Chapter 47
The donier had not talked about preventing life from getting started, and Ayla very much wanted to talk to her about that and perhaps compare notes. Ayla had been midwife at several births. It suddenly occurred to her that she would soon be giving birth herself again. Yes, Zelandoni was right. Pain was a part of living. She had endured great pain in giving birth to Durc, she had almost died, but like the Mother's great s.h.i.+ning son, he had been worth it.
"There is more than physical pain in life," Zelandoni was saying. Ayla turned her attention back to the woman. "Some pain is worse than physical, but you must accept that, too. As a woman, you have a great responsibility, and a duty that may at times be difficult, but one that you may have to consider someday. There are times when the life you carry is very tenacious. When nothing is able to prevent the pregnancy from progressing, even though you may have decided the life should not have begun. It is always more difficult after the child is born to return it to the Mother, but there are times when it must be done.
"Remember, the ones who are already here must come first. If a second one is born too soon, or is greatly malformed, or other valid reasons, the infant should be returned to Doni. It is the mother's choice, always, but you must remember your responsibility, and it must be done quickly. As soon as you are able, you must take it outside and lay it on the breast of the Great Earth Mother, as far away as possible from your home, and never near a sacred burial ground or a wandering spirit may try to inhabit the body. Then the spirit will he-come confused and not be able to find its way to the next world. Such spirits can become evil. Is there anyone here who does not understand exactly what I just said?" This was always a very difficult moment in the pre-mating meeting, and Zelandoni allowed some time for the young women to comprehend the harsh revelation, but they had to understand it and accept it.
No one spoke. The young women had heard rumors and talked among themselves about the distressing duty they might be called upon to perform someday, but this was the first time it had been brought up to them directly. Each young woman there hoped fervently that they would never have to expose a baby to the cold breast of the Great Earth Mother to die. It was a somber thought.
A few of the older women sat tight-lipped with pain in their eyes because theirs had been that awful duty to preserve the life of one by giving up another. Though it was still not an easy decision, most women would far rather end a pregnancy early than lose a child to whom she had given birth, or worse, to have to do it herself.
Zelandoni's comments devastated Ayla. She would never be able to, she thought. Memories of Durc flooded back. He was supposed to have been exposed, and she had no say in it. She recalled with anguish the days spent hiding in the little cave to save his life. They had said he was deformed. But he wasn't. He was just a mixture, of her and Broud, although Broud was the first to condemn him. If Broud had known every time he forced me that Durc would be the result, Ayla thought, he would never have done it! Ayla was tempted to ask why life was not prevented from starting in the first place, but she didn't trust herself to speak.
Marthona was puzzled by the obvious distress Ayla was feeling. True, it was not an easy thought to bear, but Ayla's coming baby had little likelihood of having to be given back to the Mother. Maybe it's just that she's pregnant, she thought. She must be very sensitive.
There was not much more information to impart. Prohibitions on sharing the Gift of Pleasure when a woman was close to delivery, for a certain period of time afterward, and before, during, or after certain ceremonies. Other duties of a mated woman, the times when it was necessary to fast, other times when certain foods were not to be eaten.
There were also bans against mating with certain people, such as close cousins. Jondalar had explained about close cousins, and when it was mentioned, she had glanced at Joplaya in the un.o.btrusive, all but unseen way of Clan women. She knew the reason for the aura of sadness that shrouded the beautiful young woman. But she'd heard several people mention kins.h.i.+p signs since they arrived at the Summer Meeting, and she didn't know what they were talking about. What did it mean to have an incompatible kins.h.i.+p sign? The other women knew all about bans and prohibitions, and she didn't want to say anything in front of them. She decided to wait until most people left before she asked her question.
"There is one other thing," the First said, concluding. "Some of you may have already heard that a request was received to delay the Matrimonial a few days." There was a moan of regret from a few of the women. "Dalanar and his Cave of Lanzadonii planned to come to the Zelandonii Summer Meeting so the daughter of his mate could be mated at our First Matrimonial." There was whispering and murmuring from the a.s.sembly. "You may be pleased to know that no delay will be necessary. Joplaya is here with her mother, Jerika. Joplaya and Echozar will be mated with the rest of you.
"Remember everything that was spoken of here. It is important. The beginning hunt of this Summer Meeting will start tomorrow morning, and if all goes well, the Matrimonial will follow soon after. I will see you all then," said the One Who Was First.
As the meeting was breaking up, Ayla heard the word "flathead" a few times and "abomination" at least once. It did not please her, but it was obvious that many were eager to leave and tell someone else about the fact that Joplaya was promised to the half-flathead man Echozar.
Many of the women remembered him. He had come to their Summer Meeting once before, the last time that the Lanzadonii came. Marthona remembered that there had been some unpleasantness concerning Echozar and his mixed spirits at that meeting and she hoped it would not come up again. It reminded her of the other Summer Meeting that was unpleasant for her, the one that Jondalar had missed when he went on his Journey with his brother and left Marona waiting for a Matrimonial partner that did not arrive. She did mate that summer, at the Second Matrimonial, just before they went home, but it didn't last. Now, Marona was again available, but Jondalar had brought a woman home with him, a woman that was far better suited to her son for all her foreign ways, if only because she genuinely cared for him and he loved her.
Zelandoni had a pa.s.sing thought of forbidding the women from talking about anything that was said at the meeting, but she knew there was no way to enforce such an edict. It was just too juicy a piece of news to expect people to keep it to themselves. The First noticed that Ayla and those with her did not seem to be in a hurry and were perhaps waiting to talk to her. She was still Zelandoni of the Ninth Cave. When nearly everyone except the zelandonia was gone, Ayla approached her.
"I have something I'd like to ask you, Zelandoni," she said.
"All right," the woman said.
"You were talking about certain bans and prohibitions, people that you could or could not mate. I know that someone can't mate a 'close cousin.' Jondalar told me that Joplaya is his close cousin-sometimes he says hearth cousin-because they were both born to the hearth of the same man," Ayla said. She avoided looking at Joplaya, but Marthona and Jerika glanced at each other.
"That's correct," Zelandoni of the Ninth said.
"Just since we arrived at the Summer Meeting, I've been hearing people talk about something else. You did, too. You said a person shouldn't mate someone with an incompatible kins.h.i.+p sign. What is a kins.h.i.+p sign?" Ayla asked.
The other zelandonia had listened for a while, but when it appeared that Ayla was just asking for information, they began talking quietly amongst themselves or going to their personal s.p.a.ce within the lodge.
"That is a little more difficult to explain," Zelandoni said. "A person is born with a kins.h.i.+p sign. In a way, it's part of one's elan, one's life-force. People know their kins.h.i.+p signs almost from the time they are born, just as they know their elandon. Remember, ail animals are children of the Mother. She birthed them, too, as it says in the Mother's Song: With a thunderous roar Her stones split asunder, And from the great cave that opened deep under.
She birthed once again from Her cavernous room, And brought forth the Children of Earth from Her womb.
'From the Mother forlorn, more children were born.
'Each child was different, some were large and some small, Some could walk and some fly some could swim and some crawl.
But each form was perfect, each spirit complete, Each one was a model whose shape could repeat.
'The Mother was willing The green earth was filling.'
"The kins.h.i.+p sign is symbolized by an animal, by the spirit of an animal," Zelandoni said.
"You mean like a totem?" Ayla interjected. "My totem is the Cave Lion. Everyone in the Clan has a totem."
"Perhaps," the First said, considering thoughtfully for a moment. "But I think totems are something else. Not everybody has one, for one thing. They are important, but they are not quite as important as an elan, for example, though it is true that one must go through some trial or struggle to gain a totem. Usually you are chosen by a totem, but everyone has a kins.h.i.+p sign, and many people have the same sign. A totem can be any animal spirit, a cave lion, a golden eagle, a gra.s.shopper, but certain animals have a kind of power. Their spirits have a force of a certain kind, like a life-force, but it's different. The zelandonia call them power animals, but they have more force in the next world than in this one. Sometimes we can draw upon that force for protection when we travel in the spirit world, or to cause certain things to happen," the One Who Was First said.
Ayla was frowning with concentration, trying to remember something. "The Mamut did that!" she said. "I remember at a ceremony, he made strange things happen. I think he took a piece of the spirit world and brought it into this one, but he had to fight to control it."
Zelandoni's expression showed her surprise and admiration. "I think I would have liked to know your Mamut," she said, then she continued. "Most people don't think too much about their kins.h.i.+p signs, except when they are thinking about mating. One should not mate with someone whose kins.h.i.+p sign is in opposition to theirs, which is probably why it's brought up more at Summer Meetings, where matings are planned and mating ceremonies, Matrimonials, take place. That's why the common name for one's power animal is a kins.h.i.+p sign. The name is misleading, but it's how most people think of it, because they don't deal with the spirit world, and the only time it has a bearing on their lives is when planning to mate."
"No one has asked me about kins.h.i.+p signs," Ayla said.
"It only has meaning for one who was born a Zelandonii. Those who are born elsewhere may have kins.h.i.+p signs or power animals, but they don't affiliate with Zelandonii power animals, as a rule. Once a person becomes a Zelandonii, a kins.h.i.+p sign may a.s.sert itself, but it will never be one that is in opposition to the mate she already has. The power animal of her mate won't let it."
Marthona, Jerika, and Joplaya were listening just as intently. Jerika had not been born Zelandonii, and she was curious about the customs and beliefs of her mate. "We are Lanzadonii, not Zelandonii. Does that mean if a Lanzadonii wants to mate with a Zelandonii, the kins.h.i.+p signs don't matter?"
"In time, they may not, but many of you, including Dalanar, were born Zelandonii. The ties are still close, so they do have to be considered," the First said.
"I was never a Zelandonii, but I am now Lanzadonii. So is Joplaya. Since Echozar was not born to either one, it doesn't matter, but doesn't a daughter get her kins.h.i.+p sign from her mother? What is Joplaya's kins.h.i.+p sign?" Jerika asked.
"Usually a daughter has the same kins.h.i.+p sign as her mother, but not always. I understand that you have requested a Zelandoni to move to your Cave and become your first Lanzadoni. I think it will be a wonderful opportunity for someone. Whoever it is will be well trained-I plan to make sure of that-and will be able to discover the kins.h.i.+p signs for all your people," the donier said.
"What is Jondalar's kins.h.i.+p sign, and how can
"If you want to find out, we can look into it. Jondalar's power animal is a horse, like Marthona, but though he has the same mother, Joharran's is different. His is a bison. Bison and horses are in opposition," Zelandoni said.
"But Jondalar and Joharran don't oppose each other. They get along well," Ayla said with a frown.
The big woman smiled. "For mating, Ayla. They are opposing kins.h.i.+p signs."
"Oh. I guess they're not likely to mate," she said, and smiled, too. "You said they are power animals. Since my totem is the Cave Lion, do you think that would be my power animal? He is powerful, and his spirit has protected me before."
"Things are different in the spirit world," the First said. "Power means different things. Meat-eaters are powerful, but they tend to keep to themselves, either alone or in small packs, and other animals stay away from them. When you enter the spirit world, it is usually because you need to learn something, to find something out. The animal that can reach farther, that has access to, maybe I should say that can communicate with, many other animals, has more power, or more useful power. It depends what you go there for. Sometimes you do want to seek out meat-eating animals because of their special qualities."
"Why are a bison and a horse opposing kins.h.i.+p signs?" Ayla asked.
"Probably because in this world they tend to cover the same ground at different times, so there is some overlap, some compet.i.tion for food. Aurochs, on the other hand, eat the tender new greens, or just the green tops of the gra.s.ses, leaving behind the stalks and roughage, which horses seem to prefer, so they are compatible. The two most opposing power animals are bison and aurochs, but when you think about it, it is logical. Most plant-eaters tolerate each other, but bison and aurochs can't stand to be in the same meadow. They avoid each other and have been known to fight, especially when females come into the season of their Pleasures. They are too similar. Aurochs bulls are affected when they smell a bison female in heat, and bison bulls will occasionally go after a female aurochs. Someone with an aurochs kins.h.i.+p sign should never mate someone with a bison sign," Zelandoni said.
"What is your power animal, Zelandoni?" Ayla asked.
"You should almost be able to guess," the woman said, smiling. "I am a mammoth when I go into the spirit world. When you go, Ayla, you will not look the same as you do here. You will go as your power animal. That's when you will find out what it is."
Ayla wasn't sure she liked hearing Zelandoni talking about her going into the spirit world, but Marthona wondered why Zelandoni was being so forthcoming. She didn't usually go into such detailed and in-depth answers. Jondalar's mother had the distinct sense that Zelandoni was trying to tempt Ayla, to entice her with fascinating bits of knowledge that were available only to those in the zelandonia.
Then she understood. Ayla was already considered by most people to be some kind of zelandoni, and the First wanted her on the inside where she could exercise some control, not out of her reach where she could create problems. But Ayla had already declared that she wanted only to get mated and have children and be like everyone else. She didn't want to join the zelandonia, and knowing her son, Marthona realized that he wouldn't particularly want her to be zelandoni, either. But he did have a tendency to be attracted to women who were. It was going to be an interesting game to watch.
They were getting ready to go, but as they were leaving, Ayla turned back. "I have another question," she said. "When you were talking about babies, and causing miscarriages to end an unwanted pregnancy, why did you not say something about preventing the life from starting in the first place?"
"There is no way. Only Doni has the power to begin life, and only She can prevent it from starting," Zelandoni of the Fourteenth said. She had been standing nearby, listening to the conversation.
"But there is!" Ayla said.
29.
The First gave the young woman a sharp look. Perhaps she should have spoken with Ayla earlier, in more depth. Was it possible she knew of a way to thwart the will of Doni? This was the wrong way to bring it up, but it was too late now. The zelandonia who were standing nearby were talking loudly and gesticulating among themselves, some were just as agitated as the Fourteenth. A few were saying it was wrong. The rest were coming back to the central area to find out what was going on. Ayla didn't know her statement would cause such a stir.
The three women with her were standing back and watching. Marthona looked on with sardonic amus.e.m.e.nt, though her expression remained neutral. Joplaya was astounded that the esteemed zelandonia could quarrel so ardently, but was just as shocked as they were. Jerika listened with great interest, but she had already decided to speak with Ayla in private. Her announcement to the zelandonia could be the solution to a serious problem that had been worrying the woman for some time.
When she first met him, Jerika had fallen completely and irrevocably in love with the handsome giant of a man who was so charmed by the exquisitely dainty yet fiercely independent young woman. He was a gentle man and consummate lover in spite of his size, and she reveled in their Pleasures. When he asked her to be his mate, she accepted without hesitation, and when she discovered that she was pregnant, she was delighted. But the baby she carried was too big for her tiny frame, and the delivery nearly killed her and her daughter. It damaged her internally, and she never became pregnant again, much to her regret, and relief.
Now her daughter had chosen a man who was, though not as tall, if anything more robust, with powerful muscles and huge bones. Though Joplaya was tall, she was thin and rather delicate with, Jerika had carefully noticed, narrow hips. From the time she realized who her daughter would probably end up choosing, and therefore be the one whose spirit would most likely be chosen by the Mother to start any children she might have, she worried that Joplaya would suffer her fate, or worse. She suspected that Joplaya was already pregnant, since she had started having violent bouts of morning sickness on the trip, but she refused her mother's suggestion to end the pregnancy.
Jerika knew there was nothing she could do about it. It was the Great Mother's decision. Joplaya would be Blessed or not, when She wished, and live or the at Her discretion, but Jerika suspected that with the man Joplaya had chosen, the chances were that her daughter would the young and painfully in childbirth, if not with the first, then later, with another one. Her only hope was that her daughter would live through this first one and, like herself, as painful as it was, be damaged so badly that she would never be able to get pregnant again...until she heard Ayla say that she knew how to prevent life from starting. She immediately decided that if her daughter had as much trouble as she did and managed to live through the birth of her first, to save her life, she would make sure Joplaya would not get pregnant again.
"Quiet, please," the One Who Was First said. The noise finally settled down. "Ayla, I want to make sure I understand you. Are you saying you know how to stop a pregnancy before it starts? That you know how to prevent life from beginning?" she asked.
"Yes. I thought you would know, too. I was using certain plants on my Journey from the east with Jondalar. i did not want to have a baby while we were traveling, I had no one to help me," she said.
"You told me that you were already Blessed by Doni. You said it has been three moons since your last bleeding. You were still traveling then," the donier said.
"I'm almost certain this baby was started after we crossed the glacier," Ayla said. "We brought only enough of the Losadunai burning stones to melt ice for water to drink for the horses and Wolf and the two of us. I did not even try to boil water for tea and did not prepare my usual morning drink. It was a very difficult crossing, and we almost didn't make it. When we reached this side and got down off the ice, we stayed and rested for a while, and I didn't bother to make the preparation. By that time, it didn't matter if life started. We were almost here. I was happy when I realized I was pregnant."
"Where did you learn about this medicine?" Zelandoni asked.
"From Iza, the medicine woman who raised me."
"How did she say it worked?" Zelandoni of the Fourteenth asked.
The First looked at her, trying to contain her annoyance. She was asking questions in a logical sequence. She didn't need help or interference, but Ayla answered anyway.
"The Clan believes that the spirit of a man's totem fights the spirit of a woman's totem, and that is why she bleeds. When the man's totem is stronger than a woman's, it defeats hers and begins the new life. Iza told me that certain plants could make a woman's totem strong and help her totem spirit fight off the man's," she explained.
"Primitive, but I'm surprised they have ideas about it at all," the Fourteenth said, and got a hard stare from the First.
Ayla heard the disdain in her tone and was glad now that she hadn't said anything earlier about a man starting a baby inside a woman. She didn't think it was a blending of spirits by Doni any more than it was a defeated totem, but she thought the Fourteenth or someone else would probably find her thoughts more worthy of criticism than consideration.
"You said you used the plants on your Journey. What made you think the medicine would work?" the First asked, taking control of the questions again.
"Men of the Clan put great value on the children of their mates, particularly if they are boys. When their mate has a child, it adds to their prestige. They believe it shows the vigor of their totem, which is in a sense their inner strength. Iza told me she used the plants herself for many years to keep from getting pregnant because she wanted to bring disgrace upon her mate. He was a cruel man who beat her to show his authority over a medicine woman of her rank, so she decided to show that his totem spirit wasn't strong enough to defeat hers," Ayla said'
"Why would she put up with such behavior?" the Fourteenth interjected again. "Why didn't she just sever the knot and find another mate?"
"Women of the Clan have no choice in whom they mate. It is decided by the leader and the other men," Ayla explained.
"No choice!" the Fourteenth sputtered.
"Under the circ.u.mstances, I'd say it showed a great deal of subtle intelligence on the part of the woman, what was her name, Iza?" the First said quickly, before the Fourteenth could b.u.t.t in and ask another question. "Do all the women of the Clan know about these plants?"
"No, only medicine women, and I think this preparation was known only to women of Iza's line, but she gave the preparation to some of the other women if she thought they needed it. I don't know if she told them what it was, though. If any of the men had found out, they would have been very angry, but no one would ask Iza. A medicine woman's knowledge is not for men to know. It is pa.s.sed down to her daughters, who would become medicine women themselves, if they showed the inclination. Iza thought of me as her daughter," Ayla said.
"I am very surprised at the sophistication of their medicine," Zelandoni said, knowing she was speaking for many of the others.
"Mamut of the Lion Camp understood how effective their medicine was. He went on a Journey when he was young, and broke his arm, quite badly. He stumbled into the cave of a clan, and the medicine woman there set his arm and nursed him back to health. We both believed it was the same clan as the one I lived with. The woman who healed him was Iza's grandmother."
There was total silence in the tent when Ayla finished. What she said was very difficult to believe. The zelandonia of the nearby Caves had heard Joharran and Jondalar talk to people about the flatheads, whom Ayla said called themselves the Clan, and were people, not animals. There had been much discussion about it the next few days, but most dismissed the idea. Flatheads might be a little more clever than most people thought, perhaps, but hardly human. Now this woman was saying that they had healed a man of the Mamutoi and had thought about how life began. She even implied that their medicinal practices might be more advanced than those of the Zelandonii.
The zelandonia started discussing these issues again, and the commotion inside the tent could be heard outside. The male zelandonia who had been guarding the women's meeting were dying of curiosity to find out what was causing the uproar, but were waiting to be invited back in. They knew there were still a few women inside, but it was most unusual for a women's meeting to become so heated.
The First had heard Ayla speak in depth of the Clan before and was quicker to grasp the implications and to extend them. She was now persuaded that they were people, and believed it was important for the Zelandonii to understand the possible consequences, but even she had not realized how advanced they were. Zelandoni had presumed a simpler, more primitive way of life and believed that their medicine was at a similar level. She felt that Ayla had gained some good basic instruction that she could develop. This called for a reevaluation.
Their own Histories harked back to a time when the Zelandonii lived a simpler life, but their comprehension of vegetable foods and medicines had been more advanced than other kinds of knowledge. She suspected that awareness of plants was older, went back further. If the Clan was as ancient as Ayla seemed to think, it was not beyond the realm of possibility that their knowledge could be quite developed. Especially if it was true, as Ayla had indicated, that they had some kind of special memory they could draw on. Zelandoni wished that she had spoken with Ayla before it was brought up to the zelandonia, but perhaps it was best this way. It might take just such a shock to make the zelandonia realize the full impact that the people Ayla knew as the Clan could have on them.
"Let's be quiet, please," Zelandoni said, trying to settle them down again. When order was finally restored, she made an announcement. "It appears that Ayla has brought us some information that may be very useful. The Mamutoi were very perceptive when they adopted her to the hearth of the Mammoth, which was, in effect, the same as being adopted by the zelandonia. We will speak with her in some depth later and explore the extent of her knowledge. If she does in truth know of ways to prevent the start of life, this could be a great benefit, and we should be grateful to have it."
"I should tell you that it doesn't always work," Ayla interjected. "Iza's mate died when an earthquake collapsed their cave, but she was pregnant when she found me. Her daughter, Uba, was born not long after. But Iza could count twenty years by then, very old for a woman of the Clan to have a first child. Their girls become women at eight or nine years. But the medicine worked for her for many years, and it worked for me for most of my Journey."
"Very little of the knowledge of medicine or healing is absolutely certain," Zelandoni said. "In the end, it is still the Great Mother who decides."
Jondalar was glad to see the women returning. He had been waiting for Ayla. He had stayed at their camp with Wolf when Dalanar went to the main camp with Joharran and had promised that he would meet them as soon as Ayla returned. Marthona had told Folara to have some hot tea and a little food ready for them, and invited Jerika and Joplaya to their lodge. Marthona and Jerika talked about mutual friends and relations, and Folara started telling Joplaya about some activities the younger people were planning.
Ayla joined them for a while, but after the rather contentious ending to the meeting in the zelandonia lodge, she felt a need to go off by herself. Saying that she wanted to check on the horses, she picked up her haversack and left with Wolf. She walked upstream along the creek, visited with the horses for a while, then continued on until she came to the pool. She was tempted to go for a swim, but decided to keep on walking instead. She proceeded along a newly developing path, and when she found herself near the new cave, she realized that she had gone the way that Jondalar and the others had come before.
As she approached the small hill that held the cave, she could see the mouth clearly and noticed that the obstructing brush had been cleared away. Dirt and stones around the opening had also been removed, which enlarged the entrance. It was likely that nearly every one of the people at the Summer Meeting of Zelandonii had been inside the new cave at least once by now, but there was little evidence to show for the visits. Because it was so beautiful, and so unusual with its nearly white stone walls, it was considered a very sacred place and rather inviolable. The zelandonia and Cave leaders were still getting accustomed to it, working out the appropriate times and ways to use it. Traditions hadn't been developed yet, it was too new.
The spot where she had made a small fire to light torches and left charcoal remains had become a fireplace with stones encircling it and a few partially burned torches nearby. She removed her fire-making kit from her pack, quickly kindled a fire and lit one of the torches, then walked to the entrance of the cave.
Holding the torch high, she stepped inside the dark s.p.a.ce. The sunlight coming in through the entrance lit the soft dirt floor of the sloping entry corridor, which had acquired an acc.u.mulation of footprints of all sizes, both bare and in footwear. She saw an imprint of a long, narrow bare foot, probably of a tall man, another of average size and slightly wider, the foot of either a grown woman or a growing boy. There was the sole of a sandal woven of gra.s.s or reeds, near it the blurred outline of a leather moccasin, then a line of the widely s.p.a.ced, rather unsteady, tiny footprints of a toddler just learning to walk. On top of them was the pawprint of a wolf. Ayla wondered what a tracker, unaware of the animal that walked ahead of her into the cave, would make of that.
She felt the air become cool and damp and the s.p.a.ce darken as she proceeded underground. The cave did not require feats of agility to get into, at least to the large main room. This was a cave that whole families would use, but not as a living s.p.a.ce. Underground caves were too dark and damp to live in, especially when the region was full of shelters open to daylight with level floors and overhanging stone ledges above to protect them from rain and snow. And this cave was so beautiful, it felt like a special sanctuary, an extraordinary entrance to the womb of the Mother.
She and Wolf walked along the left side of the large room with the white walls, then she went into the narrow gallery at the back with the walls that widened out as they rose and came together in the curved white ceiling. She stepped down into the widened area around the round column, which came down from the roof but didn't reach the floor. She was beginning to feel cold and reached into her pack to take out the soft leather hide of a giant deer and put it around her shoulders. It was from the deer that she had brought down with her spear-thrower before the bison hunt that killed Shevonar. So much had happened since then, it felt as though it was long ago. But it wasn't, she thought.
She walked to the end of the narrow corridor after it turned around the hanging pier, then came back and sat down. She liked the roominess of the s.p.a.ce. Wolf came and rubbed his head against her free hand. "I think you want some attention," she said, s.h.i.+fting her torch to her left hand and scratching behind his ears. When he left to explore again, her mind wandered back to the meeting earlier with the other women who were going to be mated and the zelandonia, and the discussions after most of the other women left.
She thought about kins.h.i.+p signs and remembered that Marthona's was the horse and wondered what hers was. She found it interesting that in the spirit world horses and aurochs and bison were power animals that were more important than wolves or cave lions, or probably cave bears. It was a place where things were reversed, backward, maybe inside out, or upside down. As she sat there a feeling started to come over her, a feeling that she'd had before. She didn't like it and tried to fight it, but she had no control over it. She seemed to be remembering something, remembering her dreams, but it was more than memory and more than dreamlike, it was as though she were reliving her dreams and memories, with a vague sense of remembering things that hadn't happened.
She felt an anxious worry, she had done something wrong, and drained the liquid left in the bowl. She followed flickering lights through a long endless cave, then bathed in firelight she saw the mog-urs. She felt sickened and petrified with fear, she was falling into a black abyss. Suddenly Creb was helping her, supporting her, easing her fears. Creb was wise and kind. He understood the spirit world.
The scene changed With a tawny flash, the feline sprang for the aurochs and wrestled the huge reddish-brown wild cow, bawling in terror, to the ground. Ayla gasped and tried to squeeze herself into the solid rock of the tiny cave. A cave lion roared, and a gigantic paw with claws outstretched reached in and raked her left thigh with four parallel gashes.
"Your totem is the Cave Lion," the old Mog-ur said It changed again. The line of fires showing the way down the corridor of a long, winding cave cast light upon beautiful draped and flowing formations. She saw one that resembled the long flowing tail of a horse. It turned into a dun-yellow mare who flowed into the herd She nickered and swished her dark tail, seeming to beckon. Ayla looked to see where she was going and was startled to see Creb stepping out of the shadows. He motioned her on, urging her to hurry. She heard a horse whinny The herd was galloping away toward the edge of the cliff. She was in a panic, ran after them. Her stomach churned into a knot of fear. She heard the sound of a horse screaming as it was falling over the edge, tumbling end over end, upside down.