Chapter 19
"Has it? You said--you said that w-what I did to you was n-not as terrible as what I d-did to myself."
"That is true," he admitted grimly.
"Well, then, may I ask my question?"
"Ask it, child."
"Then--are you happy?"
He did not answer.
"--Because I desire it, Philip. I want you to be. You will be, won't you? I did not dream that I was ruining your army career when I--went mad--"
"How did it happen, Alixe?" he asked, with a cold curiosity that chilled her. "How did it come about?--wretched as we seemed to be together--unhappy, incapable of understanding each other--"
"Phil! There _were_ days--"
He raised his eyes.
"You speak only of the unhappy ones," she said; "but there were moments--"
"Yes; I know it. And so I ask you, _why_?"
"Phil, I don't know. There was that last bitter quarrel--the night you left for Leyte after the dance.... I--it all grew suddenly intolerable. _You_ seemed so horribly unreal--everything seemed unreal in that ghastly city--you, I, our marriage of crazy impulse--the people, the sunlight, the deathly odours, the torturing, endless creak of the punkha.... It was not a question of--of love, of anger, of hate. I tell you I was stunned--I had no emotions concerning you or myself--after that last scene--only a stupefied, blind necessity to get away; a groping instinct to move toward home--to make my way home and be rid for ever of the dream that drugged me!... And then--and then--"
"_He_ came," said Selwyn very quietly. "Go on."
But she had nothing more to say.
"Alixe!"
She shook her head, closing her eyes.
"Little girl!--oh, little girl!" he said softly, the old familiar phrase finding its own way to his lips--and she trembled slightly; "was there no other way but that? Had marriage made the
"Phil, I helped to make it a h.e.l.l."
"Yes--because I was pitiably inadequate to design anything better for us. I didn't know how. I didn't understand. I, the architect of our future--failed."
"It was worse than that, Phil; we"--she looked blindly at him--"we had yet to learn what love might be. We did not know.... If we could have waited--only waited!--perhaps--because there _were_ moments--" She flushed crimson.
"I could not make you love me," he repeated; "I did not know how."
"Because you yourself had not learned how. But--at times--now looking back to it--I think--I think we were very near to it--at moments....
And then that dreadful dream closed down on us again.... And then--the end."
"If you could have held out," he breathed; "if I could have helped! It was I who failed you after all!"
For a long while they sat in silence; Mrs. Ruthven's white furs now covered her face. At last the carriage stopped.
As he sprang to the curb he became aware of another vehicle standing in front of the house--a cab--from which Mrs. Ruthven's maid descended.
"What is she doing here?" he asked, turning in astonishment to Mrs.
Ruthven.
"Phil," she said in a low voice, "I knew you had taken this place.
Gerald told me. Forgive me--but when I saw you under the awning it came to me in a flash what to do. And I've done it.... Are you sorry?"
"No.... Did Gerald tell you that I had taken this place?"
"Yes; I asked him."
Selwyn looked at her gravely; and she looked him very steadily in the eyes.
"Before I go--may I say one more word?" he asked gently.
"Yes--if you please. Is it about Gerald?"
"Yes. Don't let him gamble.... You saw the signature on that check?"
"Yes, Phil."
"Then you understand. Don't let him do it again."
"No. And--Phil?"
"What?"
"That check is--is deposited to your credit--with the rest. I have never dreamed of using it." Her cheeks were afire again, but with shame this time.
"You will have to accept it, Alixe."
"I cannot."
"You must! Don't you see you will affront Gerald? He has repaid me; that check is not mine, nor is it his."
"I can't take it," she said with a shudder. "What shall I do with it?"
"There are ways--hospitals, if you care to.... Good-night, child."
She stretched out her gloved arm to him; he took her hand very gently and retained it while he spoke.
"I wish you happiness," he said; "I ask your forgiveness."
"Give me mine, then."
"Yes--if there is anything to forgive. Good-night."