Chapter 6
BDELYCLEON. No, no, by addressing Hestia first,[91] I might, thanks to her, crush an adversary.
PHILOCLEON. Put an end to delay by calling up the case. My verdict is already settled.
BDELYCLEON. Wait! I must yet bring out the tablets[92] and the scrolls.[93]
PHILOCLEON. Oh! I am boiling, I am dying with impatience at your delays.
I could have traced the sentence in the dust.
BDELYCLEON. There you are.
PHILOCLEON. Then call the case.
BDELYCLEON. I am here.
PHILOCLEON. Firstly, who is this?
BDELYCLEON. Ah! my G.o.d! why, this is unbearable! I have forgotten the urns.
PHILOCLEON. Well now! where are you off to?
BDELYCLEON. To look for the urns.
PHILOCLEON. Unnecessary, I shall use these vases.[94]
BDELYCLEON. Very well, then we have all we need, except the clepsydra.
PHILOCLEON. Well then! and this? what is it if not a clepsydra?[95]
BDELYCLEON. True again! 'Tis calling things by their right name! Let fire be brought quickly from the house with myrtle boughs and incense, and let us invoke the G.o.ds before opening the sitting.
CHORUS. Offer them libations and your vows and we will thank them that a n.o.ble agreement has put an end to your bickerings and strife.
BDELYCLEON. And first let there be a sacred silence.
CHORUS. Oh! G.o.d of Delphi! oh! Phoebus Apollo! convert into the greatest blessing for us all what is now happening before this house, and cure us of our error, oh, Paean,[96] our helper!
BDELYCLEON. Oh! Powerful G.o.d, Apollo Aguieus,[97] who watchest at the door of my entrance hall, accept this fresh sacrifice; I offer it that you may deign to soften my father's excessive severity; he is as hard as iron, his heart is like sour wine; do thou pour into it a little honey.
Let him become gentle like other men, let him take more interest in the accused than in the accusers, may he allow himself to be softened by entreaties; calm his acrid humour and deprive his irritable mind of all sting.
CHORUS. We unite our vows and chants to those of this new magistrate.[98]
His words have won our favour and we are convinced that he
BDELYCLEON. If there be any judge near at hand, let him enter; once the proceedings have opened, we shall admit him no more.[99]
PHILOCLEON. Who is the defendant? Ha! what a sentence he will get!
XANTHIAS (_Prosecuting Council_). Listen to the indictment. A dog of Cydathenea doth hereby charge Labes of Aexonia with having devoured a Sicilian cheese by himself without accomplices. Penalty demanded, a collar of fig-tree wood.[100]
PHILOCLEON. Nay, a dog's death, if convicted.
BDELYCLEON. This is Labes, the defendant.
PHILOCLEON. Oh! what a wretched brute! how entirely he looks the rogue!
He thinks to deceive me by keeping his jaws closed. Where is the plaintiff, the dog of Cydathenea?
DOG. Bow wow! bow wow!
BDELYCLEON. Here he is.
PHILOCLEON. Why, 'tis a second Labes, a great barker and a licker of dishes.
SOSIAS (_Herald_). Silence! Keep your seats! (_To Xanthias._) And you, up on your feet and accuse him.
PHILOCLEON. Go on, and I will help myself and eat these lentils.
XANTHIAS. Men of the jury, listen to this indictment I have drawn up. He has committed the blackest of crimes, both against me and the seamen.[101] He sought refuge in a dark corner to glutton on a big Sicilian cheese, with which he sated his hunger.
PHILOCLEON. Why, the crime is clear; the foul brute this very moment belched forth a horrible odour of cheese right under my nose.
XANTHIAS. And he refused to share with me. And yet can anyone style himself your benefactor, when he does not cast a morsel to your poor dog?
PHILOCLEON. Then he has not shared?
XANTHIAS. Not with me, his comrade.
PHILOCLEON. Then his madness is as hot as my lentils.
BDELYCLEON. In the name of the G.o.ds, father! No hurried verdict without hearing the other side!
PHILOCLEON. But the evidence is plain; the fact speaks for itself.
XANTHIAS. Then beware of acquitting the most selfish of canine gluttons, who has devoured the whole cheese, rind and all, prowling round the platter.
PHILOCLEON. There is not even enough left for me to fill up the c.h.i.n.ks in my pitcher.
XANTHIAS. Besides, you _must_ punish him, because the same house cannot keep two thieves. Let me not have barked in vain, else I shall never bark again.
PHILOCLEON. Oh! the black deeds he has just denounced! What a shameless thief! Say, c.o.c.k, is not that your opinion too? Ha, ha! He thinks as I do. Here, Thesmothetes![102] where are you? Hand me the vessel.
SOSIAS (_Thesmothetes_). Take it yourself. I go to call the witnesses; these are a plate, a pestle, a cheese knife, a brazier, a stew-pot and other half-burnt utensils. (_To Philocleon._) But you have not finished?
you are piddling away still! Have done and be seated.
PHILOCLEON. Ha, ha! I reckon I know somebody who will s.h.i.+t himself with fright today.
BDELYCLEON. Will you never cease showing yourself hard and intractable, and especially to the accused? You tear them to pieces tooth and nail.
PHILOCLEON. Come forward and defend yourself. What means this silence?
Answer.