Real Life In London

"But how, in the name of wonder, do they learn to drive in this style?"

"Easily enough; inclination and determination will accomplish their objects. Why, among the softer s.e.x, we have female Anatomists--female Students in Natural History--Sculptors, and Mechanics of all descriptions--Shoe-makers and Match-makers--and why not Charioteers?"

"Nay, I am not asking why; but as it appears rather out of the common way, I confess my ignorance has excited my curiosity on a subject which seems somewhat out of nature."

"I have before told you, Nature has nothing to do with Real Life in London."

"And yet," continued Bob, "we are told, and I cannot help confessing the truth of the a.s.sertion, with respect to the ladies, that

"----Loveliness Needs not the foreign aid of ornament, But is, when unadorned, adorn'd the most,"

This certainly implies a natural or native grace."

"Pshaw," said Dashall, "that was according to the Old school; such doctrines are completely exploded now-a-days, for Fas.h.i.+on is at variance with Nature in all her walks; hence, driving is considered one of the accomplishments necessary to be acquired by the female s.e.x in high life, by which an estimate of character may be formed: for instance--if a lady take the reins of her husband, her brother, or a lover, it is strongly indicative of a.s.suming the mastery; but should she have no courage or muscular strength, and pays no attention to the art of governing and guiding her cattle, it is plain that she will become no driver, no whip, and may daily run the risk of breaking the necks of herself and friends.

If however she should excel in this study, she immediately becomes masculine and severe, and she punishes, when occasion requires, every animal within the reach of her lash--acquires an ungraceful att.i.tude and manner--heats her complexion by over exertion--sacrifices her softness to accomplish her intentions--runs a risk of having hard hands, and perhaps a hard heart: at all events she gains unfeminine habits, and ~223~~such as are found very difficult to get rid of, and prides herself on being the go, the gaze, the gape, the stare of all who see her."

"A very admirable, and no doubt equally happy state," quoth Bob, half interrupting him.

"If she learn the art of driving from the family coachman, it cannot be doubted but such tuition is more than likely to give her additional grace, and to teach her all that is polite; and then the pleasure of such company whilst superintending her studies, must tend to improve her mind; the freedom of these teachers of coachmans.h.i.+p, and the language peculiar to themselves, at first perhaps not altogether agreeable, is gradually worn away by the pride of becoming an accomplished whip--to know how to _turn a corner in style--tickle Snarler in the ear--cut up the yelper--take out a fly's eye in bang-up twig_."

"Excellent! indeed," cried Bob, charmed with Dashall's irony, and willing to provoke it farther; "and pray, when this art of driving is thoroughly learned, what does it tend to but a waste of time, a masculine enjoyment, and a loss of feminine character--of that sweet, soft and overpowering submission to and reliance on the other s.e.x, which, whilst it demands our protection and a.s.sistance, arouses our dearest sympathies--our best interests--attaches, enraptures, and subdues us?"

"Nonsense," continued Tom, "you might ask such questions for a month--who cares about these submissions and reliances--protections and sympathies--they are not known, at least it is very unfas.h.i.+onable to acknowledge their existence. Why I have known ladies so infatuated and affected by an inordinate love of charioteering, that it has completely altered them, not only as to dress, but manners and feeling, till at length they have become more at home in the stable than the drawing-room; and some, that are so different when dressed for dinner, that the driving habiliments appear like complete masquerade disguises.

Indeed, any thing that is natural is considered quite out of nature; and this affectation is not wholly confined to the higher circles, for in the City even the men and the women seem to have changed places.

"Man-milliners and mantua-makers swarm With clumsy hands to deck the female form-- With brawny limbs to fit fine ladies' shapes, Or measure out their ribbons, lace and tapes; Or their rude eye the bosom's swell surveys, To cut out corsets or to st.i.tch their stays; Or making essences and soft perfume, Or paint, to give the pallid cheek fresh bloom; Or with hot irons, combs, and frizzling skill, On ladies' heads their daily task fulfil; Or, deeply versed in culinary arts, Are kneading pasty, making pies and tarts; Or, clad in motley coat, the footman neat Is dangling after Miss with shuffling feet, Bearing in state to church her book of pray'r, Or the light pocket she disdains to wear;{1} Or in a parlour snug, 'the powdered lout The tea and bread and b.u.t.ter hands about.

Where are the women, whose less nervous hands Might fit these lighter tasks, which pride demands?

Some feel the scorn that poverty attends, Or pine in meek dependance on their friends; Some patient ply the needle day by day, Poor half-paid seamsters, wasting life away; Some drudge in menial, dirty, ceaseless toil, Bear market loads, or grovelling weed the soil; Some walk abroad, a nuisance where they go, And s.n.a.t.c.h from infamy the bread of woe."

"It is a strange sort of infatuation, this fas.h.i.+on," said Bob, "and it is much to be regretted it should operate so much to the injury of the fair--"

"Do you see that young man on the opposite side of the way,"inquired Dashall,(stopping him short) "in nankin breeches and jockey-boots?"

"I do," replied Tallyho; "and pray who is he?"

"The son of a wealthy Baronet who, with an eye to the main chance in early life, engaged in some mercantile speculations, which proving productive concerns, have elevated him to his present dignity, beyond which it is said he cannot go on account of his having once kept a shop.

This son is one of what may be termed the _Ciphers of society_, a sort of useful article, like an 0 in arithmetic, to denominate numbers; one of those characters, if character it may be termed, of which this Metropolis and its vicinity would furnish us with regiments. Indeed, the

1 It is related that a young lady of _haut ton_ in Paris was observed to have a tall fellow always following her wherever she went. Her grandmother one day asked her what occasion there was for that man to be always following her; to which she replied--"I must blow my nose, must not I, when I want?" This great genius was actually employed to carry her pocket-handkerchief. ~225~~general run of Fas.h.i.+onables are little better than Ciphers,--very necessary at times in the House

"----never ope Their mouths, but out there flies a trope."

In the twelve Judges it must be allowed there is no cipher, because they have two figures to support them; but take these two figures away, and the whole wit of mankind may be defied to patch up or recruit the number without having recourse to the race of Ciphers.

"I have known a Cipher make a profound Statesman and a Secretary--nay, an Amba.s.sador; but then it must be confess'd it has been by the timely and prudent application of proper supporters; and it is certain, that Ciphers have more than once shewn themselves significant in high posts and stations, and in more reigns than one. Bounteous nature indulges mankind in a boundless variety of characters as well as features, and has given Ciphers to make up numbers, and very often by such additions renders the few much more significant and conspicuous. The Church has its Ciphers--for a mitre looks as well on a round 0 as on any letter in the alphabet, ~226~~and the expense to the nation is equally the same; consequently, John Bull has no right to complain.

"See in Pomposo a polite divine, More gay than grave, not half so sound as fine; The ladies' parson, proudly skill'd is he, To 'tend their toilet and pour out their tea; Foremost to lead the dance, or patient sit To deal the cards out, or deal out small wit; Then oh! in public, what a perfect beau, So powder'd and so trimm'd for pulpit show; So well equipp'd to tickle ears polite With pretty little subjects, short and trite.

Well cull'd and garbled from the good old store Of polish'd sermons often preached before; With precious sc.r.a.ps from moral Shakespeare brought.

To fill up awkward vacancies of thought, Or shew how he the orator can play Whene'er he meets with some good thing to say, Or prove his taste correct, his memory strong, Nor let his fifteen minutes seem too long: His slumbering mind no knotty point pursues, Save when contending for his t.i.thes or dues."

Thus far, although it must be allowed that ciphers are of use, it is not every cipher that is truly useful. There are Ciphers of indolence, to which some mistaken men give the t.i.tle of men of fine parts--there are Ciphers of Self-interest, to which others more wrongfully give the name of Patriots--there are Baccha.n.a.lian Ciphers, who will not leave the bottle to save the nation, but will continue to guzzle till no one figure in Arithmetic is sufficient to support them--then there are Ciphers of Venus, who will abandon all state affairs to follow a Cyprian, even at the risk of injuring a deserving wife--Military Ciphers, who forsake the pursuit of glory, and distrustful of their own merit or courage, affirm their distrust by a sedulous attendance at the levees of men of power. In short, every man, in my humble opinion, is no other than a Cipher who does not apply his talents to the care of his morals and the benefit of his country."

"You have been ciphering for some time," said Boh, "and I suppose you have now finished your sum."

"I confess," continued Tom, "it has been a puzzling one--for, to make something out of nothing is impossible."

"Not in all cases," said Bob.

"How so?--why you have proved it by your own shewing, that these nothings are to be made something of."

~227~~"I perceive," replied Tom, "that your acquaintance with Sparkle is not thrown away upon you; and it argues well, for if you are so ready a pupil at imbibing his lessons, you will soon become a proficient in London manners and conversation; but a Cipher is like a _round robin_,{1} it has neither beginning nor end: its centre is vacancy, its circle ambiguity, and it stands for nothing, unless in certain connections."

They were now proceeding gently along Oxford Street, in pursuit of their way to Soho Square, and met with little worthy of note or remark until they arrived near the end of Newman Street, where a number of workmen were digging up the earth for the purpose of making new-drains. The pathway was railed from the road by scaffolding poles strongly driven into the ground, and securely tied together to prevent interruption from the pa.s.sengers.--Tom was remarking upon the hardihood and utility of the labourers at the moment when a fountain of water was issuing from a broken pipe, which arose as high as a two pair of stairs window, a circ.u.mstance which quickly drew a number of spectators around, and, among the rest, Tom and his Cousin could not resist an inclination to spend a few minutes in viewing the proceedings.

The Irish _jontlemen_, who made two or three ineffectual attempts to stop the breach, alternately got soused by the increased violence of the water, and at every attempt were saluted by the loud laughter of the surrounding mult.i.tude.

To feelings naturally warm and irritable, these vociferations of amus.e.m.e.nt and delight at their defeat, served but to exasperate and enrage; and the Irishmen in strong terms expressed their indignation at the merriment which their abortive attempts appeared to excite: at length, one of the _Paddies_ having cut a piece of wood, as he conceived, sufficient to stop the effusion of water, with some degree of adroitness thrust his arm into the foaming fluid, and for a moment appeared to have arrested its progress.

"_Blood-an-owns!_ Murphy," cried he, "scoop away the water, and be after handing over the mallet this way." In a moment the spades of his comrades were seen in

1 Round Rubin--A Letter or Billet, so composed as to have the signatures of many persons in a circle, in order that the reader may not be able to discover which of the party signed first or last.

~228~~action to accomplish his instructions, while one, who was not in a humour to hear the taunts of the crowd, very politely scoop'd the water with his hands among the spectators, which created a general desire to avoid his liberal and plentiful besprinklings, and at the same time considerable confusion among men, women, and children, who, in effecting their escape, were seen tumbling and rolling over each other in all directions.

"Be off wid you all, and be d----d to you," said the Hibernian; while those who were fortunate enough to escape the cooling fluid he was so indifferently dispensing, laughed heartily at their less favoured companions.

Bob was for moving onward.

"Hold," said Dash all, "it is two to one but you will see some fun here."

He had scarcely said the word, when a brawny Porter in a fustian jacket, with his knot slung across his shoulder, manifested dislike to the manner in which the Irish _jontleman_ was pursuing his amus.e.m.e.nt.

"D----n your Irish eyes," said he, "don't throw your water here, or I'll lend you my _bunch of fives_." {l}

"Be after being off, there," replied Pat; and, without hesitation, continued his employment.

The Porter was resolute, and upon receiving an additional salute, jumped over the railings, and re-saluted poor Pat with a _muzzier_,{2} which drew his claret in a moment. The Irishman endeavoured to rally, while the crowd cheered the Porter and hooted the Labourer. This was the signal for hostilities. The man who had plugg'd up the broken pipe let go his hold, and the fountain was playing away as briskly as ever--all was confusion, and the neighbourhood in alarm. The workmen, with spades and pick-axes, gathered round their comrade, and there was reason to apprehend serious mischief would occur; one of them hit the Porter with his spade, and several others were prepared to follow his example; while a second, who seem'd a little more blood-thirsty than the rest, raised his pickaxe in a menacing att.i.tude; upon perceiving which, Dashall jump'd over the rail and

1 Bunch of fives--A flash term for the fist, frequently made use of among the lads of the Fancy, who address each other some-times in a friendly way, with--Ha, Bill, how goes it?-- tip us your bunch of fives, my boy.

2 Muzzier--A blow on the mouth.

~229~~arrested his arm, or, if the blow had been struck, murder must have ensued. In the mean time, several other persons, following Tom's example, had disarmed the remainder. A fellow-labourer, who had been engaged at a short distance, from the immediate scene of action, attacked the man who had raised the pickaxe, between whom a pugilistic encounter took place, the former swearing, 'By Jasus, they were a set of cowardly rascals, and deserved _quilting_.'{1} The water was flowing copiously--shovels, pickaxes, barrows, lanterns and other implements were strewed around them--the crowd increased--Tom left the combatants (when he conceived no real danger of unfair advantage being taken was to be apprehended) to enjoy their rolling in the mud; while the Porter, who had escaped the vengeance of his opponents, was explaining to those around him, and expostulating with the first aggressor, upon the impropriety of his conduct. The shouts of the mult.i.tude at the courageous proceedings of the Porter, and the hootings at the shameful and cowardly manner of defence pursued by the Labourers, roused the blood of the Irishmen, and one again seized a spade to attack a Coal-heaver who espoused the cause of the Porter--a disposition was again manifested to cut down any one who dared to entertain opinions opposite to their own--immediately a shower of mud and stones was directed towards him--the spade was taken away, and the Irishmen armed themselves in a similar way with the largest stones they could find suitable for throwing. In this state of things, the houses and the windows in the neighbourhood were threatened with serious damage. The crowd retreated hallooing, shouting, hissing, and groaning; and in this part of the affray Bob got himself well bespattered with mud. Tom again interfered, and after a few minutes, persuaded the mult.i.tude to desist, and the Irishmen to drop their weapons. The Porter made his escape, and the men resumed their work; but, upon Dashall's return to the

1 Quilting--To quilt a person among the knowing Covies, is to give another a good thras.h.i.+ng; probably, this originated in the idea of warming--as a quilt is a warm companion, so a set-to is equally productive of heat; whether the allusion holds good with respect to comfort, must be left to the decision of those who try it on, (which is to make any attempt or essay where success is doubtful.)

~230~~spot where he had left Tallyho, the latter was not to be found; he was however quickly relieved from suspense.

"Sir," said a stout man, "the neighbourhood is greatly indebted to your exertions in suppressing a riot from which much mischief was to be apprehended--your friend is close at hand, if you will step this way, you will find him--he is getting his coat brushed at my house, and has sustained no injury."