Real Life In London

"A very enviable situation," remarked Sparkle, "However," continued Tom, "he has done some good in the world, and may live to do more. He became a partner in the great agency house in the City, of Ba.s.set, Farquhar, and Co.; besides which, he purchased the late Mr. Whitbread's share in the brewery. Part of his great wealth was devoted to the purchase of estates; but the great bulk was invested in stock, and suffered to increase on compound interest. He is deeply read in ancient and modern literature, and has a mind of extraordinary vigour and originality; his conversation of a superior order, impressive and animated on every subject. His sentiments are liberal, and strangely contrasted with his habits. His religious opinions are peculiar, and seem to be influenced by an admiration of the purity of the lives and moral principles of the Brahmins. It is said that he offered 100,000L. to found a college in Aberdeen, with a reservation on points of religion; to which, however, the sanction of the legislature could not be procured, and the plan was dropped. He has been residing in Gloucester-place, where he has furnished a house in a style of modern elegance, and, so far as appearances are concerned, indulges in several luxuries; but his domestic habits are still the same, and his table seldom labours with the pressure of heavy dishes. He has one nephew, to whom he allows, or did allow, 300L. per year; has but few other claims of family; and it is probable that his immense wealth will be bequeathed to charitable purposes, as the great object of his ambition is to leave his name to posterity as the founder of some public inst.i.tution. To that pa.s.sion may, perhaps, be attributed the purchase of Fonthill Abbey; for his age and infirmities totally unfit him for the enjoyment of such ~~422~~~ a place. He is diminutive in person, and by no means prepossessing in appearance; his dress has all the qualities of the antique to recommend it; and his domestic expenditure, until the last year, has not exceeded 200L. per annum, although his possessions, money in the funds, and capital in trade, are said to amount to a million and a half!"

"Why, he is an oddity indeed," exclaimed Tallyho, "and I think he ought to be exhibited as the eighth wonder of the world."

"Certainly we cannot look upon the like every day: there are instances, it is said, of his having returned letters merely because the postage was not paid, although he has, on more than one or two occasions, given away, at once, for praise-worthy purposes, ten and twenty thousand pounds."

"Then," rejoined Sparkle, "he is a trump, and deserves to be respected:--but where are we bound to?"

"Nay," replied Tom, "I have no choice upon the subject."

"Nor I neither," said Gayfield, stepping smartly up to him, and catching him by the hand--"so come along--I'll guide you to good quarters and comfortable accommodation.--Dine with me, and we will have a cut in at whist.--What say you?"

This proposition was acceded to, and away they went to Gayfield's apartments, where a very hospitable and friendly entertainment was presented to them with every mark of a hearty welcome. In the evening, the gla.s.s circulated freely, and cards being introduced, they enjoyed an agreeable and pleasant game, at which nothing particular occurred; after which they jumped into a rattler, and were conveyed home, very well satisfied with every attention they had received from Gayfield, except the eternal rattle of his tongue.

CHAPTER x.x.xIII

"The proper study of mankind in food."

~~423~~~ Next morning, while our party were at breakfast, who should make his appearance but Gayfield, whose elasticity of spirits, and volubility of tongue, appeared, if possible, to have acquired an additional impulse of action.

"My dear fellow," he commenced, addressing Bob, "as you are so soon about to leave us, I feel anxious you should carry with you all the information possible on that interesting subject, Life in London. Long as your stay in the Metropolis has been, still, where the subjects are so varying--so ever varying--so multifarious--and the field for observation so unlimited, it is impossible but that something must have escaped your notice.

"I have been scribbling to a friend in the country, whom I occasionally endeavour to amuse with "Sketches of Scenes in London;" and, as I flatter myself, it exhibits something of novelty both in character, situation, and incident, you shall hear it."

"Dear d.i.c.k--I told you that I was about to have the honour of being introduced to tin; celebrated Dr. Kitchen. 'He was a man, take him for all in all, I ne'er shall look upon his like again.' It was evidently one of 'Nature's worst journeymen' that made him; for he has not a limb which appears to appertain to his body; they look precisely as if they were purchased at an auction. This little man, who seems born to be 'girded at' by jokers of all cla.s.ses, sharing the prevalent rage for notoriety, has written two works, one in the character of a _gourmand_, and the other of a musician. But not content with the fame he has thus acquired, he has persuaded himself that he is an excellent singer. Nay, it was given out lately, by his own concurrence, that he intended to sing at a concert at the Argyle Rooms; and although he has no more voice than a ~~424~~~ cat, he was under the full impression that his Majesty, at the conclusion of the last court-day, intended to call upon him for a song. The Doctor asked me and Caustic to one of his literary dinners; and as T have supplied you with a sketch of a cook-shop _gourmand_, I make no apology for shewing up a more elevated cla.s.s of _gastronomes_, by reporting the Doctor's speech on this occasion.--

"'On entering the world, the acuteness of my palate and vigour of digestion disposed me to conceive that I should excel in the fraternal sciences of eating and drinking; and I entertained no doubt but my vapid organs would be considerably improved by frequent exercise. Taste has various departments--painting, architecture, sculpture, &c.; but impressed with the conviction that my only office in this world was to invent new dishes and devour them, I collected all the culinary writers from Caxton to Mons. Ude, of modern celebrity. As science proceeds by gradual advances, I frequented the better sort of coffee-houses, to initiate myself in the correct nomenclature of different dishes, and to judge of their skilful preparation. These, to be sure, are proper schools for a beginner; but I soon discovered that these victuallers, on account of their numerous visitants, who are disposed to eat much and pay little, could not afford to furnish the most costly and exquisite _entrees_. Sometimes I found that the same turkey had been twice subjected to the spit; a sole that had been broiled the day before, underwent the operation of frying on the following. Cold meat appeared as hot pie, with many other curious and ingenious devices. Then the wine was so adulterated, compelled, like a melancholic patient, to look old before its time, and fitted, like a pauper, with a ready-made coat perceptibly impregnated with bad brandy, and

"'To view the ordinary arrangements of a modern dinner is a "sorry sight:"--a dozen articles placed at once upon the table--then, on the removal of the covers, comes the ferocious onset; some tremulous paralytic serving the soup, and scattering it in all directions, excepting into the plate where it ought to be delivered; ~~425~~~ then an unhandy dandy mutilates the fish by cutting it in a wrong direction; here, an officious ignoramus tears asunder the members of a fowl as coa.r.s.ely as the four horses dragged Ravillac, limb from limb; there, another simpleton notching a tongue into dissimilar slices, while a purblind c.o.xcomb confounds the different sauces, pouring anchovy on pigeon-pie, and parsley and b.u.t.ter on roast-beef. All these barbarisms are unknown at my table.

"'Perhaps one of the most gratifying things in nature, far beyond any thing hitherto conveyed by landscape or historical painting, is to behold my guests in silence sip their wine. As the gla.s.s is held up, the eye and the orient liquor reciprocally sparkle; its bouquet expands the nostrils, elevates the eyebrow to admiration, and composes the lips to a smile. When its crystal receptacle, which is as thin as Indian paper, (for observe, to use a thick wine-gla.s.s is to drink with a gag in your mouth) touches the lips, they become comprest, to allow the thinnest possible stream to enter, that its flavour be thoroughly ascertained, and that successive perceptions of palateable flavour may terminate in the gulph of ecstacy.

"'I am fully aware that the pleasures of the table cannot be indulged without some hazard to the const.i.tution; it is therefore the business of my serious reflections to counteract the invasions of disease, and provide timely remedies for its attack. A gold box is always placed on the table with the desert, containing a store of pills, which are of a very moving quality and speedy operation, called "Peristaltic persuaders." In an adjoining room, there is a basin, as large as an ordinary was.h.i.+ng-tub, with a copper of chamomile-tea; and a cupper is engaged to be in constant attendance till the guests depart.

"'Gentlemen, I once became a member of a fas.h.i.+onable dinner-club, managed by a superintending committee, who purchased their own wine, and engaged a culinary artist of established reputation. This club was a diversified a.s.semblage, consisting of some sprigs of the n.o.bility and a few old standards; several members of Parliament, who became very troublesome by repeating the speeches that had been uttered in the house, and were, besides, always attempting to reform the club. But this was less offensive to me than others, as I make it a ~~426~~~ rule never to attend to conversation unless it relates to improvements in cookery.

The remainder of our club was composed of a few hungry querulous lawyers, two or three doctors, who had increased the means of gratifying their appet.i.tes by destroying the digestive faculties of their patients.

There is nothing permanent in the world; therefore, in about two years, the club dwindled away; a set of rascally economists complained of expense; the cook, a very honest man and skilful professor, was accused of peculation by the reformers, and turned adrift for modestly demonstrating that he could not make turtle out of tripe, nor convert sprats into red mullet. Several members moved off without paying their arrears. The managing committee disposed of the premises, plate, furniture, and wines, and pocketed the money; and thus the club was dissolved.'

"It was on this occasion that the Doctor proposed his celebrated 'committee of taste,' with the proceedings of which I shall, perhaps, have occasion, at some future time, to make you acquainted."

Gayfield's humorous epistle amused the party much, and Bob felt complimented by the attention paid to the finish of his studies of Metropolitan Life and Manners. The fine appearance of the morning determined them on a stroll through the leading thoroughfares, as it would afford Tallyho the opportunity of completing such purchases as were necessary prior to his departure for the country. In pa.s.sing Covent Garden, their attention was attracted by a numerous and grotesque a.s.semblage, in which they soon mixed, and were highly diverted by the following whimsical exhibition, displaying the astonis.h.i.+ng sagacity and feelings of the monkey species. An itinerant showman, who for some time past exhibited two dancing monkeys about the town, had pitched his stage in a part of the Market. When his poles and cords were fixed, and the monkeys in their full dress were about to commence, the celebrated flying pieman came by with his basket, and, having furnished himself with a bottle of gin, he leaped upon the stage, and treated the showman and one of the monkeys with a gla.s.s each; the other monkey however declined taking any, and was leaping about to avoid it; but the pieman served out the second gla.s.s, and the former monkey took his with apparent gladness. The pieman again seized the monkey ~~427~~~ who declined it before, but he still scorned to take any. The by-standers called out to the pieman to throw it at him, and the pieman flung it in his face. Instantly, the monkey who drank the gin, and who was half drunk by this time, to resent the injury, sprang upon the pieman, seized him by the arm, and would have torn that piece of the flesh entirely out, only for its master, who with much difficulty made him relinquish his hold. The pieman was dangerously wounded, and was carried to a doctor's shop to get his arm dressed.

Pa.s.sing on, the next object of attention was the Police office, Bow Street. Here the party determined to rest for a short time, and after listening to several uninteresting cases relating to hackney coach fares, they were at length rewarded for their lost time and patience, by a case, in which the tables were completely turned upon Mr. Jehu, and which we hope will act as a caution to others of the profession who have a taste for swearing and abuse.

CHAPTER x.x.xIV

In cities, foul example on most minds Begets its likeness. Rank abundance breeds In gross and pamper'd cities sloth and l.u.s.t, And wantonness and gluttonous excess.

In cities, vice is hidden with more ease, Or seen with least reproach; and virtue, taught By frequent lapse, can hope no triumph there Beyond th' achievement of successful flight.

I do confess them nurs'ries of the arts, In which they flourish most; where, in the beams Of warm encouragement, and in the eye Of public note, they reach their perfect size.

Such London is, by taste and wealth proclaim'd The fairest capital of all the world; By riot and incontinence the worst.

~~428~~~ The arrival of the day for separation was antic.i.p.ated, and the morning arose upon Dashall with a gloomy aspect, originating in the temper of his mind; for he was by no means pleased with the adventure of Laconic, which operated to prevent his departure with his friends. Sparkle and Tallyho were, however, upon the alert, and determined on pursuing their original intentions. Tom had none of his usual vivacity about him.

In vain he tried to muster up his spirits, his attempts at wit were pointless and did not escape the notice of Sparkle, who secretly enjoyed his chagrin, feeling a.s.sured that as it was created by their departure, he would not delay joining them longer than necessity absolutely required. "Why how now, Tom," said Sparkle, "you are out, and seem to be in queer stirrups, as if you had an uneasy saddle. You seem to part with your cousin as a young man would with the beloved of his heart." "I confess I am disappointed," replied Tom.

"But since grieving's a folly, Why let us be jolly."

~~429~~~ "I am determined to spend the last moments with you--so start off the rattle traps, the upper toggery's and travelling caps, we will take a last turn together, and a parting dinner and gla.s.s of wine at the Bull and Mouth, and I'll warrant you I won't be long behind. All I regret is, I can't accompany you at present." Upon this intimation, the remainder of their luggage and clothing were despatched by a servant, with an order to provide a good dinner for them at half past five.

Things were now all m a fair train, and this business being despatched, all was anxiety for the arrival of the moment, though with different sensations; Sparkle to meet his wife, Bob to return to his native home, and Tom displeased and disappointed in every way, although he determined to be as agreeable as he could under existing circ.u.mstances. Time however being heavy on their hands, but as Bob was anxious to make a few more purchases for presents on his return home, they started early for the Bull and Mouth.

"You have now," said Dashall to his cousin, "had some experience in REAL LIFE IN LONDON, and I have reason to think you will not return to the country a worse man than you left it. Variety is charming, and the change from one to the other will give additional zest and pleasure."

"I have reason," replied Bob, "to feel myself under a very particular obligation to you for the excellent care, kindness and attention, as well as information I have derived, and it cannot easily be obliterated from my recollection; but I at the same time must observe, that I have no very great relish for London as a continual residence. When you arrive in the country I will try if I cannot be as explanatory and amusing. At all events I expect you will give me the trial.

"I'll give you a chevy over the hills, a pop at the pheasants, and a pick at them afterwards; besides which, you know, we have some very pretty la.s.ses in our neighbourhood, to whom you have already been introduced, and to whom you shall be better known."

"I know, I know," said Tom, in a hurried manner, which strongly indicated some other motive for regret than that which arose from mere disappointment at not being a partner in their journey, and from which Sparkle did not fail to draw an inference, that some roguish eyes had been darting their beams into the bosom of his friend.

~~430~~~ "I see how it is now," cried Sparkle, "Tom is not cut but caught, and I'll sport a fifty, that the Evergreen Tom Dashall, of London, will be transplanted to entwine with some virgin blossom of the country, before another twelve months."

Tom was silent.

Tallyho smiled in accordance with the sentiment of Sparkle, and declared he would not take the bet.

"It's of very little use," cried Dashall, recovering himself after a short pause, "I may as well make a merit of necessity. I confess I have a sort of a liking for the gay and sprightly Lydia Forcetext, the parson's daughter; and if--but curse if's--I hate if, I wish there was no such word in the English language."

"Ha, ha, ha!" exclaimed Sparkle, "I thought we should find you out--but come, I think I may say there is not much for you to fear--if you are but serious."

"It is a serious subject, and if we continue, this conversation I shall grow downright sentimental--so no more at present--we have not much time to spare--and as I mean to make use of every minute, let us look around for any novelty that may occur before your departure."

"Well," said Sparkle, "I must say I do not know of any thing so new to me as the very subject we were upon--but as you wish it dropped--why e'en let it be so--I have no desire to be either particular or personal."

And as London's the object we've long had in view, As long as we can, we'll that object pursue.

And as visions we know have been for an old grudge meant, We'll make ours a view--not a vision of--judgment.

"Good," said Tom, "and as the lines are extemporaneous we will not be over-nice in the criticism."

"At least," continued Sparkle, "you will admit it is better to be a bad poet--than a bad man."

"Agreed--agreed," replied Tom.--"But who in the name of wonder have we here--the emperor of hair-dressers and head-cutters turned print-seller--Why, this was Money's, where I have, before now, had a clip."

~~431~~~ "Nay, nay," said Sparkle, "don't be in a hurry to form your judgment--his ingenuity is at work, and really it will be worth while to have a cut all round; for I find he gives a portrait, displaying the most fas.h.i.+onable Parisian dresses to every customer. Some you know present bank, or, more properly speaking, flush notes upon these occasions; but certainly this is a less exceptionable plan.--What say you?"

"With all my heart:" and into the _Magazin de Mode_ they marched; to which they were welcomed by the artist himself--ushered up stairs with all due politeness, and in two minutes Sparkle was under his incomparable hands, while Tom and Bob amused themselves with a peep at the newspapers and the Gazette of Fas.h.i.+on.