Real Life In London

The lady was shortly afterwards handed to her seat, and, accompanied as before, was whirled off with the utmost velocity. She had gone thirty miles of the road, however, before she believed that her lover was really serious. On alighting at the end of the third stage, reflection came to her aid, and she began to repent of having suffered herself to be prevailed on to consent so far to what she still pretended to believe was but a joke. On our hero quitting the coom, she represented to his friend the utter impossibility of proceeding further, and entreated that he would take means to have her re-conducted to town. The friend, however, who was too much interested in the success of a plot so well commenced, endeavoured to dissuade her, by every argument of which he was master, to go on; but she positively refused; when, as the last resource, he determined to work on her fears, and accordingly told her, that Mr.---- had long spoken of her, in terms of impatient rapture; that he was a man, unhappily, of a most pa.s.sionate temper, and that he had vowed, sooner than he would go back to London without making her his wife, he would blow out his brains, for which purpose he was provided with a brace of pistols, then in his pocket, and double loaded. To this was added the still more persuasive observation, that he was a gentleman of family and fortune and figure, to whom no rational objection could be taken by any woman whose heart had not been previously engaged. The result was, that the unfortunate woman, half consenting, half relenting, agreed to go forward, and on they drove till they arrived full speed at Gretna Bridge, in Yorks.h.i.+re. Here a new difficulty arose; our hero had exhausted his purse, and had not a s.h.i.+lling left to enable him to complete his journey; his good genius, however, had not deserted him, and, with that effrontery for which he is distinguished, he called the landlord into a private room, told him he was on his way to Gretna Green with an heiress, again described himself to be the son of a baronet, and finally requested him to give cash for a cheque which he proposed drawing on a respectable banking-house in town, (where, by the bye, he happened to have no account.) The cause he a.s.signed for his distress was the suddenness of his flight from town. His appeal proved successful, and he was furnished with the means of completing his journey. Again the trio resumed their course, and in the end reached the quarters of the celebrated Blacksmith, who was immediately summoned to their presence.

Here another impediment threw them into fresh alarm; the Blacksmith seeing the style in which they had arrived, and judging from that circ.u.mstance that they were persons of no mean consequence, refused to rivet their chains under a douceur of One hundred pounds. This sum it was impossible, at so short a notice, they could raise; and their hopes would have been altogether frustrated, had not the eloquence of our hero once more proved successful. He explained to the venerable priest that their finances were but slender; and having a.s.sured him of that fact, he induced him to accept of Five pounds down, and a note of hand for Fifty pounds more.

The Gordian knot was then tied, and Mr. and Mrs.---- having received the congratulations of their friend, who witnessed the ceremony, returned to Gretna Bridge; where they agreed to wait a few days, until a remittance for which the lady, under some plausible excuse, was induced to draw, had arrived. The necessary sum at length reached their hands; the bill was dis-charged; the cheque upon which the cash had been previously advanced, redeemed; and the party pursued their journey back to the metropolis.

On reaching London, the marriage ceremony was repeated in a more formal manner, and thus all question of the validity of the union was set at rest. Our hero had now to render available the funds of his Lady; and in a morning _tete-a- tete_ requested some information as to the state of her fortune? It was a subject, he said, of no great importance in his estimation, but still he wished to know what she had?

The Lady candidly told him that all she had under her own control, was 1,100 in the 5 per Cents, and a bond of her brother's for 2,500 payable on demand. On the very same day, the disinterested husband was found soliciting several brokers in the city, to sell out the stock which his wife had described, but they all declined, unless the lady were present. This was an objection easily got over; he returned to his wife, and having a.s.signed some feasible reason for an immediate want of ready cash, induced her to accompany him to the market, where the value of the stock was soon transferred into his pocket.

The friends of the lady had by this time been apprised of her marriage, and naturally felt anxious to ascertain the character of the connexion which she had formed. She, of course, repeated the story told her by her "Lord and Master;" but inquiry having been made as to its truth, it was found to be fict.i.tious in all its main features. Her husband, although of the same name, was not the son of Sir George, nor was he at all connected with that family; and in addition to this, it was ascertained that he was, as we have already described him to be, a gentleman "much better known than trusted." It is needless to say that the feelings of the lady were greatly agitated at these discoveries, and she did not hesitate to upbraid her husband with his deceitful conduct. His sensibility, however, was not to be excited on such an occasion; he coolly told her he knew all she could say on that subject without putting her to any further trouble; and, in fine, confirmed all that she had heard to his prejudice. She had taken him "for better for worse,"

and she must make the best of a bad bargain. The brother of the lady now interfered; he had an interview with her husband, and could not suppress the indignation which he felt in his presence. Our hero had too long been accustomed to the reverses of the sporting world to be easily ruffled; he preserved his temper with admirable presence of mind, and having heard the enraged brother to a conclusion, at last very coolly replied, that "all he had said might be very true, but that did not alter the fact that his sister was his lawful wife; and further, that, as her husband, he held a bond of his (the brother's) for '2,500, payable on demand, and of which he requested immediate payment as he was short of "the ready." The cold-blooded gravity with which this demand was made, incensed the brother still more, and he gave vent to the feelings which were excited in his breast. Our hero was in no respect thrown off his guard, and at last, after having heard that the brother, as well as the lady, whose eyes were now open to his real character, would be glad to get rid of him on any terms; he proposed to "do the thing," what he called "handsomely," and with very little qualification suggested, that in order to settle the business "amicably," he had no objection to give up his wife and her brother's bond for 1,000 in addition to the 1,000 he had already received. Unprincipled as this offer was, the brother, upon reflection, felt that he was "in the jaws of the lion," and therefore, after consultation with his sister, who was but too happy in escaping from such a companion, he agreed to

~135~~ Sir Felix O'Grady was all a-gog to learn from the postillions the names of the party, but nothing satisfactory could be elicited.

Our trio now directed their progress along Holborn, in which route they had advanced but a few minutes when their attention was arrested by a concourse of people a.s.sembled at the door of a Linen-draper, who it seems had detected a thief in the person of a pregnant woman.

This information excited the sympathy of our three friends, and they accordingly entered the Shop. Tallyho entreated of the Linen-draper, that he would be merciful to the unfortunate woman, in consideration of her being so far in a family way.

"And yet, sir," answered the Shopkeeper, "I fancy we shall be able to relieve the lady without the a.s.sistance of a midwife." The woman was then taken into a back room and searched by two of her own s.e.x. The result ~136~~of this investigation was soon made known.--The pregnancy was a.s.sumed, the better to evade suspicion; her under garments were completely lined with hooks, to which were suspended, in vast variety, articles of stolen property, including not only those of light weight, viz. handkerchiefs, shawls, stockings, &c. but several of less portable description, amongst which were two pieces of Irish linen. These articles she had conveyed through an aperture in her upper habiliment of sufficient dimensions to admit an easy access to the general repository.

The ingenuity of this invention created much surprise, and as it greatly facilitated concealment and evaded detection, there is no doubt of its having frequently produced a rich harvest. This female adept was now committed to the charge of an officer, the Shopkeeper having identified upon her person several articles of stolen property.

CHAPTER IX

Ladies,--the chariot waits;--the toilet now Where erst so many hours were idly spent, Asks of its wonted due the tythe alone;-- Braid then your tresses of luxuriant now, And wrap your forms angelic in the dress Simple, yet rich and elegant, that gives Your matchless beauties half revealed to view; The broad capacious bosom's luscious swell, Still heaving strong, and suing to be prest;-- Grace then the vehicle.--We, observers Of Real Life, the while, in London go To "catch the living manners as they rise, "And give the age its very form and pressure."

~137~~ CONTINUING their route down Holborn, the adventure in the Linen-draper's shop became the theme of conversation.--"It is not alone," said Dashall, "to the lower orders and necessitous that this system of Shop-lifting is confined; many recent instances have occurred of similar depredation, by women above the mediocrity of rank, who, however, frequently contrive to compromise prosecution, while the delinquent of poverty is visited by the utmost rigor of the law!--Of the two, certainly the thief from habit is more culpable than the thief from necessity."

Sir Felix and the Squire entirely agreed with their friend in opinion.--"Shop-lifters," continued Dashall, "are as pernicious to the trading part of the community as any of the cheats of London; there is not, on a moderate calculation, less than 5000 of these artful thieves in the metropolis, and the prejudice they do to the industrious tradesman is incalculable."

"By the powers of safety, then," exclaimed the baronet "the honest dealer should consider every stranger a thief until further acquaintance."

"Not exactly so; however, it is necessary that the London tradesman should be upon his guard, and keep ~138~~ a sharp look out upon his customers, not knowing, by their appearance, whether they are honest or otherwise."{1}

Turning from Holborn into Chancery Lane, our pedestrians were encountered by a very handsome chariot, in which were two elegantly dressed and beautiful women, who, ordering the carriage to stop, saluted Dashall and the Squire in the most fascinating terms of friendly recognition.

"Your Ladys.h.i.+ps render me," said Dashall, "infinite happiness; this is a most unexpected pleasure!"

"You are a gallant cavalier," observed one of the lovely inmates, "another gentleman would probably have used the word honor instead of happiness, but you are fertile in felicitous expression."

"Not more felicitous than appropriate; but whither away, my fair captivators?"

"We are on a shopping expedition," replied one of the ladies, "you and your friend of Belville-hall, are observers of Life in London generally;--ours is a mere circ.u.mscribed sphere of action; we go to view Life in a Mercer's shop.--When the Squire and you are not more pleasantly engaged, give us a call, and perhaps we may grant you the honor of an interview.--We would ask the Unknown," said she, in a whisper, "who is he?"

1 A thief from habit.--Not long since, there existed in the fas.h.i.+onable world, a female of rank and property, who was an habitual, expert, and incorrigible thief.--She would frequently sally forth in her carriage, and alighting at the doors of perhaps, half a dozen different tradesmen, rummage over their goods, without mak-ing a purchase, and embrace the opportunity of purloining any portable article that lay in her way. Those tradesmen to whom her thieving propensities were known, used to watch, carefully, her manoeuvres, let her walk off with the spoil, and then send a bill of depredation, which she uniformly, and without hesitation, dis-charged. This unfortunate woman was one morning detected in the shop of a Mercer to whom she was a stranger, in the act of pilfering some article of value. He was about to detain her, when she burst into an agony of tears, acknowledged, and lamented deeply, the irresistible infatuation under which she acted, disclosed her rank and family, and the compa.s.sionate mercer suffered her to depart.

At another time, being one of a card-party, a gold snuff-box vanished from the table. Every person present denied any knowledge of it;--"Madam, you are mistaken," said one of the company, "you have got the snuff-box in your pocket."--"How very _absent_ I am!"exclaimed our heroine, producing the box.--"And I beg that you will continue absent!" said the lady of the mansion.

~139~~ "Sir Felix O'Grady, Madam," answered Dashall, "an Irish baronet, of recent acquaintance; like every other gentleman of the Emerald Isle, combining, with characteristic eccentricity, a sound head and a warm heart."

"Then, of all things, bring him with you." "So," waving gracefully her hand, "adieu!" the trio responded, by respectfully raising their hats, "_Allons donc_," she exclaimed, and the carriage drove off.

"There go," exclaimed Dashall, "two of the most lovely and accomplished women in London, and perhaps the least tinctured with fas.h.i.+onable folly."

"With the exception," observed the Squire, "of shopping, that is, I presume, making the morning tour of tradesmen's shops, tumbling over their goods, giving them every possible trouble, and ultimately making no purchase."{1}

Dashall admitted the correctness of the Squire's observation, as generally applicable, but claimed an exemption for the ladies in question.

On the left, proceeding down Chancery Lane, Dashall pointed to a respectable house as the occasional residence of a lady in the first cla.s.s of literature, whose writings have given universal satisfaction, and will continue to be read with increased avidity, as conveying the most admirable lessons of morality, told in a manner alike impressive and pathetic;--Mrs. Op*e; the widow of the late celebrated artist. This excellent woman is endeared to the circle of her numerous acquaintance by a pre-eminent

1 Tallyho had improved in his knowledge of Real Life in London.--His definition of Shopping was perfectly correct.

One of those fas.h.i.+onable female idlers, who delight in occupying the time, and exercising the patience of the industrious, alighted, a short time since, at the shop of a tradesman in Ludgate-street, and after a couple of hours spent in examining and re-examining a variety of rich silks, made her election at last, and desired the mercer to cut her off a s.h.i.+lling's worth, throwing, at the same time, the money on the counter. The tradesman, with perfect coolness, took up the piece of coin, laid it on a corner of the silk, circ.u.m-scribed it with his scissors, and presented the part so cut out to the lady, as the s.h.i.+lling's worth required. We feel pleasure in recording the result. The lady admired the mercer's equanimity of temper, laughed heartily at his manner of ill.u.s.trating it, and in atonement for trouble given and patience exemplified, became, and still continues, one of his most valued customers.

~140~~ suavity of disposition, blended with superior mental endowments; to the unfortunate by her benevolent heart, to which the appeal of distress is never made in vain; and to the public generally, by her invaluable works, the uniform tendency of which is the advancement of virtue and the inculcation of the benign feelings of humanity.{1}

1 To the admirers of Mrs. Op*e, the following lines, never before published, will not prove unacceptable.

TRIBUTE OF RESPECT.

O Thou of matchless power to raise And bend the Pa.s.sions to thy sway I-- Whose pen with magic force portrays, Whose spell the shadowy forms obey.

Of Joy and Grief, of Hope and Fear, And wiles from Apathy a tear,-- Enchantress! take the duteous lays To Worth that Admiration pays.

To thee, as to thy Op*e, given On Immortality a claim; His virtues pa.s.s'd from Earth to Heaven, Yet still exist in deathless fame;-- His pencil to thy pen a.s.sign'd To charm, instruct, and grace mankind!-- And Oh! could but my humble strains To thy impressive skill aspire, The Muse that faintly now sustains Thy worth, would make poetic fire, And glowing high, with fervid name, Would graft her honors on thy name.--

But ah! bereft of every stay, From Hope exil'd, with Woe I keep My vigils, each sad sorrowing day, And wake, each dreary night, to weep!-- By Penury chill'd poetic powers, No voice to soothe, no hand to save, And s.n.a.t.c.h a victim from the grave,-- Around me Desolation lours, And glaring, midst the deep'ning gloom, Despair and Famine urge me to the tomb!

If, all unmeet, my humble strain Is destin'd still to flow in vain;-- Shouldst thou the tribute now refuse Essayed by Misery and the Muse; Reject not yet the lay with scorn, To thee by kindred feelings borne;-- For still thy tales of plaintive tone Breathe pain and sufferings, like mine own.

~141~~ Facing the entrance to the Royal Wax Works, Sir Felix made a full stop;--"That fellow," said he, alluding to the whole length figure of the Centinel, "stands as motionless as a statue; by the powers, but half-a-dozen peep-o-day boys in his rear would be after putting life and mettle in his heels!--Shoulder and carry your arms, you spalpeen; and is this the way that you show the position of a soldier?" at same time enforcing his admonition with a smart stroke of his cane over the arm of the inanimated military representative. The attendant, a young man in the costume of the Yeomen of the Guards, remonstrated; Dashall and Tallyho laughed most immoderately; and the baronet, equally enjoying the joke, persisted in affecting to believe, that he was addressing himself to a living object, greatly to the amus.e.m.e.nt of the now congregating street pa.s.sengers.

"Begging your pardon, ray jewel," continued Sir Felix, "long life and good luck to you, in your stationary quarters, and may His Majesty never find a more active enemy than yourself!--By the soul of my grandmother, it would be well for poor Ireland, who has taken leave of her senses, if her bog-trotting marauders were as peaceably inclined as you are.--Fait and troth, but you're a fine looking lad after all, and with the a.s.sistance of your master, and a touch of Prometheus, we might raise a regiment of braver fellows than the King's Guards, without bounty or beat of drum, in the twinkling of an eye, honey; but with your leave, and saving yourself unnecessary trouble, we'll be after paying a visit to the company above stairs; "and the party proceeded to the exhibition room.--

Here were representatives of the living and mementos of the dead! Kings and Queens, Princes and Princesses,

Ah! cease the sad resemblance here!-- Thee, then, to every feeling dear Of tender sympathy,--thy way Illumin'd to life's remotest day.

In bliss, in worth, in talent s.h.i.+ne, Though pain, and want unsuccour'd, mine!

Adorning this terrestrial sphere, Be long an Op*e's talents given; And Virtue consecrate the tear When call'd to join her native Heaven!

A. K.

~142~~ warriors, statesmen, poets, and philosophers, in social communion: not forgetting the lady who had three hundred and sixty-five children at a birth!!{1}

The baronet made many congees to the great and inferior personages by whom he was surrounded, admired the heterogeneity of the group, and regretted that their imperfect creation precluded the possibility of converse.

One of the figures, by an un.o.bserved excitement of the attendant, now inclined its head to Sir Felix, who, nothing daunted, immediately a.s.sumed the att.i.tude of Macbeth in the banquet scene, and exclaimed,

"Nay, if thou canst nod, speak too! if our graves And charnel houses give those we bury back, Our monuments shall be the maws of kites."

The company present p.r.o.nounced the baronet a player, and a lady, to whom the manly and athletic form of the supposed tragedian had given apparent pleasure, a.s.sured him she had never heard the pa.s.sage more impressively delivered, and that certainly, in the character of the Scottish Usurper, there was no doubt of his becoming to Mr. Kran a very formidable rival!

Sir Felix sustained his part admirably, expressing his high acknowledgment of the lady's favorable opinion; but the enquiry when and in which theatre, he meant to make his first appearance, had so nearly deranged his gravity and that of his two friends, as to induce them to hasten their retreat.