Real Life In London

~116~ "I immediately explained to Mother W. the peculiarly distressing situation of this poor girl, rescued her from meditated perdition,--restored the husband to his family, with improved circ.u.mstances,--and by a continuance of my support, I trust, in some degree to atone for past transgression."

This narrative excited much interest, and the approval, by the company, of Fitzroy's munificence was expressive and unanimous.

The conviviality of the evening was renewed, and sustained until an early hour, when the party broke up; having enjoyed "the feast of reason, and the flow of soul," with temperate hilarity.

Dashall, his Cousin, and Fitzroy, proceeding under the piazzas of Covent Garden, the latter suggested an hour's amus.e.m.e.nt in the Cellars underneath the Hotel, a proposition which was immediately acceded to by his companions, and the trio descended into the lower regions.

The descent however bore not any resemblance to that of Telemachus into h.e.l.l. A brilliant light irradiated their pa.s.sage, and the grim shadows of the infernal abode were, if present, without the ken of ocular observation. In place of the palace of Pandemonium, our triumvirate beheld the temple of Bacchus, where were a.s.sembled a number of Votaries, sacrificing to the jolly Deity of the Ancients, in frequent and powerful libations.

By some unaccountable means the daemon of discord, however, gained admission and ascendancy.

A scene now took place which baffles every attempt at description.--The row became general; decanters, gla.s.ses, and other fragile missiles, were resorted to,--their fragments strewed the floor,--and the terrified attendants hastened to require the interposition of the guardians of the night, in restoring order and tranquillity.

Amidst the ravage and dissonance of war, our trio preserved a strict neutrality, and before the arrival of the mediating powers, had regained their position in the piazzas, where they waited the result of the conflict.

Negotiations of peace having been unavailingly attempted, the refractory combatants were taken into custody, after an obstinate resistance, and conducted to "duress vile," in the Watch-house.

~117~~ The tragi-comedy was dacently wound up by one of the performers, a native of the Emerald Isle, who thinking it necessary that the neighbourhood should have an intimation of the proceedings, announced the hour of "past three," with the accompaniment of "a b.l.o.o.d.y MORNING!"{1}

The neutrals now proceeded to their respective homes, and our two a.s.sociates reached their domicile, without the occurrence of further incident.

Next morning the indicative double rit-tat of the postman induced the Squire from the breakfast-parlor to the hall. The servant had opened the door, and received the letters; when an itinerant dealer in genuine articles obtruded himself on the threshold, and doffing his castor after the manner of a knowing one, enquired whether his honor was pleased to be spoke with. Tallyho desired him to step in, and required to know his business. The fellow with a significant wink, and many prelusive apologies for the liberty he was about to take, stated that he had accidentally come into possession of some contraband goods, chiefly Hollands, Geneva, and India silk handkerchiefs, of prime and indisputable excellence; which he could part with at unparalleled low prices;--that he had already, in this private way, disposed of the greatest portion, and that if his honor was inclined to become a purchaser, he now had the opportunity of blending economy with superlative excellence, in an almost incredible degree, and unequalled in any part of the three kingdoms.

This flourish the Squire answered with becoming indignity; expressed his surprise at the consummate a.s.surance of any trickster who would dare to offer him a contraband article, to the prejudice of His Majesty's revenue; and ordered the servant to turn the "scoundrel" out of doors.{2}

1 The above mentioned fracas took place a few weeks ago.-- The offenders "against the peace of our Sovereign Lord the King," were next day held before one of the Police Magistrates, when it appearing that the row occurred under the influence of ebriety, and that the landlord and the watchmen were the only sufferers, a com-promise was permitted, and the parties were discharged with a suitable admonition.

2 "Contraband articles." The Squire apparently was not aware that the superlatively excellent Hollands, Geneva, and India-hand-kerchiefs were, the one the manufacture of Spital-fields, and the other the sophisticated balderdash known by the name of Maidstone gin. It is a fact, altho' not generally known, that at the different watering places every season, the venders of silk handkerchiefs manufactured in Spital-flelds, carry on a lucrative trade, by disposing of them under the affectation of secrecy, as the genuine produce of the Indian loom; and thus accommodating themselves to the prejudice of their customers against our native productions; get off in threefold proportion, the number sold in London, and at a cent per cent greater advantage!

With respect to alleged contraband SPIRITS, the deceit is more successfully manoeuvred in Town than in the country.-- The facility of smuggling on the coast frequently supplies the maritime visitant with a cheap and genuine beverage. In Town the same opportunity does not occur, and on the uninitiated in the cheats of London, the system of this species of imposition is more frequently practised.

Professing to exhibit Real Life in London, we shall not trouble our readers with an apology for the introduction of the following appropriate incident--

Court ok Requests.--Holborn.--A case of rather a curious nature, and which was characterised rather by the absurd credulity of the parties than by its novelty, came before the Commissioners on Thursday last. A man of the name of O'Regan attended the Court, to show cause against a summons which had been issued, calling upon him to pay a debt of eighteen s.h.i.+llings, which was alleged to be due by him to a person who stated his name to be Higgins. The parties were both Irishmen, and exhibited a good deal of irritation as well as confusion, in their stories. With some difficulty the following facts were collected from their respective statements;--On Tuesday week, about nine o'clock in the evening, a man dressed in the costume of a sailor, and wearing a large rough coat, similar to that commonly worn by sea-faring men, in bad weather, entered the shop of O'Regan, who is a dealer in salt fish, and other haberdashery," as he called it, in St. Giles's; and beckoning to the back part of the room, and at the same time looking very significantly, said, "May be you would not like a drop of the "real thing,"

to keep a merry Christmas with?" "What do you mane?" says O'Regan. "Whiskey, to be sure," says the man. "Faith, and it's I that would, "replied O'Regan, "provided it was good and chape." "Och, by the piper of Kilrush," says the man, "there has not been a noter, claner, more completer drop of _Putshean_ (whiskey illicitly distilled,) smuggled across the _Herring-brook_ (the Irish Channel,) for many a long day, and as for chapeness, you shall have it for an ould song." "You don't mane to say it's after being smuggled!"

says O'Regan. "Be my soul, but I do," rejoined the man, "it's I and Jack Corcoran, a friend of mine, brought it safe and sound into the Thames last Sunday, in the shape of a cargo of b.u.t.ter-firkins, from Cork." "Could a body taste it?"pursued O'Regan. With a couple of "why nots," says the man, "I've a blather full of it under my oxther (his arm- pit,) if you'll lind us hould of a gla.s.s." O'Regan said he hadn't a gla.s.s handy, but he brought a cup, and the bladder being produced, a fair taste was poured forth, which O'Regan, having tippled it off, after collecting

"Och, the devil burn me," says the smuggler, "if I'd desave you." "Sure I know you would'nt," replied Higgins, "only just I'd like to wet my whistle with another drop, as you may say." "Touch my honor, touch my life," says the smuggler; and seizing the tub with some indignation, he called for the poker, and then striking the barrel on each side the bung-hole, out started the bung. He next called for a table-spoon, and a cup, and ladling out about a noggin, alias a quartern, handed it to O'Regan, who, having taken a suck, by the twist of his eye and the smack of his lips, evinced his satisfaction. Higgins finished it; and exclaiming, "it's the dandy," pa.s.sed his hand in his pocket, without further hesitation, and produced his eighteen s.h.i.+llings. O'Regan did the same, and the cask being safely locked in the cupboard, the smuggler was let out with as much caution as he had been admitted. O'Regan and Higgins then held a council upon the division of the spoil; and the latter went up stairs to fetch down a two gallon jar, while the former ran to the public-house to borrow a measure. They soon met again in the parlor, and the tub was brought out.

They endeavoured at first to get the bung out in the same manner which they had observed the smuggler pursue, but not being equally acquainted with the subject, they could not succeed. This difficulty, however, was soon obviated.

O'Regan obtained a large gimblet from a next door neighbour, and a hole being bored in one of the ends, the liquor began to flow very freely into the measure which was held to receive it. Higgins remarked that it looked very muddy, and on the pint being full, lifted it up to have another sup; but he had no sooner taken a gulp, than, to the dismay of O'Regan, he exclaimed, "Oh, Holy Paul, it's bilge!"

mentioning a very unsavoury liquid. "Brother," says O'Regan, and s.n.a.t.c.hing the measure from his partner, took a mouthful himself, which he as quickly spirted about the floor; and then, in an agitated tone, cried out, "Sure enough Higgins, it is bilge, and precious bail it is, as ever I drank." They now eyed each other for some time with mutual surprise, and then sympathetically agreed that they must have been "done."

It was still, however, a matter of surprise to them, how their friend, the smuggler, could have taken good whiskey (which that they had tasted from the bung-hole certainly was,) from such nastiness. In order to solve their doubts, they procured a pail; and, having emptied the cask, they proceeded to break it to pieces, when, to their astonishment, the mystery was unravelled, and their folly, in being made the dupes of a pretended smuggler, made fully manifest; for immediately under the bung-hole they found a small tin box, capable of containing about half a pint, which, being tightly tacked to one of the staves, kept the pure liquor, a small quant.i.ty of which still remained, from that which was of a very opposite character. It was no laughing matter, and they were not, therefore, very merry on the occasion; and still less so, when Higgins demanded of O'Regan the repayment of his eighteen s.h.i.+llings; this O'Regan refused, and a quarrel ensued, which after having terminated in a regular "set to," attended with painful consequences to both; was followed by Higgins applying to this Court for the summons which led to their appearance before the Commissioners. The whole of the circ.u.m-stances, with infinite trouble, having been thus unravelled; the Commissioner declared his inability to afford Mr. Higgins any re-dress. There was clearly no debt incurred; there was a mutual compact, entered into for an illegal purpose, for had the liquid which they had purchased been smuggled spirits, they were liable to pay a large penalty for having bought it. But putting aside all these considerations, it was clear that Higgins had, with a proper degree of caution, endeavoured to satisfy himself of the quality of the article before he paid his money; and thereby showed that he was not acting under a confidence in any guarantee on the part of O'Regan; and consequently could have no claim on him. In this view of the case, he should dismiss the summons without costs. The parties then retired, amidst the laughter of the by-standers; and Higgins, who was evidently much mortified, swore he would take the worth of his eighteen s.h.i.+llings "out of O'Regan's bones!"

This command was obeyed with alacrity, and as promptly acceded to by the discomfited intruder, who, however, retrieved, without doubt, in the credulity of others, the disappointment he had sustained by the pertinacity of the Squire.

~120~~ The morning was unfavourable to pedestrian excursion. The library was well stored with literature in choice variety. To this antidote of ennui the Squire resorted, while Dashall wrote cards of invitation to a few select friends, whom he knew would, _sans ceremonie_ honor his table to take bachelor's fare with him in the evening.

"I pity the man in a rainy day," says a writer, "who cannot find amus.e.m.e.nt in reading." This was not the case with the two a.s.sociates;--the intellectual treat afforded by the library was fully enjoyed; and the moments glided on, imperceptibly, until verging on the hour of dinner.

The friends to whom Dashall had sent round, one and all accepted his invitation, and the remainder of the day was devoted to that refined hilarity, of which his hospitable board was always the chief characteristic.

CHAPTER VIII

London, thy streets abound with incident.-- Das.h.i.+ng along, here roll the vehicles, Splendid, and drawn by highly pamper'd steeds, Of rank and wealth; and intermix'd with these, The hackney chariot, urg'd to sober pace Its jaded horses; while the long-drawn train Of waggons, carts, and drays, pond'rous and slow, Complete the dissonance, stunning the ear Like pealing thunder, harsh and continuous, While on either side the busy mult.i.tude Pa.s.s on, various and infinite.--

~122~~ THE following morning presented the exhilarating aspect of an unclouded sky, and the two friends were antic.i.p.ating, at the breakfast-table, the enjoyment of a fine day,--when

A double rat-tat, quickly doubled again, Announced an intruder of Consequence vain, Decorum inclin'd to defy all;-- Again went the knocker, yet louder and faster, John ran to the door, and one ask'd for his master, Resolv'd against taking denial.--

"My good fellow," said the stranger, "will you be after representing my obeisance and all that, to the Honorable Mr. Dashall, and I beg to know whether he is at home?"

"Your name, sir?"

"Augh, what does it signify?--Tell him an old friend with a new face,--arrah, not so,--tell him, that a new friend with no face at all at all, would be glad to wait upon him.--Sir Felix O'Grady, the Munster baronet, d'ye mind me?"

This was an unexpected visit, and the more kindly received by Dashall and Tallyho, who promised themselves considerable amus.e.m.e.nt in the acquisition of the baronet's society, which was readily conceded for the day, to their request.

~123~~ "Have you breakfasted?" asked Dashall. "Whether or not," answered Sir Felix, "I'll take a cup of taa with you, any how."

When the repast was finished, the triumvirate set out on their pedestrian excursion; interrupted however, in their progress, by a temporary shower, they took refuge in a Coffee-house, where Sir Felix taking up a Newspaper, read from amongst the numerous advertis.e.m.e.nts, the following selected article of information,--"Convenient accommodations for ladies who are desirous of privately lying in, and their infants carefully put out to nurse." "Well now, after all,"

observed the baronet, "this same London is a very convanient place, where a lady may gratify her pleasurable propensities, and at same time preserve an unblemished reputation. It is only going into the country, sure, for the benefit of her health; that is to say, she retires to one of the villages in the neighbourhood of London, pays her way without name given or questions asked, and in a few months, returns to Town improved in health, but more slender in person, all her acquaintance exclaiming, "La! my dear, how vastly thin you have grown!"--

"There are in London and its neighbourhood," said Dashall, "numerous such convenient asylums; but I cannot acquiesce in their utility.--I am rather of opinion that they have a demoralizing tendency, as accelerating by concealment, the progress of licentiousness.--Human failings will still predominate, and the indulgence of illicit intercourse is less frequently prevented by an innate principle of virtue than the dread of shame. When facility of concealment is therefore given to the result, these connexions will still become more prevalent."

"By the Powers," exclaimed Sir Felix, "but I think Morality ought to feel particularly benefited by these convanient asylums; they preserve reputation, and in some instances have prevented suicide and murder. I know of two cases wherein both crimes were perpetrated through a sense of shame and dread of discovery, which probably would not have happened could the unfortunates have resorted to "convanient accommodations."--Well, here's good luck to the fair s.e.x, the dear cratures! and may they, every one of them, die on a Christmas day, any how!"{1}

~124~~ This eccentric wish elicited a look of surprise from the Squire, which Sir Felix observing,--

"My rason is," said he, "that the gates of heaven being open all that day long, a body may slip in unknownst, as it is to be hoped that you, Mr. Dashall, and I may do, some day shortly without any interruption at all, at all."

This ludicrous finis excited the laughter of the company--

"But lo! the clouds break off, and sideways run, Out from his shelter lively looks the sun:"

and the united observers of Real Life hailing the favorable presage, resumed their perambulation.--

Advancing along Piccadilly towards Hyde Park, they reached the splendid mansion of the hero of Waterloo; the gates were open, and a travelling carriage with four horses was in waiting for his Grace, who was then about setting off to inspect the fortifications of the Netherlands.{2} Neither Sir Felix nor Tallyho having ever seen the Duke, the triumvirate paused at the entrance of the Court-yard, until the carriage came forth, when they saluted the gallant warrior with the tribute of respect due to distinguished services and exalted genius, which his Grace very courteously returned.

1 On the subject of "convenient accommodation for ladies who wish privately to ly in," if we might hazard an opinion, it would be in coincidence with that of our friend Dashall.

These establishments' are certainly an encouragement to licentiousness, and it is well known, that in many of these receptacles, "where the strictest honor and secrecy may be relied on," the allurement of _abortion_ is held out to the unhappy female, if she declines the antic.i.p.ation of maternal solicitude.

2 Thirty-Two Great Personages! Anecdote of the Duke of Wellington,--His Grace, the Duke of Wellington, when last in the Netherlands, and travelling without attendants, in a part of the country where his mult.i.tudinous t.i.tles were not well understood, was overtaken on the road by a veteran officer, whose route lay in the same direction with that of his Grace. The Duke having occasion to stop; and as the officer would reach a certain town several hours before him, he requested that the veteran would take the trouble of ordering dinner for him, at the princ.i.p.al Inn. The old officer made his congee, and pro-ceeded on his mission. "I am desired to order dinner here," said he, to the landlord; "but stay, I had better state who for." Then calling for pen and ink, he presented the astonished and delighted host with the following list of his forthcoming ill.u.s.trious guests.

The Prince of Waterloo!

The Duke of Wellington.--The Duke of Ciudad Rodrigo, and The Duke of Vittoria.

The Marquis of Douro, and a Marshal General of France.

Master General of the Ordnance.