Chapter 16
Shall I tell you how?
She herself makes her own faces, And each morning wears a new one!
_Where's the wonder now_?"
CCLx.x.xVIII.--BRIGHT AND SHARP.
A LITTLE boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years, and _vice versa_. "What a _very sensible boy_, sir, must _you_ have been!" returned the child.
CCLx.x.xIX.--A WOODMAN.
A YOUNG man, boasting of his health and const.i.tutional stamina, was asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. "To laying in a good foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great _deal_ every morning."--"Then I presume, sir, you usually breakfast in a _timber-yard_," was the rejoinder.
CCXC.--HUMAN HAPPINESS.
A CAPTAIN in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth, boasted that he had left his whole s.h.i.+p's company the _happiest_ fellows in the world. "How so?" asked his friend. "Why, I have just flogged seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy that they have escaped."
CCXCI.--MEASURE FOR MEASURE.
A FELLOW stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes: his servant, not finding them, began to curse the thief. "Never mind," said his lords.h.i.+p, "all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may _fit him_!"
CCXCII.--A DESERVED RETORT.
A SPENDTHRIFT, who had nearly wasted all his patrimony, seeing an acquaintance in a coat not of the newest cut, told him that he thought it had been his great-grandfather's coat. "So it was," said the gentleman, "and I have also my great-grandfather's _lands_, which is more than you can say."
CCXCIII.--A POETICAL SHAPE.
WHEN Mr. Pope once dined at Lord Chesterfield's, some one observed that he should have known Pope was a great poet by his very shape; for it was _in and out_, like the lines of _a Pindaric ode_.
CCXCIV.--A COMMON CASE.
A SAILOR meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a little, asked him where he lived? "Where I _live_," said he, "I don't know; but I _starve_ towards Wapping, and that way."
CCXCV.--EPIGRAM.
YOU beat your pate, and fancy wit will come: Knock as
CCXCVI.--TOO COLD TO CHANGE.
A LADY reproving a gentleman during a hard frost for swearing, advised him to leave it off, saying it was a very bad habit. "Very true, madam,"
answered he, "but at present it is too cold to think of parting with any _habit_, be it ever so bad."
CCXCVII.--SEALING AN OATH.
"Do you," said f.a.n.n.y, t' other day, "In earnest love me as you say; Or are those tender words applied Alike to fifty girls beside?"
"Dear, cruel girl," cried I, "forbear, For by those eyes,--those _lips_ I swear!"
She stopped me as the oath I took, And cried, "You've sworn,--_now kiss the book_."
CCXCVIII.--A NEAT QUOTATION.
LORD NORBURY asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause, was told that Mr. Serjeant _Joy_, who was to lead, was absent, but Mr.
_Hope_, the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately. His lords.h.i.+p humorously repeated the well-known lines:--
"_Hope_ told a flattering tale, That _Joy_ would soon return."
CCXCIX.--GOOD SPORT.
A GENTLEMAN on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before breakfast. "Thirty-three _hairs_!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "zounds, sir!
then you must have been firing at a _wig_."
CCC.--AN UNRE-HEa.r.s.eD EFFECT.
A n.o.bLE lord, not over courageous, was once so far engaged in an affair of honor, as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel. But just as he arrived at the Porter's Lodge, an empty _hea.r.s.e_ came by; on which his lords.h.i.+p's antagonist called out to the driver, "Stop here, my good fellow, a few minutes, and I'll send _you a fare_." This operated so strongly on his lords.h.i.+p's nerves, that he begged his opponent's pardon, and returned home in a whole skin.
CCCI.--A GOOD SERVANT.
"I CAN'T conceive," said one n.o.bleman to another, "how it is that you manage. Though your estate is less than mine, I could not afford to live at the rate you do."--"My lord," said the other, "I have a place."--"A place? you amaze me, I never heard of it till now,--pray what place?"--"_I am my own steward_."
CCCII.--BALANCING ACCOUNTS.
THEOPHILUS CIBBER, who was very extravagant, one day asked his father for a hundred pounds. "Zounds, sir," said Colly, "can't you live upon your salary? When I was your age, I never spent a farthing of my father's money."--"But you have spent a great deal of _my father's_,"
replied Theophilus. This retort had the desired effect.
CCCIII.--A NOVELTY.
A PERSON was boasting that he had never spoken the truth. "Then," added another, "you have _now_ done it for the first time."
CCCIV.--SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING.
A LADY asked a very silly Scotch n.o.bleman, how it happened that the Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of more abilities than those who remained at home. "O madam," said he, "the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to examine all who pa.s.s, that, for the honor of the country, no one be permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding."--"Then," said she, "I suppose your lords.h.i.+p was _smuggled_."
CCCV.--BRUTAL AFFECTIONS.