Real Life In London

'If old a.s.sertions can't prevail, Be pleased to hear a modern tale.'

"Not long since," continued Dashall, "an aspiring young limb of the law, of property, in expectancy (but that is neither here nor there) and fertile in expedient, contrived to insinuate himself into the good fellows.h.i.+p of a few bon vivants; and resolving to irradiate with 'surprising glory' the galaxy of fas.h.i.+on, he furnished a house, by permission of an accommodating upholsterer, in a style of magnificence, and decorated a side-board with a splendid service of plate, borrowed auspiciously for the occasion from a respectable silversmith, on a promise of liberal remuneration and safe return; after effecting the object of its migration, in dazzling the eyes of his honourable friends at his projected entertainment.

~187~~ "Amidst the busy 'note of preparation,' the important day at last arrived; the suite of apartments became thronged with company, and every one admired the elegance of the furniture; the tasteful ornaments of the rooms; the brilliancy of the lights and ma.s.sive construction of the valuable family plate! In fact every thing conspired to give _eclat_ to the scene, and confirm the friends of the founder of the feast in their belief alike of his exquisite judgment and high respectability.

"The silversmith, that he might not appear indelicately obtrusive, let a few days elapse after this grand gala had taken place, before he applied for restoration of his property, the borrower congratulated him on his good fortune, told him, that several friends had very much admired the plate, and even expressed an intention of ordering similar services; and that with regard to the borrowed plate, he had taken so strong a fancy to it, as to feel disposed to become a purchaser, if the price was reasonable, and an adequate consideration was made for prompt payment.

"The silversmith, who chuckled inwardly at the prospect of extending his business, and connecting himself with so many 'honourable men,'

gratefully expressed his acknowledgments, and a.s.suring him of liberal dealing, the several items of the borrowed plate were examined and dilated upon, the price of each article, after much higgling, was ultimately fixed, the sum total ascertained, and an early clay appointed for a final settlement of the accompt. It never was the intention of the borrower to return the plate, but he now had achieved a great object, by entirely changing the whole complexion of the business; he had now converted fraud into debt, and happen what might, the silversmith could only sue him on a civil process, which against a limb of the law, and as such, privileged from arrest, must be tedious and uncertain, whereas, had he made away with the plate, without accomplis.h.i.+ng the object of this last manouvre, (such is the indiscriminating severity of English law,) that he might have been amenable to the punishment of felony!

"Now comes the reckoning when the banquet's o'er! the parties met for final settlement, when behold! the accepted purchaser offers the silversmith a bill at a month; he refuses it indignantly, and consults his solicitor as to the possibility of compelling the restoration of the plate; but the lawyer told him, that on his own shewing this could not be done. The silversmith had now no other resource than that of taking the ~188~~ proposed bill, and waiting the expiration of the month, for payment. In the meanwhile, the debtor exhibiting the talent of an able conveyancer, trans.m.u.ted the silver into gold, and now laughs at the credulity of London tradesmen, and sets the silversmith at defiance!"{1}

1 This incident, as related by Dash all, actually and very recently occurred.

An interesting and useful volume might be compiled on the subject of frauds practised on London tradesmen. Many of these tricks have been highly characteristic of ingenuity.

The following is a ludicrous instance of female stratagem.

We give the article literally, as it occurred.

A few days ago, a female, apparently a person of rank, visited in her carriage, towards the evening, a Silk Mercer's Shop, westward of Temple Bar, where she made choice, for purchase, of silks and other rich articles of feminine dress and decoration, to the value of above fifty pounds. Her manner was that of a perfectly well-bred gentlewoman, and her person displayed no small portion of attractive and elegant accomplishment. Having completed her selection, she expressed much regret that she could not pay the amount of the bill on the instant: "But,"she continued, "it is a delightful evening; my house is in the suburbs of town; a short and easy ride will prove a pleasant recreation, and if you will accompany me home in my carriage, you shall, on our arrival, be immediately paid."

The mercer was more gallant of spirit than to reject the courtesy of a lady so fair and fascinating, and accepting with pleasure the proferred honour, the vehicle soon reached its destination. The lady first alighted, taking with her, into an elegant mansion, the articles of purchase; the mercer presently followed, was shewn into a handsome drawing-room, and received with much politeness, by apparently by a gentleman of the faculty.--A silence of a few minutes ensued, when the mercer inquired for the lady, observing, at the same time, that it was necessary he should return to town immediately. The courteous physician recommended silence, and the mercer became irritated and clamorous for his money and freedom of exit. Two attendants making their appearance, they were directed to conduct the patient to his apartment. The mercer suspecting that he was the dupe of artifice, grasped a poker, with the intention of effect-ing, at all hazard, his liberation from "durance vile," but his efforts had no other result than that of confirming his trammels, and he was presently bound over to keep the peace, under the guarantee of a straight-waistcoat! The unfortunate mercer now told a "plain unvarnished tale," which gained the attention of the humane physician, who was no other than the proprietor of the mansion, in which he managed its concerns as an Asylum for Lunatics. The lady who accompanied the mercer to the house, had been with the physician the preceding day, and made arrangements with him for the reception of an insane patient.--It was now discovered that she had come under a fict.i.tious name; had retreated in the hired vehicle with the mercer's property; and had adopted this curious stratagem, the more effectually to silence suspicion and prevent detection.

~189~~ This detail threw the Squire into a train of rumination, on the tricks and chicanery of metropolitan adventurers; while Dashall amused himself with the breakfast-table concomitant, the newspaper. A few minutes only elapsed, when he laid it aside, approached the window, and seeing a funeral pa.s.s, in procession, along the street, he turned towards his Cousin, and interrupted his reverie with the following extemporaneous address:--

"Dost thou observe," he said, "yon sable tribe Of death antic.i.p.ates?--These are they Who, when men die, rejoice! all others else Of human kind, shed o'er departed friends The tear of reminiscence; these prowlers Hunt after Death, and fatten on his prey!

Mark now their measur'd steps, solemn and slow, And visage of each doleful form, that wears The semblance of distress; they mourn for hire, And tend the funeral rites with hearts of stone!

Their souls of apathy would never feel A moment's pang were Death at one fell sweep, Even all their relatives to hurl from earth!-- Knaves there exist among them who defraud The grave for sordid lucre; who will take The contract price for hurrying to the tomb The culprit corse the victim of the law, But lay it where? Think'st thou in sacred ground!

No! in the human butcher's charnel-house!

Who pleas'd, reserves the felon for the knife, And bribes the greater villain with a fee!"

Cousin Bob was very much surprised by this sudden effusion, and inquiring the source of inspiration, Dashall put into his hands the newspaper, pointing to the following extraordinary communication, extracted verbatim.{1}

1 The King v. Cund.i.c.k.--This was an indictment against the defendant, undertaker to the Horsemonger-lane gaol, for a mis-demeanour, in corruptly selling for dissection the body of a capital convict, after he had been executed, contrary to his duty, in viola-tion of public decency, and the scandal of religion. There were various counts in the indictment, charging the offence in different ways. The defendant pleaded Not Guilty.

The case excited considerable interest, as well for its unprecedented novelty as the singularity of its circ.u.mstances. It was a public prosecution at the instance of the Magistracy of the County.

Mr. Nolan and Mr. Bolland conducted the case for the Crown; and Mr. Adolphus, Mr. Turton, and Mr. Ryland, were for the defence.

It appeared in evidence that a capital convict, named Edward Lee, who had been tried and found guilty at the last Croydon a.s.sizes, of a highway robbery, was publicly executed at

After he was cut down he was delivered over to the defendant, the appointed carpenter and undertaker of the gaol, for interment at the County's expense, for which he was allowed three guineas. He received particular directions that the afflicted mother and other friends of the deceased were to be permitted to see the body before inter-ment, and follow it to the grave, if they thought proper. The friends of the deceased called on the defendant, who lives in Redcross-street, to know when the funeral would take place. He appointed the following day, Tuesday, the 11th of September. The unhappy mother of the deceased, being confined to her bed, was unable to attend the funeral, but sent a friend to the house of the defendant to see the body, and cut a lock of its hair. Application being made to the defendant for this purpose, he said he had already buried the body, because he could not keep such people any longer in his house. The friend demanded a certificate of the funeral, which he promised to procure on a subsequent day, upon paying a fee. On the Thursday following the uncle of the deceased called for a certificate of the burial, but could not get it, the de-fendant then saying that the body had been buried the day before. The friends then became clamorous, and complaint being made to Mr. Walter, the gaoler, he sent repeatedly for the defendant to come to the gaol and explain his conduct, which he declined. At length one of the turnkeys was sent after him on the Friday, with positive directions to bring him forthwith. As soon as the de-fendant found that he was compelled to go to Mr. Walter, he made an excuse, that he had some immediate business to attend to, but would meet the messenger in an hour at a neighbouring public-house. To this the turnkey consented, but watched the defendant to his house, where he saw two or three suspicious looking men lurking about. After waiting for some time, the defendant came to him, and expressed his surprise that he was not gone to the public-house. The defendant appeared agitated, and went off as hard as he could towards the Southwark Iron Bridge. A person named Crisp, who was with the turnkey, went one way after the defendant, and the turnkey another.

The latter went to Crawford's burial ground, where he saw the same suspicious looking man whom he had observed about the defendant's house, in the act of interring a coffin.

He immediately interposed, and said the coffin should not be buried until he examined its contents. At this moment the defendant came into the burying-ground, and seemed angry at the interruption, and begged he might be allowed to inter the body, which he acknowledged was Edward Lee; and excused himself for not burying it before, by saying, that the pressure of other business prevented him. The turnkey remonstrated with him for disobedience of the orders he had received to permit the friends of the deceased to see the body and attend the funeral. The defendant seemed greatly perplexed: at length he took hold of Crisp and the turnkey by the sleeve, and, with considerable agitation, offered them 10L. each to permit him to bury the coffin, and say no more about the matter. This was peremptorily refused. The turnkey insisted upon opening the coffin, and whilst the defendant went to explain his conduct to Mr. Walter, he did open it, and found that it contained nothing but earth. It appeared that the defendant had been applying to the s.e.xton in the course of the week for a certificate of the burial, but was unable to succeed, the body not having been buried. Search was then made for the body, and at length it was traced to Mr.

Brooks's dissecting rooms in Blenheim-street, Marlborough- street, where it had undergone a partial dissection. The upper part of the scull had been removed, but replaced.

Several persons identified the body as that of Edward Lee.

It was proved that about ten o'clock in the evening of Tuesday, the 11th September, a hackney-coach had stopped at the defendant's house, and the defendant was seen a.s.sisting two men in lifting a large hamper into the carriage, which then drove off. This was the substance of the case for the prosecution.

Mr. Adolphus, in an able and ingenious address to the Jury, contended that the indictment must fail, inasmuch as the evidence did not satisfy the allegation in the indictment, that the defendant had sold the body for lucre and gain. Now there was no proof whatever that it had been sold, which might have easily been made out, if the fact was so, by summoning Mr. Brooks, the anatomist. The real fact was, that the body had been stolen by other persons from the defendant's house, and the defendant had been driven to the miserable s.h.i.+fts proved in evidence, in order to conceal the misfortune, and prevent the loss of his lucrative situation in the gaol.

No witnesses to facts were called for the defendant; but several persons gave him a good character for honesty and industry.

The Jury, under the learned Judge's directions, found the defendant Guilty.

~192~~ The Squire having perused this appalling account of human depravity, expressed himself in energetic terms of indignation against the miscreant, who to the acute miseries of maternal affliction at the premature loss of a son, and by such a death! could add the bitter anguish of consigning his cold remains, unseen by any earthly spirit of sympathy, to the knife of the dissector, in breach of every law moral and divine! In the warmth of his kindly feelings, the Squire would have uttered a curse, had he not been prevented by the entrance of his old friend, Sir Felix O'Grady. The two friends received their quondam acquaintance with much cordiality. "Cuish la mevchree! exclaimed the Baronet, shaking heartily the hands of Tom and Bob; "and how have you done these many long days past?"--This inquiry having been satisfactorily answered, Sir Felix explained the object of his visit:--"Aunts of all sorts, or any sort, or no sort at all at all,"

said he, "are cursed bad things, sure enough; as somebody in the play says."

This abrupt commencement excited the risible feelings of Dashall and his Cousin, which were further stimulated by Sir Felix seriously appealing to their commiseration, under the pressure of misfortune,--"for this same respectable maiden lady, Mrs. Judith Macgilligan, my venerable aunt as aforesaid, has recently imported her antiquated piece of virginity from her native mountains near Belfast, and having had my address pat enough, the worse luck, the sowl, with an affected anxiety for my welfare, must take up her residence, while in town, in the same house with her dutiful nephew, that she may have the opportunity of watching over him in his erratic pursuits, as she says, with maternal solicitude; that is, in other words, to spy into all my actions, and bore me everlastingly with her intolerable company. It was but the blessed morning of yesterday that she took a fancy to exhibit her beautiful person at the lounge in Bond-street;--by-the-bye, this same paragon of perfection has pa.s.sed her grand climacteric, being on the wrong side of sixty;--is as thin as a lath and as tall as a May-pole;--speaks an indescribable language of the mongrel kind, between Irish and Scotch, of which she is profuse to admiration; and forgetting the antiquity of her person, prides herself on the antiquity of her ancestry so much, that she is said to bear a strong resemblance to her grandmother, judging from the full-length portrait (painted seventy years ago,) of that worthy progenitor of our family, who was a descendent, lineally, from O'Brien king of Ulster, that she copies her dress on all public occasions, to the great amus.e.m.e.nt and edification of the spectators; and in these venerable habiliments she promenaded Bond-street, hanging on my arm;--by the Powers, till I felt ashamed of my precious charge, for all the world was abroad, and my reverend aunt was the universal magnet of attraction."

"Well, and you find yourself comfortable," said Dashall,--"we have all of us foibles, and why expect your aunt to be exempted from them?--Have you any thing in expectance,--is she rich?"

~193~~ "Twenty thousand pounds, twice told," replied Sir Felix, "sterling money of Great Britain, in which I have a reversionary interest."

"Why then," said Tallyho, "you cannot do better than contribute all in your power to her ease and pleasure; and in exercising this commendable duty, you will gain present satisfaction, and may justly antic.i.p.ate future benefit."

"And," added Dashall, "if my Cousin or myself can by any means further your object, in contributing towards the full attainment of your aunt's amus.e.m.e.nt while she remains in town, you may command our services."

"By the powers of fortune," exclaimed the Baronet, "you have just given me the opportunity I was wis.h.i.+ng for; that is, I had a favour to ask, but which I could not find courage enough to do, notwithstanding my native a.s.surance, until now. You must know, then, that on Easter Monday, the ill.u.s.trious Judith Macgilligan, descendant lineally from O'Brien king of Ulster, means to honour the Civic entertainment with her sublime presence, and grace the Ball at the Mansion-house in a dress resembling that of her grandmother the princess, worn seventy years ago. Now, my dear friends, having pledged yourselves to contribute all in your power towards the pleasure of my venerable aunt, which of you will be her partner for the evening?"

The pause of a moment was succeeded by a hearty laugh; Tallyho had no objections to the hand, as a partner at the ball, of Miss Judith Macgilligan, even should she choose to array herself after the manner of the princess her grandmother. But Dashall observing that as no masque b.a.l.l.s were given at the Mansion-house, it would be necessary that Miss Macgilligan should forego her intention of appearing otherwise than in modern costume. Sir Felix undertook to arrange this point with his relative, and in the name and on behalf of Squire Tallyho, of Belville-hall, to engage the distinguished honour of her hand at the ensuing Mansion-house Ball. This important affair having been satisfactorily adjusted, it was proposed by Dashall that, as his Cousin and the Baronet had neither of them ever been present at the Epping Hunt on Easter Monday, they should form themselves into a triumvirate for the purpose of enjoying that pleasure on the morrow. The Squire having in town ~194~~ two hunters from his own stud, embraced the proposition with the avidity of a true sportsman, and Sir Felix declining the offer of one of these fleet-footed coursers, it was agreed they should be under the guidance of Tom and Bob, and that Sir Felix should accompany them, mounted on his own sober gelding, early in the morning, to the field of Nimrod, from which they purposed to return to town in sufficient time to witness other holiday sports, before dressing for the entertainment at the Mansion-house.

These preliminaries settled, and Sir Felix agreeing to take a pot-luck dinner with his two friends, the trio resolved on a morning lounge of observation, and sallying forth, took their way along Piccadilly accordingly.

Although it was Sunday morning, this street presented, with the exception of the shops being closed, nearly the same appearance of bustle as on any other day; the number of pedestrians was not apparently less, and of equestrians and carriage-occupants, an increase; the two latter description of the ton, actually or would-be, pa.s.sing onwards to the general Sunday rendezvous, Hyde-Park, where Real Life in London is amusingly diversified; and where may be seen frequently, amongst the promiscuous promenaders of the Mall, a prince of the blood-royal undistinguishable by external ornament from any of the most humble in the moving panorama; while an endless succession of carriages, in which are seated, what England beyond any other country may proudly boast of, some of the most beautiful women in the world, present the observer with an enlivening theme of admiration; and, together with the mounted exhibiters, from the man of fas.h.i.+on on the "pampered, prancing steed,"

to the youth of hebdomadary emanc.i.p.ation on "the hacked Bucephalus of Rotten Row," form an a.s.semblage at once ludicrous and interesting.

Having circ.u.mambulated the "Ring," our triumvirate returned by the gate in Piccadilly, and crossing from thence to Const.i.tution-hill, Dashall pointed out to his companions the seat, as now fixed upon (on the summit of the Green Park) of a Military Pillar, intended to be raised in commemoration of the many victories achieved by British valour in the last war. "This plan, if properly carried into effect by the erection (said Dashall) of a column equal in splendor of execution ~195~~ with the glory it is meant to record, will be the greatest ornament of the metropolis."

"If again," added the Squire, "it does not prove like some other recent projections, a Castle in the air!"{1}

1 Tallyho probably alludes to the long meditated Monument in memory of the late Princess Charlotte, towards the memory of which a very large sum of money was raised by public subscription.

Without any other occurrence worthy of remark, the perambulators reached home, and enjoyed the comfortable quietude of an excellent domestic dinner, without interruption. Every arrangement having been made for the amus.e.m.e.nts of next day, the party broke up, Sir Felix returning to his lodgings, to gladden the heart of Miss Judith Macgilligan with the antic.i.p.ation of conquest; and Dashall and Tallyho retiring to early repose, that they might encounter the business of the morning with recruited renovation.--Next day

The feathered songster chanticleer Had wound his bugle horn, And told the early villager The coming of the morn;--

When the Baronet made his appearance "on a milk-white steed," before the mansion of Dashall. In a few moments the friendly trio were a.s.sembled in the breakfast-parlour, and partook of a hasty repast while the coursers from the Belville-stud, destined to perform a prominent part in the forthcoming adventures of the day, were getting in readiness. The preparations were soon completed,--the hunters, two n.o.ble animals, were brought to the door,

Each "with neck like a rainbow, erecting his crest, Paniper'd, prancing and pleas'd, his head touching his breast."

"Saddle White Surrey for the field to-morrow,"

was the order of Richard," said the Baronet; "but had he been in possession of such a horse as either of these, 'White Surrey' might have gone to the devil."

"I'll warrant them both, sound, wind and limb, and gentle to boot,"

said the Squire,--"Come then, if you wish to be well-mounted, and would really look like a "baron bold," seat yourself fearlessly on either, and bear yourself through the streets of London with the dignity ~196~~ befitting a true, magnanimous and puissant knight of Munster!"--This address had the desired effect,--it implied a doubt of the Baronet's courage, and he seated himself on the "gallant steed" immediately.--Tom and Bob at same time betook themselves, the former to the other "high mettled racer," and the latter to the una.s.suming rejected Rosinante of Sir Felix. A trifling delay, however, occurred; the stirrups of the Baronet's charger were too short, and he alighted while the groom repaired the defect.

Now see him mounted once again Upon his nimble steed; Full slowly pacing o'er the stones, With caution and good heed.

Whether, like the Calenderer's horse under the its guidance of the celebrated John Gilpin, the disdainful steed now in the management of Sir Felix, "wondered what thing he'd got upon his back," we are not competent to decide; but he certainly in his progress "o'er the stones" manifested frequent impatience of restraint. These symptoms of contumaciousness were nevertheless borne by the Baronet without complaint,--

Till finding soon a smoother road Beneath its well-shod feet, The snorting beast began to trot, Which galled him in his seat.