Chapter 22
"I only wanted to know. We went to bed very late last night. We had a visitor, a cousin of mine, and there was a great deal of smoking and talking; it gave me a dreadful headache, and I went into the garden for an hour. Will you sit any longer, or shall we give it up? I dare say it is difficult, and you seem tired."
"No, no," he murmured.
He placed himself again in the att.i.tude, but not so well as before. His brain was full of bewildering thoughts, which made his heart beat.
"When did you come home?"
"I was in the garden for an hour."
Was it possible! No, no, it was impossible--it was only an accident.
But if he had met her alone in the garden in the dead of night, what would he have said, what would he have done?
Everything swam before him. He pa.s.sed his hand, which he ought to have held up to his brow, across his eyes.
"What is the matter?" cried Ferdinanda.
The hand dropped, the eyes, which were fixed upon her, shone like flames of fire.
"What is the matter," he murmured--"what is the matter! Ho, non lo so neppur io: una febbre che mi divora; ho, che il sangue mi abbrucia, che il cervello mi si spezza; ho, in fine che non ne posso piu, che sono stanco di questa vita!"
Ferdinanda had tried to stop this outburst, but without success. She trembled from head to foot; the flaming eyes emitted a spark which penetrated to her own heart, and her voice trembled as she said, as quietly as she could:
"You know I cannot understand you when you speak so fast--so wildly."
"You did understand me," murmured the youth.
"I did not understand anything more than I can see for myself--that you are devoured with fever, that your blood boils to suffocation, that your brain is bursting, that you are tired of life; which means, in German, that you stayed too long yesterday at your club, raved too much about your beloved Italy, and consequently drank too much strong Italian wine."
The veins on his white forehead started out in blue lines, and he uttered a hoa.r.s.e cry like that of a wild beast. He clutched at his breast, where he usually carried his stiletto, but the pocket was empty, and he looked around as if seeking for some weapon.
"Would you murder me?"
The right hand, which was still clutched in his breast, loosened its grasp and fell by his side; the left hand followed, and the fingers linked themselves together; a rush of tears broke from his eyes: the fire was extinguished, and, sinking on his knees, he faltered:
"Mi perdona! Ferdinanda, l'ho amata dal primo giorno che l'ho veduta, ed adesso--ah, adesso!"
"I know it, my poor Antonio," said Ferdinanda, "and for that reason I forgive you once more, for the last time. If you repeat this scene I will tell my father, and then you must leave the house. And now, Signor Antonio, rise!"
She gave him her hand, which, still kneeling, he pressed to his lips and forehead.
"Antonio, Antonio!" called Justus' voice from without, and then a knock was heard at the door, which opened into the yard. Antonio sprang to his feet.
"Is Antonio here, Fraulein Ferdinanda?"
Ferdinanda went herself to open the door.
"Still at work?" said Justus as he entered. "But I thought you were going to the Exhibition with your cousin?"
"I am waiting for him; he has not made his appearance yet. You go on with Antonio; we will meet in the sculpture-room."
"As you like. What you have done to the eyes to-day is no good at all--it is all wrong. You have worked without a model again. When will you learn that without models we are helpless! Andiamo, Antonio! if you are not ashamed to walk through the streets with me."
He had laughingly placed himself by the Italian, as if to amuse Ferdinanda by the comparison which he himself observed between his short little figure in the old velvet coat and light trousers of doubtful newness, and the slim, handsome, smart youth, his a.s.sistant.
But Ferdinanda had already turned away, and again repeated, "We shall meet in the sculpture-room."
"Dunque andiamo!" cried Justus; "a rivederci!"
CHAPTER IX.
The door was shut, the footsteps of the two men died away--Ferdinanda had not moved.
"Una principessa!" she murmured. "He is the only one who understands me. What use is it to be understood by him? If he were
She sank down upon a stool, and took the letter from her bosom which _he_ had given her yesterday over the garden wall. She already knew it by heart, but she liked to see the trace of the loved hand.
"Why did you not try to let me know that you would be at the station?
You could have written quite safely to Schonau; it was mere chance that I came by that train--mere chance that I made acquaintance with your cousin in the carriage. How can we ever get on, how can we even prolong our present miserable existence, if we leave everything to chance? If we do not struggle for our happiness by boldly meeting our cruel fate?
As it was, I had to find some excuse for tumbling head over heels out of the carriage; and how easily I might have missed you, or found you with your father, and then there would have been another opportunity lost! I hope now things may be a little better. Your cousin is, so he told me, acquainted with my sister, and she herself explained how they had made acquaintance on the road, and he made himself extremely useful to the party. My sister speaks of him very highly, and a.s.sures me that my father is delighted with him. He will, of course, call upon my father; at all events I shall come and thank my 'comrade' for the service he has done my belongings, either commissioned by Elsa and my father, or without any commission at all--leave that to me. At all events it will give us an opening that will be very useful, as your cousin seems a pleasant fellow, with whom little ceremony will be necessary. Get on good terms with him, and make use of 'my cousin' to take you out walking and to concerts, theatres, and exhibitions. By the way, go to-morrow--splendid opportunity--to the Exhibition. I shall only be on duty till twelve o'clock, so perhaps at half-past twelve I may persuade Elsa to go, as she has already expressed a wish to do so.
I can take the opportunity of introducing you to her all the more easily that we were formally introduced yesterday; so be prepared for it. I write these lines, as usual, in flying haste, during the few minutes that I dare steal away from the family circle; forgive such a scrawl. I kiss your lovely hand now in my thoughts as I did erewhile when you gave it me over the garden wall for the first time--not for the last, I swear!"...
She let the letter fall into her lap. And no word of his father! not a word that could show that he was in earnest, in real earnest; that he would at least make an attempt to free them from their present humiliating situation! And he knew nothing yet of last night's scene!
She crumpled up the paper which lay under one hand, and seizing it the next moment with both hands covered it with kisses, smoothed it carefully out, and replacing it in her bosom, laid her hot forehead upon the marble slab of the little table.
"Una febbre che mi divora," she murmured; "il sangue mi abbrucia, il cervello mi si spezza--sono stanca di questa vita! Yes, yes!" she cried, starting up, "I am tired of this life, which is no life at all, but a hideous mockery of life, a death before death--worse--a living grave! I will force my way out of this ghastly tomb, or die by my own hand!"
She walked up and down the room, wringing her hands and sobbing, now throwing herself upon a chair and gazing wildly before her, now starting up and again wandering about with gestures of despair. The loud clang of the great bell caught her attention for a moment. She knew that it was something quite unusual--perhaps some great accident had happened: a boiler burst, the saws of one of the machines bent, and the wall to which it was fastened pulled down and in ruins, as had happened a few months ago; perhaps a fire--what did it signify to her whether people were crushed and killed, or all burnt together? Was not she broken and wounded in soul and body, wandering amongst the ruins of the happiness which had never existed except in her dreams! A despairing woman, to whom a hair s.h.i.+rt would be suitable and ashes on her head, that head that she had once carried so proudly--like her father! It was all his fault. He it was, who had declared war between them! And he did not know yet; but the hour was coming soon, even to-day if she were followed--and then?
She had lain awake the whole night thinking over that question; she had racked her mind over it the whole morning. And then? and then?
How could she alone find an answer without him? And he--he! When last night she described in a few hasty words the scene that had taken place at table, had he given the one only answer that she had expected--"Then we must try to settle it without our fathers' consent!" He had answered nothing, not a word! and his silence confirmed what she had most feared--the only thing that she had feared and dreaded--that he was not prepared to carry the matter out to the last, to its extreme end--that he did not love her as she loved him!
Of what use were her courage and determination? She was helpless!
She--helpless!
She stood still before a looking-gla.s.s which she was just pa.s.sing. She examined her face, her figure as though she were the model whom she had ordered for the next day, and wished to see whether the form thus reflected were really what it laid claim to be. Was she really as beautiful as they all said? Was the great French sculptor right who came to see Justus last year, and at sight of her stood thunderstruck, and then exclaimed that till he saw her he had never believed that nature could have produced so perfect a form.
But Antonio, too, was beautiful--beautiful as a dream, and yet she did not love him. And was he, who was not even an artist--was he to let beauty alone so fascinate him that he should give up family prejudice, rank, social position, all--for what? A woman never asks such questions if she loves; she makes no calculations, no bargains--she loves, and gives freely, joyfully, everything that she has to give--she gives herself.
She leaned back in her chair, buried her face in the cus.h.i.+ons, and shut her eyes.
"He does not know how pa.s.sionately I love him, how I would cover him with kisses," she murmured; and yet, how did it go? "The only charm which a man cannot withstand, and which he follows unresistingly... and his grat.i.tude for which is, in fact, only recollection and longing----"
It was from a French novel that she had gathered this melancholy piece of knowledge--not a good book--and she had not read to the end. But this sentence, which she did not dare repeat entirely to herself, had fallen into her heart like a spark of fire, and smouldered and burnt there--in her heart, in her cheeks, in her closed eyes, in the beating pulses of her temples--air! air!
She started up and clutched at the empty air like a drowning man. "I am lost," she cried, "I am lost, lost!"