Chapter 56
CMXC.--THE TRUTH BY ACCIDENT.
ONE communion Sabbath, the precentor observed the n.o.ble family of ---- approaching the tables, and likely to be kept out by those pressing in before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out to an individual whom he considered the princ.i.p.al obstacle in clearing the pa.s.sage, "Come back, Jock, and let in the n.o.ble family of ----," and then turning to his psalm-book, took up his duty, and went on to read the line, "Nor stand _in sinners' way_."
CMXCI.--ENCOURAGEMENT.
A YOUNG counsel commenced his stammering speech with the remark, "The unfortunate client who appears by me--" and then he came to a full stop; beginning again, after an embarra.s.sed pause with a repet.i.tion of the remark, "My unfortunate client--." He did not find his fluency of speech quickened by the calm raillery of the judge, who interposed, in his softest tone, "Pray go on, so far the court is quite _with you_."
CMXCII.--FALSE ESTIMATE.
KEAN once played _Young Norval_ to Mrs. Siddons's _Lady Randolph_: after the play, as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to him, and patting him on the head, said, "You have played very well, sir, very well. It's a pity,--but there's _too little_ of you to do anything."
Coleridge said of this "little" actor: "Kean is original; but he copies from himself. His rapid descent from the hyper-tragic to the infra-colloquial, though sometimes productive of great effect, are often unreasonable. To see him act, is like reading 'Shakespeare' by flashes of lightning. I do not think him thorough-bred gentleman enough to play _Oth.e.l.lo_."
CMXCIII.--AMERICAN PENANCE.
AS for me, as soon as I hear that the last farthing is paid to the last creditor, I will appear on my knees at the bar of the Pennsylvanian Senate in the plumeopicean robe of American controversy. Each Conscript Jonathan shall trickle over me a few drops of tar, and help to decorate me with those penal plumes in which the vanquished reasoner of the transatlantic world does homage to the physical superiority of his opponents.--S.S.
CMXCIV.--A MONEY-LENDER.
THE best fellow in the world, sir, to get money of; for as he sends you half cash, half wine, why, if you can't take up his bill, you've always poison at hand for a remedy.--D.J.
CMXCV.--A BAD MEDIUM.
A MAN, who pretended to have seen a ghost, was asked what the ghost said to him? "How should I understand," replied the narrator, "what he said?
I am not skilled in any of the _dead_
CMXCVI.--TAKING A HINT.
THE Bishop preached: "My friends," said he, "How sweet a thing is charity, The choicest gem in virtue's casket!"
"It is, indeed," sighed miser B., "And instantly I'll go and--ask it."
CMXCVII.--SWEARING THE PEACE.
AN Irishman, swearing the peace against his three sons, thus concluded his affidavit: "And this deponent further saith, that the only one of his children who showed him any real filial affection was his youngest son Larry, for he _never struck him when he was down_!"
CMXCVIII.--THE RULING Pa.s.sION.
THE death of Mr. Holland, of Drury Lane Theatre, who was the son of a _baker_ at Chiswick, had a very great effect upon the spirits of Foote, who had a very warm friends.h.i.+p for him. Being a legatee, as well as appointed by the will of the deceased one of his bearers, he attended the corpse to the family vault at Chiswick, and there very sincerely paid a plentiful tribute of tears to his memory. On his return to town, Harry Woodward asked him if he had not been paying the last compliment to his friend Holland? "Yes, poor fellow," says Foote, almost weeping at the same time, "I have just seen him _shoved_ into the _family oven_."
CMXCIX.--A SANITARY AIR.
THE air of France! nothing to the air of England. That goes ten times as far,--it must, for it's ten times as thick.--D.J.
M.--GRAFTING.
VERY dry and pithy too was a legal _opinion_ given to a claimant of the Annandale peerage, who, when pressing the employment of some obvious forgeries, was warned, that if he persevered, nae doot he might be a peer, but it would be a peer o' anither _tree_!
MI.--A SHORT CREED.
A SCEPTICAL man, conversing with Dr. Parr, observed that he would believe nothing that he did not understand. Dr. Parr, replied, "Then young man, _your creed_ will be the shortest of any man's I know."
MII.--IN THE DARK.
A SCOTCH lady, who was discomposed by the introduction of gas, asked with much earnestness, "What's to become o' the _puir whales_?" deeming their interests materially affected by this superseding of their oil.
MIII.--NOT TO BE TEMPTED.
"COME down, this instant," said the boatswain to a mischievous son of Erin, who had been idling in the round-top; "come down, I say, and I'll give you a good dozen, you rascal!"--"Troth, sur, I wouldn't come down if you'd give me _two dozen_!"
MIV.--QUITE POETICAL.
HARRY ERSKINE made a neat remark to Walter Scott after he got his Clerks.h.i.+p of Session. The scheme to bestow it on him had been begun by the Tories, but (most honorably) was completed by the Whigs, and after the fall of the latter, Harry met the new Clerk, and congratulated him on his appointment, which he liked all the better, as it was a "Lay of the _Last Ministry_!"
MV.--CORPORATION POLITENESS.
AS a west-country mayor, with formal address, Was making his speech to the haughty Queen Bess, "The Spaniard," quoth he, "with inveterate spleen, Has presumed to attack you, a poor virgin queen, But your majesty's courage soon made it appear That his Dons.h.i.+p had ta'en the wrong sow by the ear."
MVI.--A COMMON WANT.
IN the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited disputants, he began:--
"Gentlemen, all I want is common sense--"
"Exactly," Jerrold interrupted, "that is precisely what you _do_ want!"
The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter.
MVII.--LARGE, BUT NOT LARGE ENOUGH.
THE Rev. William Cole, of Cambridge, nicknamed the Cardinal, was remarkable for what is called a "comfortable a.s.surance." Dining in a party at the University, he took up from the table a gold snuff-box, belonging to the gentleman seated next to him, and bluntly remarked that "It was big enough to hold the freedom of a corporation."--"Yes, Mr.
Cole," replied the owner; "it would hold any _freedom_ but yours."