incredible powers of gormandizing; for a quantum of viands sufficient for six men of moderate appet.i.te, would vanish on the magic contact of his knife and fork, in the twinkling of an eye; in fact, his voracity was considered of boundless extent, for he invariably and without cessation consumed by wholesale, so long as eatables remained on the table. One day, after having essentially contributed to the demolition of a baron of beef, and devoured an entire shoulder of lamb, with a commensurate proportion of bread, roots, vegetables, &c, he pounced, with the celerity of a hawk, on a fine roast goose, which unfortunately happened to have been just then placed within the reach of his annihilating fangs, and in a very short s.p.a.ce of time it was reduced to a skeleton; having occasion for a few minutes to leave the room, the company in the meanwhile secreted the bones of the goose. The waiter now entered for the purpose of removing the cloth: casting his eyes round the room, he seemed absorbed in perplexity--"What is the matter?" asked one of the company; "do you miss arty thing?"--"Yes, Sir, the bones of a goose!"--"Why then you may save yourself the trouble of further search; the gentleman just gone out, of modest manners and puny appet.i.te, has devoured the goose, bones and all!"--The waiter lost no time in reporting the appalling fact to his master, who now more than ever was desirous of getting rid of the glutton--but how? it was impossible to exclude him the ordinary, or set bounds to his appet.i.te; the only resource left was that of buying him off, which was done at the rate of one s.h.i.+lling per diem, and the wolf took his hebdomadary repast at a different ordinary: from this also his absence was purchased at the same rate as by the first. Speculating on his gluttony, he levied similar contributions on the proprietors of the princ.i.p.al ordinaries in the metropolis and environs; and if the fellow is still living, I have no doubt of his continuing to derive his subsistence from the sources already described!--Now what think you of Real Life in London?"{1}

1 The wolf, so cognominated, was less censurable for his gluttony than the infamous purpose to which he applied it-- otherwise he had a parallel in a man of sublime genius.

Handel one day entered a tavern in the city and ordered six mackarel, a fowl, and a veal cutlet, to be ready at a certain hour. True to his appointment, he re-appeared at the time stipulated, and was shown into an apartment where covers were laid for four. Handel desired to have another room, and ordered his repast to be served up immediately.-- "Then you don't wait for the rest of the company, sir?"

said the waiter.--"Companee! vat you tell me of companee?"

exclaimed Handel. "I vant no companee. I order dem two tree ting for my lonch!" The repast was served up, and honoured by Handel to the bones. He then drank a bottle of wine, and afterwards went home to dinner!

During one of the campaigns of Frederick of Prussia, a boor was brought before him of an appet.i.te so incredibly ravenous, that he offered to devour a hog barbacued. A general officer present ob-served, that the fellow ought to be burnt as a wizard.--"May it please your Majesty," said the gormand, "to order that old gentleman to take off his spurs, and I will eat him before I begin the hog!" Panic struck, although a brave soldier, at the idea of being devoured alive, the general shut himself up in his tent until the man-eater departed the encampment.

~~315~~~ The Squire knew not what to think--the circ.u.mstance was so extraordinary, that the story would have been rejected by him as unworthy of notice, had it been told by any other person; and coming even from his respectable friend, he remained, until rea.s.sured of the fact, rather incredulous of belief.

Descending the declivity leading from Pentonville to Battle Bridge, Dashall, pointing to an extensive pile of buildings at some little distance on the left,--"That," said he, "is Cold Bath Fields Penitentiary House, constructed on the plan of the late Mr. Howard, and may be considered in all respects as an experiment of his principles.

It cost the county of Middles.e.x between 70 and 80,000, and its yearly expenditure is about 7,000. It was opened in 1794, and was originally designed only as a kind of Bridewell; but having suitable accommodations for several descriptions of prisoners, it was applied to their different circ.u.mstances. The prison you may observe is surrounded by a wall of moderate height. Here are workshops for the prisoners; an office in which the business of the prison is transacted; a committee-room, and the best chapel of any prison in London. The cells are 218 in number, about eight feet long each. In these, penitentiary prisoners are confined till they have completed their tasks, when they are let into the courts at the back. Owing to the exertions of Sir Francis ~~316~~~ Burdett, and his partizans, this house, about the year 1799 and 1800, attracted much popular odium. Many abuses, now rectified, were then found to exist in the management, though not to the full extent described."

A new scene now rose on the view of our two pedestrians. A little further on, in a field by the roadside, a motley a.s.semblage of auditors environed an orator mounted on a chair, who with frequent contortion of feature, and appropriate accompaniment of gesticulation, was holding forth in the spirit, as Pashalt, surmised, either of radicalism or fanaticism. This elevated personage, on closer approximation, proved to be a field-preacher, and judging from exterior appearance, no stranger to the good things of this life, although his present admonitory harangue strongly reprobated indulgence in the vanities of this wicked world;--he was well clad, and in portly condition, and certainly his rubicundity of visage by no means indicated on his part the union of practice with precept.

Nothing of further interest occurred, and they reached home, pleased with their day's ramble, that had been productive of so much amus.e.m.e.nt;--"thus verifying," said Dashall to the Squire, "the observation which you lately made--that every hour brings to a metropolitan perambulator a fresh accession of incident."

CHAPTER XXIII

Observe that lean wretch, how dejected he looks, The while these fat Justices pore o'er their books.-- "Hem, hem,--this here fellow our fortunes would tell,-- He thence at the treading-mill must have a spell: He lives by credulity!"--Most people do,-- Even you on the bench there,--ay, you Sir, and you!

Release then the Confrer at Equity's call, Or otherwise build treading-mills for us all!

~~317~~~ Adverting to the trick recently and successfully practised on Sir Felix O'Grady, by a juvenile adept in fraud, obtaining from the Baronet a new suit of clothes; his servant, indignant at his master having been thus plundered with impunity, had, for several days, been meditating in what manner most effectually to manouvre, so as to recover the lost property, and retrieve the honor of Munster, which he considered tarnished by his master having been duped by a stripling; when one morning a hand-bill was found in the area, intimating the residence in Town, pro bono publico, of a celebrated professor of the Occult Sciences; to whom was given the sublime art of divination, and who, by astrological and intuitive knowledge, would discover lost or stolen property, with infallible precision. Thady, whose credulity was of no inferior order, elate with the idea of consummating his wishes, communicated to his master the happy opportunity, and was permitted to seek the counsel of the celestial augurer. Not that the Baronet entertained any belief of its proving available of discovery, but rather with the view of introducing to his friends, Dashall and Tallyho, a fresh source of amus.e.m.e.nt, as connected with their diurnal investigation of Real Life in London.

Thither then, Thady repaired, and consulting the Seer, was astonished by responses which implied the most profound knowledge of times past, present, and to come! The simplicity of Thady had not escaped the Astrologer's ~~318~~~ notice, who, by dint of manouvre having contrived to draw from the Munster man, unwittingly, the requisite intelligence, merely echoed back the information thus received, to the utter amazement of Thady, who concluded that the Doctor must have intercourse with the Devil, and thence that he merited implicit veneration and belief. The sage predictor having received the customary douceur, now dismissed his credulous visitant, saying that the planets must be propitiated, and desiring him to come again at the expiration of twenty-four hours, when he would receive further intelligence.

Tom and his Cousin having called at the lodging of Sir Felix during the time that Thady was out on his expedition of discovery, the Baronet apprized his friends of the amus.e.m.e.nt in reserve; and they agreed to visit this expounder of destinies on the servant's return.

Thady at last arrived, and having reiterated his belief that this marvellous conjurer was the devil's own relative, the party set out to ascertain by what means they could prove the truth of the affinity between his infernal majesty and the sage descendant of the Magi.

Gaining the sublunary domicile of this mystical unraveller, which for the greater facility of communication with the stars he had fixed in the loftiest apartment of the house, our trio knocked at the door, which, after some hesitation, was opened by an ancient Sybil, who was presently joined by her counterpart, both "so withered and so wild in their attire," that "they looked not like inhabitants o' th' earth, and yet were on it." On the party requiring to see the Doctor, the two hags explained in a breath that the Doctor received only one visitor at a time; and while one gentleman went up stairs, the other two must remain below; and this arrangement being acquiesced in, Tom and Bob were shewn into a mean looking room on the ground floor, and Sir Felix followed the ascent of his conductor to the attic.

Entering the presence chamber,--"Welcome, sphinx," exclaimed the Doctor.

"By the powers," said the Baronet, "but you are right to a letter; the Sphinx is a monster-man, and I, sure enough, am a Munster-man."

"I know it.--What would'st thou, Sir Felix O'Grady?"

~~319~~~ The Baronet felt surprised by this familiar recognition of his person, and replied by observing, that as the inquirer so well knew his name, he might also be acquainted with the nature of his business.

"I partly guess it," rejoined the Seer, "and although I cannot absolutely predict rest.i.tution of thy lost property, yet I foresee that accident will throw the depredator in thy way, when the suit may perhaps find its way back to thy wardrobe. Now, hence to thy business, and I to mine."

The Baronet having nothing further to ask, withdrew accordingly; and our Squire of Belville-hall was next ushered into the _sanctum sanctorum_.

Bob was at a loss what to say, not having prepared himself with any reasonable pretext of inquiry. A silence of a few moments was the consequence, and the Squire having first reconnoitred the person of the conjurer, who was arrayed in the appropriate costume of his profession, scrutinized the apartment, when the attention of the visitor and visited being again drawn to each other, the Soothsayer addressed himself to Tallyho in the following words:

The shadows of joy shall the mind appal, And the death-light dimly flit round the hall Of him, by base lucre who led astray, Shall age into fruitless minion betray!

The death-light shall glimmer in Belville-hall, And childless the lord of the mansion fall; A wife when he weds, vain, ugly, and old, Though charms she brings forty thousand in gold!

The Squire was not p.r.o.ne to anger; but that this fellow should interfere with his private concerns, and impute to him the intention of forming a most preposterous connexion, under the influence of avarice, roused him into a whirlwind of pa.s.sion.--"Rascal!" he exclaimed, "who take upon you to predict the fate of others, are you aware of your own! Vagabond!