Chapter 24
"Why should I think to find you different?" she asked, "Is any man different from his fellows, humble or great? Is it not man himself, not only men, that I must face as I have faced you--with silence, or with sullen speech, or with a hardness far beyond my years, and a gaiety that means nothing more kind than insolence?"
Again her head fell on her breast, and her hands linked themselves on her knees as she knelt there in silence.
"Lois," I said, trying to think clearly, "I do not know that other men and I are different. Once I believed so. But--lately--I do not know.
Yet, I know this: selfish or otherwise, I can not endure the thought of you in peril."
She looked at me very gravely; then dropped her head once more.
"I don't know," I said desperately, "I wish to be honest--tell you no lie--tell none to myself. I--your beauty--has touched me--or whatever it is about you that attracts. And, whatever gown you go in, I scarcely see it--somehow--finding you so--so strangely--lovely--in speech also--and in--every way.... And now that I have not lied to you--or to myself--in spite of what I have said, let me be useful to you. For I can be; and perhaps these other sentiments will pa.s.s away----"
She looked up so suddenly that I ceased speaking, fearful of a rebuff; but saw only the grave, grey eyes looking straight into mine, and a sudden, deeper colour waning from her cheeks.
"Whatever I am," said I, "I can be what I will. Else I were no man. If your--beauty--has moved me, that need not concern you--and surely not alarm you. A woman's beauty is her own affair. Men take their chance with it--as I take mine with yours--that it do me no deep damage. And if it do, or do not, our friends.h.i.+p is still another matter; for it means that I wish you well, desire to aid you, ease your burdens, make you secure and safe, vary your solitude with a friendly word--I mean, Lois, to be to you a real comrade, if you will. Will you?"
After a moment she said:
"What was it that you said about my--beauty?"
"I take my chances that it do me no deep damage."
"Oh! Am I to take my chance, too?"
"What chance?"
"That--your kindness do me--no damage?"
"What senseless talk is this you utter?"
She shook her head slowly, then:
"What a strange boy! I do not fear you."
"Fear me?" I repeated, flus.h.i.+ng hotly. "What is there to fear? I am neither yokel nor beast."
"They say a gentleman should be more dreaded."
I stared at her, then laughed:
"Ask yourself how far you need have dread of
"Is my tongue so bitter then? I did not know it."
"I know it," said I with angry emphasis. "And I tell you very freely that----"
She stole a curious glance at me. Something halted me--an expression I had never yet seen there in her face, twitching at her lips--hovering on them now--parting them in a smile so sweet and winning that, silenced by the gracious transformation, unexpected, I caught my breath, astonished.
"What is your given name?" she asked, still dimpling at me, and her eyes now but two blue wells of light.
"Euan," I said, foolish as a flattered schoolboy, and as awkward.
"Euan," she said, still smiling at me, "I think that I could be your friend--if you do truly wish it. What is it you desire of me? Ask me once more, and make it very clear and plain."
"Only your confidence; that is all I ask."
"Oh! Is that all you ask of me?" she mimicked mockingly; but so sweet her smile, and soft her voice, that I did not mind her words.
"Remember," said I, "that I am older than you. You are to tell me all that troubles you."
"When?"
"Now."
"No. I have my was.h.i.+ng to complete, And you must go. Besides, I have mending, darning, and my knitting yet to do. It all means bed and bait to me."
"Will you not tell me why you are alone here, Lois?"
"Tell you what? Tell you why I loiter by our soldiers' camps like any painted drab? I will tell you this much; I need no longer play that shameless role."
"You need not use those words in the same breath when speaking of yourself," I answered hotly.
"Then--you do not credit ill of me?" she asked, a bright but somewhat fixed and painful smile on her red lips.
"No!" said I bluntly. "Nor did I ever."
"And yet I look the part, and seem to play it, too. And still you believe me honest?"
"I know you are."
"Then why should I be here alone--if I am honest, Euan?"
"I do not know; tell me."
"But--are you quite certain that you do not ask because you doubt me?"
I said impatiently: "I ask, knowing already you are good above reproach. I ask so I may understand how best to aid you."
A lovely colour stole into her cheeks.
"You are kind, Euan. And it is true--though--" and she shrugged her shoulders, "what other man would credit it?" She lifted her head a little and looked at me with clear, proud eyes:
"Well, let them say what they may in fort and barracks twixt this frontier and Philadelphia. The truth remains that I have been no man's mistress and am no trull. Euan, I have starved that I might remain exactly what I am at this moment. I swear to you that I stand here unsullied and unstained under this untainted sky which the same G.o.d made who fas.h.i.+oned me. I have known shame and grief and terror; I have lain cold and ill and sleepless; I have wandered roofless, hunted, threatened, mocked, beset by men and vice. Soldiers have used me roughly--you yourself saw, there at the Poundridge barracks! And only you among all men saw truly. Why should I not give to you my friends.h.i.+p, unashamed?"
"Give it," I said, more deeply moved than ever I had been.
"I do! I do! Rightly or wrongly, now, at last, and in the end, I give my honest heart and friends.h.i.+p to a man!" And with a quick and winning gesture she offered me her hand; and I took it firmly in my clasp, and fell a-trembling so I could not find a word to utter.
"Come to me to-night, Euan," she said. "I lodge yonder. There is a poor widow there--a Mrs. Rannock--who took me in. They killed her husband in November. I am striving to repay her for the food and shelter she affords me. I have been given mending and was.h.i.+ng at the fort. You see I am no leech to fasten on a body and nourish me for nothing. So I do what I am able. Will you come to me this night?"
"Yes." But I could not yet speak steadily.