Chapter 9
The menu listed few meat dishes-there was still a food shortage-but Helga insisted that the soya supreme was delicious and Corinth ordered it for both of them. There would be an aperitif too, of course.
He touched gla.s.ses with her over the white cloth. Her eyes were grave on his, waiting. "Was hael."
"Drinc hael," she answered. Wistfully: "I'm afraid our descendants will not understand our ancestors at all. The whole magnificent barbarian heritage will be animal mouthings to them, won't it? When I think of the future I sometimes feel cold."
"You too," he murmured, and knew that she let down her reserve only because it made it easier for him to unburden himself.
A small orchestra came out. Corinth recognized three men among them who had been famous musicians before the change. They carried the old instruments, strings and a few woodwinds and one trumpet, but there were some new ones too. Well, until philharmonic a.s.sociations came back, if they ever did, no doubt serious artists would be glad of a chance to play in a restaurant-at that, they'd have a more appreciative audience than usual in the past.
His eyes went around among the customers. They were ordinary-looking people, h.o.r.n.yhanded laborers side by side with thin stoop-shouldered clerks and balding professors. The new nakedness had obliterated old distinctions, everybody was starting from scratch. There was an easy informality of dress, open-necked s.h.i.+rts, slacks and jeans, an occasional flamboyant experiment. Physical externals were counting for less every day.
There was no conductor. The musicians seemed to play extemporaneously, weaving their melodies in and out around a subtle, tacit framework. It was a chill sort of music, ice and green northern seas, a complex, compelling rhythm underlying the sigh of strings. Corinth lost himself for a while, trying to a.n.a.lyze it. Now and then a chord would strike some obscure emotional note within him, and his fingers tightened on the wine gla.s.s. A few people danced to it, making up their own figures as they went. He supposed that in the old days this would have been called a jam session, but it was too remote and intellectual for that.
Another experiment, he thought. All humanity was experimenting, striking out after paths in a suddenlyhorizonless world.
He turned back to Helga, surprising her eyes as they rested on him. The blood felt hot in his face, and he tried to talk of safe things. But there was too much understanding between them. They had worked and watched together, and now there was a language of their own, every look and gesture meant something, and the meanings flickered back and forth, interlocking and breaking and meeting again, until it was like talking with one's own self.
"Work?" he asked aloud, and it meant: (How has your task been the last few days?) "All right," she said in a flat tone. (We're accomplis.h.i.+ng something heroic, I think. The most supremely worthwhile job of all history, perhaps. But somehow I don't care very much---) "Glad see you tonight," he said. (I need you. I need someone in the lightless hours.) (I will always be waiting), said her eyes.
Dangerous subject. Hide from it.
He asked quickly: "What do you think of the music here? It seems as if they're already on the track of a form suited to... modern man."
"Maybe so," she shrugged. "But I can still find more in the old masters. They were more human."
"I wonder if we are still human, Helga."
"Yes," she replied. "We will always remain ourselves. We will still know love and hate, fear and bravery and laughter and grief."
"But of the same kind?" he mused. "I wonder."
"You may be right," she said. "It's become too hard to believe what I want to believe. There is that."
He nodded, she smiled a little: (Yes, we both know it, don't we? That and all the world besides.) He sighed and clenched his fists briefly: "Sometimes I wish- No." It's Sheila I love.
(Too late, isn't it, Pete?) said her eyes. (Too late for both of us.) "Dance?" he invited. (Come to forgetfulness.) "Of course." (Oh, gladly, gladly!) They got up and moved out on the floor. He felt the strength of her as he put his arm around her waist, and it was as if he drew of it. Mother image? jeered his mind. No matter. The music was entering him more fully now, he felt its curious beat in his blood. Helga's head was almost level with his, but her face was hidden from him. He was not a good dancer, he let her take the lead, but the pleasure of rhythmic physical movement was sharper for him now than it had been before the change. For a moment he wished he could be a savage and dance his sorrow out before the G.o.ds.
No, too late for him. He was a child of civilization-even now; he had been born too old. But what do you do, then, when you see your wife going mad?
Ah, Love, could thou and I with Fate conspire- What a childish thing that wasl And yet he had liked it once.The music ended, and they went back to their table. The hors d'oeuvres had arrived, borne by the machine. Corinth seated Helga and picked moodily at his dish. Presently she looked at him again.
"Sheila?" she asked: (She isn't well these days, is she?) "No." (Thank you for asking.) Corinth grimaced. (Her work helps fill the time, but she's not good at it.
She broods, and she's begun seeing things, and her dreams at night---) Oh, my tormented dearest! "But why?" (You and I, most people, we're adjusted now, we aren't nervous any more; I always thought she was more stable than average.) "Her subconscious mind..." (Running wild, and her consciousness can't control it, and worry over the symptoms only makes matters worse...) "She just isn't made for such power of mind, she can't handle it."
Their eyes met: Something lost, of old innocence, all we once treasured stripped from us, and we stand naked before our own solitude.
Helga lifted her head: (We have to face it out. Somehow we have to keep going.) But the lonelinessl (I'm coming to depend too much on you. Nat and Felix are wrapped up in their own work. Sheila has no strength left, she has been fighting herself too long. There's only you, and it's not good for you.) (I don't mind.) It's all I have, now when I can no longer hide from myself.
Their hands clasped across the table. Then, slowly, Helga withdrew hers and shook her head.
"G.o.d!" Corinth's fists doubled. (If we could only learn more about ourselves! If we had a workable psychiatry!) (Perhaps we will before long. It's being studied.) Soothingly: "And how is your own task coming?"
"Well enough, I suppose." (We'll have the stars within our grasp before spring. But what good is it?
What use are the stars to us?) Corinth stared at his wine gla.s.s. "I'm a little drunk. I talk too much."
"No matter, darling."
He looked at her. "Why don't you get married, Helga? Find someone for yourself. You can't pull me out of my private h.e.l.l."
Her face spoke negation.
"Better leave me out of your life," he urged in a whisper.
"Would you leave Sheila out of yours?" she asked.
The machine waiter came silently to remove their dishes and set the main course before them. Corinth thought vaguely that he ought to have no appet.i.te. Didn't misery traditionally mean pining away? But the food tasted good. Eating-well, yes, a compensation of sorts, like drinking and daydreaming, work and anything else you cared to name.
(You have to endure) said Helga's eyes. (Whatever comes, you have to live through it, you and your sanity, because that is your heritage of human-ness.) After a while she spoke aloud, three clipped words which held an overwhelming meaning: "Pete, wouldyou" (like to go out on the star s.h.i.+p?) "Huh?" He stared at her so foolishly that she had to laugh. In a moment she spoke again, seriously and impersonally: "It's being planned for two men." (Mostly robot-run, you know. Nat Lewis talked me into giving him one of the berths, as biologist. The problem of life elsewhere in the universe---) His voice shook a little: "I didn't know you could control who went."
"Not officially." (In practice, since it's largely an Inst.i.tute project, I can swing it for any qualified person.
Nat wanted me along---)
"But of course a physicist is needed." (You know as much about the project, and have done as much for it, as anyone.) "But---" He shook his head. "I'd like to---" (No, there isn't a strong enough word for it. I'd trade my chances of immortality for a berth like that. I used to lie on my back on summer nights, when I was a kid, and look at the moon rising and Mars like a red eye in heaven, and dream.) "But there's Sheila. Some other time, Helga."
"It wouldn't be a long trip," she said. (A couple of weeks' scouting around among the nearer stars, I imagine, to test out the drive and a number of astronomical theories. Nor do I think it's at all risky-would I let you go if I imagined that?) As it is, I'll watch the sky every night and feel its great cold and clench my fists together. (It's a chance I think you ought to have, for your own peace of mind. You're a lost soul now, Pete. You need to find something above your own problems, above this whole petty world of ours.) She smiled. "Maybe you need to find G.o.d."
"But I tell you, Sheila---"
"There's several months yet before the s.h.i.+p leaves." (Anything can happen in that time. I've kept in touch with the latest psychiatric research too, and there's a promising new line of treatment.) She reached over the table to touch his arm. "Think it over, Pete."
"I will," he said, a little thickly.
Part of him realized that she was holding out that tremendous prospect as an immediate diversion for him, something to break the circle of his worry and gloom. But it didn't matter. It was working anyway. When he came out again on the street with her, he looked up to the sky, saw a few suns dim through its haze, and felt a rush of excitement within him.
The stars! By Heaven, the stars/
CHAPTER THIRTEEN.
SNOW FELL EARLY THAT YEAR. One morning Brock came out of the house and all the world was white.
He stood for a moment looking over the sweep of land, hills and fields and buried roads, to the steel-colored dawn horizon. It was as if he had never seen winter before, bare black trees against a sky of windless quiet, burdened roofs and frost-glazed windows, and a single crow sitting dark and disconsolate on a cold telephone pole. And indeed, he thought, I never have- not really.
The snowfall had warmed the air but his breath still misted from his nostrils and he felt a tingle in his face.
He slapped his hands together, a startlingly loud crack in the stillness, and blew out his cheeks and saidaloud: "Well, Joe, looks like we're settled down for the next half year. White Thanksgiving, and I wouldn't be surprised if we had a white Easter too."
The dog looked up at him, understanding most of it but with little means of replying. Then instinct got the better of him and he went romping and barking to wake the farm with his clamor.
A small stocky form, so bundled up that only the proportions of arm and leg indicated it was not human, came out of the house, shuddered, and bounded quickly over to stand by the man. "Cold," she chattered. "Cold, cold, cold."
"It'll get colder, I'm afraid, Mehitabel," said Brock, and laid a hand on the chimpanzee's fur-capped head. He still feared that the apes would not last out the winter. He had tried to do what he could for them-making clothes, and a.s.signing most of their work in the house or barn where it was warm-but still their lungs were frail.
He hoped desperately that they would live. In spite of their natural flightiness and laziness, they had labored heroically with him; he could not have readied for winter alone. But more than that, they were friends- someone to talk to, once a pidgin dialect had been worked out between him and them. They didn't have much to say, and their gra.s.shopper minds would not stay on one subject, but they broke the solitude for him. Just to sit watching their antics in the gymnasium he had rigged up for them was to laugh, and laughter had become a rare thing.
Curiously, Mehitabel had taken best to the farmyard ch.o.r.es while her mate, Jimmy, handled cooking and housekeeping. Not that it mattered. They were strong and clever helpers, whatever they did.
He trudged over the yard, his boots leaving a smudge in the virginal whiteness, and opened the barn door. A wave of animal heat struck him as he entered the dimness, and the strong odor was heady.
Mehitabel went to get hay and ground corn for the livestock-fifteen cows, two horses, and the vast form of Jumbo the elephant-while Brock gave himself to milking.
What stock was left seemed to have fallen into a placid acceptance of the new order. Brock winced.
They trusted him, he seemed to be a kind of informal G.o.d, and today he would have to violate their trust.
No use putting it off any longer, that would only make it the more difficult.
The door creaked open again and Wuh-Wuh came lumbering in and found a milking stool and joined Brock. He said nothing, and his work went ahead mechanically, but that was not unusual. Brock imagined that Wuh-Wuh was incapable of speech, except the inarticulate stammerings and grunts which had earned him his name.
The imbecile had come tracking in one day a few weeks ago, ragged and filthy and starving. He must have escaped from some asylum-a small, knotty hunchback of uncertain age, his sloping head ugly to look on and a vacancy in his eyes. Wuh-Wuh's intelligence had, obviously, gone up like everyone else's, but that didn't change the fact that he was a defective, physically as well as mentally.
He had not been especially welcome. Most of the big tasks of harvest were done by then, and there was enough worry about supplies for winter without adding an extra mouth. "I kill him, boss," said Jimmy, reaching for a knife.
"No," said Brock. "We can't be that hard."
"I do it quick and easy," grinned Jimmy, testing the edge of the blade on one splay thumb. He had a charming jungle simplicity in him."No. Not yet, anyway." Brock smiled wearily. He was always tired, there was always something to do.
We're the lost sheep, and I seem to have been appointed bellwether. We all have to live in a world that don't want us. After a moment he had added: "We need a lot of wood cut, too."
Wuh-Wuh had fitted in tolerably well, he was harmless enough once Jimmy-probably with the help of a stick-had broken him of some undesirable habits. And the business had made Brock realize with a new force that there must be many of his sort, struggling to live when civilization got too big to concern itself with them. Eventually, he supposed, the morons would have to get together somehow, establish a community and--- Well, why not admit it? He was lonely. Sometimes the depression of his loneliness was almost suicidally great. There were none of his kind to be found, not in all the wintry world, and he was working for nothing except his own unnecessary survival. He needed kins.h.i.+p.
He finished the milking and turned the animals out to get exercise. The water tank was frozen over, but Jumbo broke the thin crust with her trunk and they all cl.u.s.tered around to drink. Later in the day the elephant would have to be put to work getting more water from the emergency pump and carrying it to the tank. Jumbo looked quite s.h.a.ggy now; Brock had never before realized how much hair could grow on an elephant when abrading jungle or the blowtorches of human owners didn't remove it.
He himself went over to the haystack outside the sheep fence. He had had to build a board wall around it to keep the flock from breaking through the wire and gorging themselves, but they respected his fences now. The whim of a G.o.d---He wondered what sort of strange taboo-thoughts went on inside those narrow skulls.
Even before the change, sheep had been animals with personalities of their own, and he knew each of the forty as well as he could know any human. Bluff, quick-witted Georgina was pus.h.i.+ng the timid Psyche away in her haste, fat old Marie Antoinette stood placidly and immovably chewing, Jo-girl did an exuberant dance all by herself in the snow-and there was the old ram, ring-horned Napoleon, magnificently regal, too conscious of supremacy to be arrogant. How could he kill one of them?
Yet there was no help for it. He and Joe and Wuh-Wuh couldn't live on hay, or even the clumsily ground flour and the apples and garden truck in the cellar; Jimmy and Mehitabel could use some broth too-and there were the hides and tallow, the very bones might be worth saving.
Only which one should it be?
He didn't like Georgina much, but she was too good to kill, he needed her blood in his future stock.
Jo-girl the glad, Marie who came up and nuzzled his hand, coquettish Margy and shy Jerri and bravehearted Eleanor -which of his friends was he going to eat?
Oh, shut up, he told himself. You made your mind up long ago.
He whistled for Joe and opened the fence gate. The sheep looked curiously at him as they drifted from their completed meal to the shed where they nested. "Get Psyche over here, Joe," he said.
The dog was off at once, leaping the drifts like coppery fire. Mehitabel came out of the chicken house and waited quietly for what she had to do. There was a knife in her hand.
Joe nudged Psyche, and the ewe looked at him with a shy sort of wonder. The dog barked, a loud clear frosty noise, and nipped her gently on the flank. She came then, plowing through the snow and out the gate. There she stood, looking up at Brock."Come on, girl," he said. "This way."
He closed the gate and locked it. Joe was urging Psyche around the corner of the chicken house, out of sight of the flock.
The pigs had been tough and clever to start with, and had moreover seen many butcherings of their own kind in earlier days. The sheep didn't know. Brock thought that if a few of their number were led off during the winter and never came back, they would merely accept the fact without worrying about it.
Eventually, of course, if man was to go on living off his animals, he would have to inculcate them with some-well, religion-which demanded sacrifices.
Brock shuddered at the thought. He wasn't cut out for the role of Moloch. The human race had been sinister enough without becoming a tribe of blood-drinking G.o.ds.
"Over here, Psyche," he said.
She stood quietly looking at him. He took off his gloves and she licked his palms, her tongue warm and wet against their sweatiness. When he scratched behind her ears, she bleated very softly and moved closer to him.
Suddenly he realized the tragedy of the animals. They had never evolved for this intelligence. Man, with his hands and his speech, must have grown up as a thinking creature, he was at home with his brain. Even this sudden crus.h.i.+ng burden of knowledge was not too great for him, because intellect had always been potentially unlimited.
But the other beasts had lived in a harmony, driven by their instincts through the great rhythm of the world, with no more intelligence than was needed for survival. They were mute, but did not know it; no ghosts haunted them, of longing or loneliness or puzzled wonder. Only now they had been thrown into that abstract immensity for which they had never been intended, and it was overbalancing them. Instinct, stronger than in man, revolted at the strangeness, and a brain untuned to communication could not even express what was wrong.
The huge indifferent cruelty of it was a gorge of bitterness in the man's throat. His vision blurred a little, but he moved with savage speed, stepping behind the sheep and throwing her down and stretching her throat out for the knife. Psyche bleated once, and he saw the horror of foreknown death in her eyes.
Then the ape struck, and she threshed briefly and was still.
"Take-take-" Brock stood up. "Take her yourself, Mehitabel, will you?" He found it oddly hard to speak. "Get Wuh-Wuh't' help you. I got other things to do."
He walked slowly away, stumbling a little, and Joe and Mehitabel traded a glance of unsureness. To them, this had only been a job; they didn't know why their leader should be crying.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN.
w.a.n.g KAO WAS HARD AT WORK when the prophet came. It was winter, and the earth lay white and stiff about the village as far as a man could see, but there would be spring again and plowing to do, and all the oxen had run off. Men and women and children would have to drag the plows, and w.a.n.g Kao desired to ease their labor as much as could be. He was ripping apart the one fuelless tractor which was the only remnant of the Communists, in search of ball bearings, when the cry rose up that a stranger was approaching across the fields.
w.a.n.g Kao sighed and laid down his work. Fumbling through the gloom of the hut which was his smithy,he grasped his rifle and the few remaining cartridges and shrugged on a wadded blue coat. It had been a good friend, that gun, it had seen him through many hundred miles after the army broke up in mutiny and he walked home. There had still been Communist troopers loose then, to say nothing of starved folk turned bandit. Even now, one was never sure what a newcomer might be. The last stranger had come in a s.h.i.+ning aircraft simply to bear word that there was a new government under which all men might be free; but that government was remote and feeble as yet, men had to defend themselves when the need arose.
His neighbors were waiting outside, s.h.i.+vering a little in the cold. Some of them had guns like his, the rest were armed only with knives and clubs and pitchforks. Their breath puffed pale from their noses. Behind their line, the women and children and old people stood in doorways, ready to dive for shelter.