Chapter 53
FROM a wife of small fortune, but yet very proud, Who values herself on her family's blood: Who seldom talks sense, but for ever is loud, _Libera me!_
From living i' th' parish that has an old kirk, Where the parson would rule like a Jew or a Turk, And keep a poor curate to do all his work, _Libera me!_
From a justice of peace who forgives no offence, But construes the law in its most rigid sense, And still to bind over will find some pretence, _Libera me!_
From dealing with great men and taking their word, From waiting whole mornings to speak with my lord, Who puts off his payments, and puts on his sword, _Libera me!_
From Black-coats, who never the Gospel yet taught, From Red-coats, who never a battle yet fought, From Turn-coats, whose inside and outside are naught, _Libera me!_
CMx.x.xVI.--THREE DEGREES OF COMPARISON.
A LADY, proud of her rank and t.i.tle, once compared the three cla.s.ses of people, n.o.bility, gentry, and commonalty, to china, delf, and crockery.
A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see the lady's little girl, who, it was mentioned, was in the nursery.
"John," said she to the footman, "tell the maid to bring the little dear." The footman, wis.h.i.+ng to expose his mistress's ridiculous pride, cried, loud enough to be heard by every one,--"_Crockery_! bring down little _China_."
CMx.x.xVII.--MEN OF LETTERS.
A CORRESPONDENT, something new Transmitting, signed himself X.Q.
The editor his letter read, And begged he might be X.Q.Z.
CMx.x.xVIII.--ELEGANT RETORT.
IT is a common occurrence in the University of Cambridge for the undergraduates to express their approbation or disapprobation of the Vice-Chancellor, on the resignation of his office. Upon an occasion of this kind, a certain gentleman had enacted some regulations which had given great offence; and, when the senate had a.s.sembled in order that he might resign his office to another, a great _hissing_ was raised in disapprobation of his conduct; upon which, bowing courteously, he made the following elegant retort:--
"_Laudatur ab his_."
CMx.x.xIX.--SNUG LYING.
A VISITOR at Churchtown, North Meols, thought people must like to be buried in the churchyard _there_, because it was so healthy.
CMXL.--A PROPER ANSWER.
A KNAVISH attorney asking a very worthy gentleman what was honesty, "What is that to you?" said he; "meddle with those things that _concern you_."
CMXLI.--GOOD HEARING.
I HEARD last week, friend Edward, thou wast dead, I'm very glad to _hear it_, too, cries Ned.
CMXLII.--AN UNCONSCIOUS POSTSCRIPT.
GEORGE SELWYN once affirmed, in company, that no woman ever wrote a letter without a postscript. "My next letter shall refute you!" said Lady G----. Selwyn soon after received a letter from her ladys.h.i.+p, where, after her signature, stood: "P.S. Who was right; you or I?"
CMXLIII.--HOAXING AN
COOKE was announced one evening to play the _Stranger_ at the Dublin Theatre. When he made his appearance, evident marks of agitation were visible in his countenance and gestures: this, by the generality of the audience, was called fine acting; but those who were acquainted with his failing, cla.s.sed it very properly under the head of intoxication. When the applause had ceased, with difficulty he p.r.o.nounced, "Yonder hut--yonder hut," pointing to the cottage; then beating his breast, and striking his forehead, he paced the stage in much apparent agitation of mind. Still this was taken as the _chef-d'oeuvre_ of fine acting, and was followed by loud plaudits, and "Bravo! bravo!" At length, having cast many a menacing look at the prompter, who repeatedly, though in vain, gave him the word, he came forward, and, with overacted feeling, thus addressed the audience: "You are a mercantile people--you know the value of money--a thousand pounds, my all, lent to serve a friend, is lost for ever. My son, too--pardon the feelings of a parent--my only son--as brave a youth as ever fought his country's battles, is slain--not many hours ago I received the intelligence; but he died in the defence of his King!" Here his feelings became so powerful that they choked his utterance, and, with his handkerchief to his eyes, he staggered off the stage, amidst the applause of those who, not knowing the man, pitied his situation. Now, the fact is, Cooke never possessed 1,000 in his life, nor had he ever the honor of being a father; but, too much intoxicated to recollect his part, he invented this story, as the only way by which he could decently retire; and the sequel of the business was, that he was sent home in a chair, whilst another actor played the part.
CMXLIV.--THE SEASON-INGS.
"COME here, Johnny, and tell me what the four _seasons_ are." Young Prodigy: "Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar."
CMXLV.--NOT AT HOME.
A WEAVER, after enjoying his potations, pursued his way home through the churchyard, his vision and walking somewhat impaired. As he proceeded, he diverged from the path, and unexpectedly stumbled into a partially made grave. Stunned for a while, he lay in wonder at his descent, and after some time he got out, but he had not proceeded much further when a similar calamity befell him. At this second fall, he was heard, in a tone of wonder and surprise, to utter the following exclamation, referring to what he considered the untenanted graves, "Ay! ir ye _a' up an' awa_?"
CMXLVI.--LINCOLN'S-INN DINNERS.
ON the evening of the coronation-day of our gracious Queen, the Benchers of Lincoln's Inn gave the students a feed; when a certain profane wag, in giving out a verse of the National Anthem, which he was solicited to lead in a solo, took that opportunity of stating a grievance as to the modic.u.m of port allowed, in manner and form following:--
"Happy and glorious"-- _Three half-pints_ 'mong _four_ of us, _Heaven send no more of us_, G.o.d save the Queen!
which ridiculous perversion of the author's meaning was received with a full chorus, amid tremendous shouts of laughter and applause.
CMXLVII.--WHY ARE WOMEN BEARDLESS?
HOW wisely Nature, ordering all below, Forbade a beard on woman's _chin_ to grow, For how could she be shaved (whate'er the skill) Whose _tongue_ would never let her _chin_ be still!
CMXLVIII.--COOL RETORT.
HENDERSON, the actor, was seldom known to be in a pa.s.sion. When at Oxford, he was one day debating with a fellow-student, who, not keeping his temper, threw a gla.s.s of wine in the actor's face; when Henderson took out his handkerchief, wiped his face, and cooly said, "That, sir, was a _digression_: now for the argument."
CMXLIX.--LYING.
DON'T give your mind to lying. A lie may do very well for a time, but, like a bad s.h.i.+lling, it's found out at last.--D.J.
CML.--PERTINENT INQUIRY.
A PERSON addicted to lying, relating a story to another, which made him stare, "Did you never hear that before?" said the narrator. "No," says the other: "Pray, sir, _did you_?"
CMLI.--A POLITE REBUKE.
CHARLES MATHEWS, seated on a coach-box on a frosty day, waiting for the driver, said to him when at length he appeared: "If you stand here much longer, Mr. Coachman, your horses will be like Captain Parry's s.h.i.+ps."--"How's that, sir?"--"Why, _frozen at the pole_!"