Real Life In London

powers!' said one of three st.u.r.dy young fellows, as they walked round till they got to sunward of it.' Be th' powers, but he's a jewel of a fellow; ounly its not quite dacent to be straddling up there without a s.h.i.+rt--is it Dennis?'

'Gad's blood man!' replied Dennis, rather angrily, 'Gad's blood man! dacency's quite out of the question in matters o'

this kind, ye see.' ''Faith, and what do they call it?'

asked the other. 'Is it--what do they call it?' re-joined Dennis, who seemed to consider himself a bit of a wag--'Why they mane to call it the Ladies' Fancy, to be sure!' and away they all went, 'laughing like so many horses,' as the German said, who had heard talk of a horse-laugh. Some of the spectators compared the s.h.i.+eld to a parasol without a handle; others to a pot-lid; and one a sedate-looking old woman, observing the tarpawling still covering the legs and lower part of the thighs, remarked to her companion, that she supposed they had been uncovering it by degrees, in order to use the people to the sight gradually. In short, poor Achilles evidently caused more surprise than admiration, and no small portion of ridicule. But then this was among the vulgar. No doubt the fas.h.i.+onable patronesses of the thing may view it with other eyes.

~~349~~~ On their return from the Park, our party looked in at Tattersal's, where it proved to be settling day. Dashall and his Cousin had previously made a trip to Ascot Races, to enjoy a day's sport, and were so fortunate as to let in a knowing one for a considerable sum, by taking the long odds against a favourite horse. They therefore expected now to toutch the blunt, and thus realize the maxim of the poet, by "uniting profit and delight in one."

[Ill.u.s.tration: page349 Ascot Races]

"Yonder," says Dashall, pointing out to his Cousin a very stout man, "is H. R. H.; he is said to have been a considerable winner, both at the late, as well as Epsom races; but the whole has since vanished at play, with heavy additions, and the black legs are now enjoying a rich harvest. The consequences have been, not only the sale of the fine estate of O--t--ds by the hammer, but even the family plate and personal property have been knocked down to the highest bidders, at Robbins's Rooms."

"I should have expected," replied Bob, "that so much fatal experience, which is said to make even fools wise, would have taught a useful lesson, and restrained this gambling propensity, however violent."

~~350~~~ "Psha, man," continued his Cousin, "you are a novice indeed to suppose any thing of the kind. No one uninitiated in these mysteries, can form an idea of the inextricable labyrinth, or the powerful spell which binds the votaries of play; and unfortunately this fatal pa.s.sion seems to pervade in an unusual degree our present n.o.bility: indeed it may be said there are comparatively but few of the great families who are not either reduced to actual poverty, or approximating towards it, in consequence of the inordinate indulgence of this vice."

THE WELLINGTON TROPHY; or, LADIES' MAN{1}

Air--'Oh, the Sight entrancing.'

Oh, the sight entrancing, To see Achilles dancing,{2} Without a s.h.i.+rt Or Highland skirt,{3} "Where ladies' eyes are glancing:

1 We are told that this gigantic statue is a most astonis.h.i.+ng work of art, cast from the celebrated statue of Achilles, on the Quirinal Hill; and the inscription on it informs us, that the erection of it was paid for by the ladies of England, to commemorate the manly energy of the Duke of Wellington and his brave companions in arms. To call it, therefore, the 'Ladies' Man,' is merely out of compliment to such as patronised the undertaking; and here we wish it to be particularly understood that we do not sanction the word naked as a correct term (although that term is universally applied to it), inasmuch as this statue is not naked, the modest artist having, at the suggestion of these modest ladies, taken the precaution of giving Achilles a covering, similar to that which Adam and Eve wore on their expulsion from Eden.

2 The att.i.tude of the statue is so questionable as to have already raised many opposite hypotheses as to what it is really intended to represent. Mr. Ex-Sheriff Parkins has, with very laudable ingenuity and cla.s.sical taste, discovered that the figure is nothing more nor less than a syce, or running groom; just such a one, the worthy ex- sheriff adds, as used to accompany him in India, when engaged in a hunting party, and who, when he grew tired, used to lay hold of the ex-sheriff's horse's tail, in order to keep up with his master. The author of the Travestie, however, has..h.i.t upon another solution of the att.i.tude, still more novel, and equally probable, namely, that of dancing, for which he expects to gain no inconsiderable share of popularity.

3 Without a s.h.i.+rt or Highland skirt!--It is really entertaining to see what a refinement of criticism has been displayed upon the defects of this incomparable statue. Some have abused the hero for being s.h.i.+rtless, and said it was an abomination to think that a statue in a state of nudity (much larger than life, too!) should be stuck up in Hyde Park, where every lady's eye must glance, however repugnant it might be to their ideas of modesty. But did not the ladies themselves order and pay for the said statue? Is it not an emblem of their own pure taste? Then, as for putting on Achilles a kelt or short petticoat (called by the poet a Highland skirt), oh, shocking I it is not only uncla.s.sical, but it would have destroyed the effect of the thing altogether. To be sure, it would not be the first time that Achilles wore a petticoat, for, if we are rightly informed, his mother, Thetis, disguised him in female apparel, and hid him among the maidens at the court of Lycomedes, iu order to prevent his going to the siege of Troy; but that wicked wag, Ulysses, calling on the said maidens to pay his respects, discovered Mister Achilles among them, and made him join his regiment.

Each widow's heart is

Then, oh, the sight entrancing, To see Achilles dancing, Without a s.h.i.+rt Or Highland skirt, Where ladies' eyes are glancing.

Oh, 'tis not helm or feather, Or breeches made of leather, That gave delight, By day or night, Or draw fair crowds together.{2} Let those wear clothes who need e'm; Adorn but max with freedom,{3} Then, light or dark, They'll range the Park, And follow where you lead 'em.

For, oh, the sight's entrancing, To see Achilles dancing, Without a s.h.i.+rt Or Highland skirt, Where ladies' eyes are glancing.

1 If we could only insert one hundredth part of what has been said by widows, wives, and maids on this interesting subject during the present week, we are quite sure our readers would acquit us of having overcharged the picture, or even faintly delineated it.

2 We certainly must differ with the author here: in our humble opinion, helmets, feathers, leather breeches, &c.

have a wonderful effect in drawing crowds of the fair s.e.x together--at a grand review, for instance.

3 This line, it is hoped, will be understood literally. The words are T. Moore's, and breathe the spirit of liberty--not licentiousness.

~~352~~~ Having succeeded in their object, Dashall and his Cousin pursued their course homeward; and thus terminated another day spent in the developement of Real Life in the British Metropolis.

But still the muse beseeches If this epistle reaches Achilles bold, In winter cold, That he would wear his breeches:{1} For though in sultry weather, He needs not cloth nor leather, Yet frosts may mar What's safe in war,{2]

And ruin all together.

But still the sight's entrancing, To see Achilles dancing Without a s.h.i.+rt Or Highland skirt, Where ladies' eyes are glancing.

1 The last verse must be allowed to be truly considerate, nay, kind--that the ladies will be equally kind and considerate to poor Achilles as the poet is, must be the wish of every one who has witnessed the perilous situation in which he is placed.

2 Achilles was a great favourite with the ladies from his very birth. He was a fine strapping boy; and his mother was so proud of him, that she readily encountered the danger of being drowned in the river Styx herself, that she might dip her darling in it, and thereby render him invulnerable.

Accordingly, every part of the hero was safe, except his heel by which his mother held him amidst the heat of battle; and, like his renowned ant.i.type, the immortal Duke of Wellington, he was never wounded. But, at length, when Achilles was in the Temple, treating about his marriage with Philoxena, daughter of Priam, the brother of Hector let fly an arrow at his vulnerable heel, and did his business in a twinkling.

We cannot quit this subject without paying a compliment to the virtues of the Court. We understand there has not been one royal carriage seen in the Park since the erection of the statue; and if report speaks true, the Marchioness of C-----m's delicacy is so shocked, that she intends to quit Hamilton Place, which is close by, as early as a more modest site can be chosen!

CHAPTER XXV

Lack a day! what a gay What a wonderful great town!

In each street, thousands meet, All parading up and down.

Crossing--jostling--strutting--running, Hither--thither--going--coming; Hurry--scurry--pus.h.i.+ng--driving, Ever something new contriving.

Oh! what a place, what a strange London Town, On every side, both far and wide, we hear of its renown.

~~353~~~ Escorting to the ever-varying promenade of fas.h.i.+on, the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin Bob, whose long protracted investigation of Life in London was now drawing to a close, proceeded this morning to amuse themselves with another lounge in Bond-street: this arcadia of dignified equality was thronged, the carriage-way with das.h.i.+ng equipages, and the pave with exquisite pedestrians. Here was one rouged and whiskered; there another in petticoats and stays, while his sister, like an Amazon, shewed her nether garments half way to the knee. Then "pa.s.sed smiling by" a Corinthian bear, in an upper benjamin and a Jolliffe shallow. A noted milliner shone in a richer pelisse than the Countess, whom the day before she had cheated out of the lace which adorned it. The gentleman with the day-rule, in new buckskins and boots, and mounted on a thorough-bred horse, quizzed his retaining creditor, as he trotted along with dusty shoes and coat; the "lady of easy virtue" stared her keeper's wife and daughter out of countenance. The man milliner's shop-boy, _en pa.s.sant_, jogged the duke's elbow; and the dandy pickpocket lisped and minced his words quite as well as my lord.

Tom pointed out some of the more das.h.i.+ng exhibitants; and Bob inquiring the name of a fine woman, rather _en bon point_, with a French face, who was mounted on a chesnut hunter, and whom he had never before seen in the haunts ~~354~~~ of fas.h.i.+on--"That lady," said he, "goes by the name of _Speculator_; her real name is Mademoiselle Leverd, of the Theatre Francais at Paris: she arrived in this country a month since, to "have an opportunity of displaying her superior talents; though it is whispered that the object of her journey was not altogether in the pursuit of her profession, but for the purpose of making an important conquest."

"And who is that charming woman," continued Bob, "in the curricle next to L------d F------?"

"That," returned Tom, "is Mrs. Orbery Hunter. The beautiful man next you, is the "commercial dandy," or as Lord G----l styles him, Apollo; and his Lords.h.i.+p is a veracious man, on which account R------ calls G------ his lyre."

"Ah, do you see that das.h.i.+ng fellow in the Scotch cloak, attended by a lad with his arm in a sling? That is the famous Sir W. M------,who doubles his income by gambling speculations; and that's one of his decoys, to entrap young country squires of fortune to dine with him, and be fleeced. In return, he is to marry him (on condition of receiving 100. for every thousand) to an heiress, the daughter of his country banker."

"Why, all the first whips in the female world are abroad to-day. There is the flower of green Erin, Lady Foley. See with what style she fingers the ribbans. Equally dexterous at the use of whip and tongue; woe to the wight who incurs the lash of either.

"That reverend divine in the span new dennet and the Jolliffe shallow, who squares his elbows so knowingly, as he rubs on his bit of blood, is Parson A------. He is the proprietor of the temple of gaming iniquity, at No. 6, Pall Mall. He is a natural son of Lord B------re, by whom he was brought up, liberally educated, and presented with church preferments of considerable value. He married, in early life, the celebrated singer, Miss M--h--n, whom he abandoned, with his infant family. This lady found a protector for herself and children in the person of the Rev. Mr. P------s, and having since obtained a divorce from her former husband, has been married to him. The parson boasts of his numerous amours, and, a few years since, took the benefit of the act. Before he ventured upon the splendid speculations at the Gothic Hall, with F------r T------n, Mr. Charles S------, and Lord D------, he used to frequent the most notorious g------g houses, ~~355~~~ occasionally picking up a half crown as the pigeons were knocked down by the more wealthy players. But, chousing his colleagues out of their shares, and getting the Gothic Hall into his own hands, he has become the great man you see, and may truly be called by the t.i.tle of autocrat of all the Greeks.

"And who," inquired Bob, "is that gay careless young fellow in the Stanhope, who sits so easy while his horse plunges?"

"That," replied Tom, "is the Hon. and Rev. Fitz S------, with the best heart, best hand, and the best leg in Bond-street. He is really one of the most fascinating men in polished society, and withal, the best judge of a horse at Tattersalls, of a dennet at Long Acre, or a segar in Maiden Lane."

"You need not tell me who that is on the roan horse, with red whiskers and florid complexion. (The Earl of Y------, of course). Madame B.

tells a curious story of him and a filly belonging to Prince Paul. His Lords.h.i.+p had a great desire to ride the said filly, and sent Madam B.

to know the terms. 'Well!' said his Lords.h.i.+p, when she returned--'Fifty pounds,' she replied.--'Hem!' said his lords.h.i.+p, 'I will wait till next year, and can have her for five-and-twenty.'"

"By this hand, another female equestrian _de figure_.' That tall young woman on the chesnut, is Lady Jane P------, sister of Lord U------. They say, that she has manifested certain p.a.w.nbroking inclinations, and has shewn a partiality in partners.h.i.+p at Almack's, to the golden b.a.l.l.s.

"That fine young woman, leaning out of the carriage window, whose glossy ringlets are of the true golden colour, so much admired by the dandies of old Rome, is his Lords.h.i.+p's wife. He's not with her. But you know he shot Honey at c.u.mberland Gate, when he was two hundred miles off, and therefore he may be in the carriage, though he's away.

"The person in the shabby brown coat is the Duke of Argyle. The pair of horses that draw his carriage is the only job that Argyle ever condescended to engage in."

"And who is that fat ruddy gentleman, in the plain green coat, and the groom in grey?"

~~356~~~ "What, you're not up to the change of colour? That's our old friend the Duke again, and the grey livery augurs, (if I mistake not), a visit to Berkeley square. His R------ H------ must take good care, or that bit of blood will be seized while standing at the door of the Circe, as his carriage was the other day, by the unceremonious nabman.

But that's nothing to what used to occur to the Marquis of W------. They say, that if he deposited a broach, a ring, or a watch upon his table, a hand and arm, like that of a genius in a fairy tale, was seen to introduce itself _bon-gre, mal-gre_, through the cas.e.m.e.nt, and instantly they became 'scarce.'"

"But I have heard," said Bob, "of a fas.h.i.+onable nabman asking the Duke the time, and politely claiming the watch as soon as it was visible."

The most prominent characters of the lounge had now disappeared, and Tom and Bob pursuing their course, found themselves in a few minutes in Covent Garden, from whence, nothing occurring of notice, they directed their steps towards Bow-street, with the view of deriving amus.e.m.e.nt from the proceedings of justice in the princ.i.p.al office on the establishment of the metropolitan police, and in this antic.i.p.ation they were not disappointed.{1}