Chapter 61
starring Fred Handy who will sleep like a mother stone log for seven hundred years right before your perspiring eyes, at $2.25 / $4.25 / and $6.25 for Center Aisle Orchestra Seats.
The shower did little to restore my sanity.
I decided to call Julie.
I checked her itinerary-which I'd blackmailed out of her agent-and found that h.e.l.lo, Dolly! was playing Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I dialed the O-lady and told her all kindsa stuff. After a while she got into conversations with various kindly folks in the state of Pennsylvania, who confided in her, strictly entre-nous, that my Lady of the moist thighs, the fair Julie Glynn, nee Rowena Glyckmeier, was out onna town somewheres, and O-lady 212 in Hollywood would stay right there tippy-tap up against the phone all night if need be, just to bring us two fine examples of Young American Love together, whenever.
As I racked the receiver, just as suddenly as I'd gotten into the mood, all good humor and fancy footwork deserted me. I realized I was sadder than I'd been in years. What the h.e.l.l was happening? Why this feeling of utter depression; why this sense of impending disaster?
Then the phone rang, and it was Arthur, and he told me what had happened at the Studio. I couldn't stop shuddering.
He also told me there was an opening at the Coconut Grove that night, and he thought Valerie might like to attend. He had already called the star-it was Bobby Vinton, or Sergio Franchi, or Wayne Newton, or someone in that league-and there would be an announcement from the stage that Valerie Lone was in the audience, and a spontaneous standing ovation. I couldn't stop shuddering.
He suggested I get in touch with Romito and set up a date. Help wash away the stain of that afternoon. Then he told me the name of the extra who had insulted Valerie Lone-he must have been reading it off a piece of paper, he spoke the name with a flatness like the striking a trajectory of a cobra- and suggested I compile a brief dossier on the gentleman. I had the distinct impression Arthur Crewes could be as vicious an enemy as he was cuddly a friend. The blond beach-b.u.m would probably find it very hard getting work in films from this point on, though it was no longer the antediluvian era in which a Cohen or a Mayer or a Skouras could kill a career with a couple of phone calls. I couldn't stop shuddering.
Then I called Emery Romito and advised him he was to pick up Valerie Lone at six-thirty at the Beverly Hills. Tuxedo. He fumphuh'd and I knew he didn't have the price of a rental tux. So I called Wardrobe at the Studio and told them to send someone out to Santa Monica... and to dress him au courant, not in the wing-collar style of the Twenties, which is what I continued to shudder at in my mind.
Then I went back and took another shower. A hot shower. It was getting chilly in my body.
I heard the phone ringing through the pounding noise of the shower spray, and got to the instrument as my party was hanging up. There was a trail of monster wet footprints all across the living room behind me, vanis.h.i.+ng into the bedroom and thence the bath, from whence I had comce.
"Yeah, who?" I yelled.
"Fred? Spencer."
A pungent footnote on being depressed. When you have just received word from the IRS that an audit of your returns will be necessary for the years 1956-66 in an attempt to pinpoint the necessity for a $13,000 per year entertainment exemption; when the ASPCA rings you up and asks you to come down and identify a body in their cold room, and they're describing your pet ba.s.set hound as he would look had he been through a McCormick reaper; when your wife, from whom you are separated, and whom you screwed last month only by chance when you took over her separation payment, calls and tells you she is with child-yours; when World War Nine breaks out and they are napalming your patio; when you've got the worst summer cold of your life, the left-hand corner of your mouth is cracked and chapped, your prostate is acting up again and oozing s.h.i.+ny drops of a hideous green substance; when all of this links into one gigantic chain of horror threatening to send you raving in the direction of Joe Pyne or Lawrence Welk, then, and only then, do agents named Spencer Lichtman call.
It is not a nice thing.
New horrors! I moaned silently. New horrors!
"Hey, you there, Fred?"
"I died."
"Listen, I want to talk on you."
"Spencer, please. I want to sleep for seven hundred years."
"It's the middle of a highly productive day."
"I've produced three asps, a groundhog and a vat of stale eels. Let me sleep, perchance to dream."
"I want to talk about Valerie Lone."
"Come over to the apartment." I hung up.
The wolf pack was starting to move in. I called Crewes. He was in conference. I said break in. Roz said f.u.c.koff. I thanked her politely and retraced my monster wet footprints to the shower. Cold shower. Cold, hot, cold: if my moods continued to fluctuate, it was going to be double pneumonia time. (I might have called it my manic-depressive phase, except my moods kept going from depressive to depressiver. With not a manic in sight.) Wearing a thick black plastic weight-reducing belt-compartments filled with sand-guaranteed to take five pounds of unsightly slob off my drooling gut-and a terry cloth wraparound, I built myself an iced tea in the kitchen. There were no ice cubes. I had a bachelor's icebox: a jar of maraschino cherries, an opened package of Philadelphia cream cheese with fungus growing on it, two tv dinners-Hawaiian shrimp and Salisbury steak-and a tin of condensed milk. If Julie didn't start marrying me or mothering me, it was certain I would be found starved dead, lying in a comer, clutching an empty carton of Ritz crackers, some fateful morning when they came to find out why I hadn't paid the rent in a month or two.
I went out onto the terrace of the lanai apartments, overlooking the hysterectomy-shaped swimming pool used for the 1928 Lilliputian Olympics. There were two slim-thighed creatures named Janice and Pegeen lounging near the edge. Pegeen had an aluminum reflector up to her chin, making sure no slightest inch of epidermis escaped UV scorching. Janice was on her stomach, oiled like the inside of a reservoir-tip condom. "Hey!" I yelled. "How're you fixed for ice cubes?" Janice turned over, letting her copy of Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet fall flat, and shaded her eyes toward me.
"Oh, hi, Fred. Go help yourself."
I waved thanks and walked down the line to their apartment. The door was
"Ginchy," I called back, and went into my apartment.
Warm iced tea is an ugly.
I heard Spencer down below, shucking the two pairs of slim thighs. I waited a full sixty-count, hoping he would pa.s.s, just once. At sixty, I went to the door and yowled. "Up here, Spencer."
"Be right there, Fred," he called over his shoulder, his moist eyeb.a.l.l.s fastened like snails to Pegeen's bikini.
"The specialist tells me I've only got twenty minutes to live, Spencer. Get your a.s.s up here."
He murmured something devilishly clever to the girls, who regarded his retreating back with looks that compared it unfavorably to a haunch of tainted venison. Spencer mounted the stairs two at a time, puffing hideously, trying desperately to do a Steve McQueen for the girls.
"Hey, buhbie." He extended his hand as he came through the door.
"My colostomy bag just burst but otherwise I'm lousy."
Spencer Lichtman had been selected by the monthly newsletter and puff-sheet of the Sahara Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada, U.S.A., in their August 1966 mailing, as Mr. Charm. They noted that he was charming whether he won or lost at the tables, and they quoted him as saying, after picking up eleven hundred dollars at c.r.a.ps, "It's only money." The newsletter thought that was mighty white of Spencer Lichtman. The newsletter also thought it was historically clever of him to have said it, and only avoided adding their usual editorial (Ha! Ha! Isn't old Spencer a wow!) with a non-Vegas reserve totally out of character for the "editor," a former junior ad exec well into hock to the management of the hotel, working it off by editing the puff-sheet in a style charitably referred to as Hand-Me-Down Mark h.e.l.linger.
Spencer Lichtman was, to me, one of the great losers of all time, eleven hundred Vegan jellybeans notwithstanding. That he was a brilliant agent cannot be denied. But he did it despite himself, dear G.o.d let me have it pegged correctly otherwise my entire world-view is a.s.s-backwards, not because of himself.
He was a tall, broad-shouldered, well-fried, blue-eyed specimen, handsomely coc.o.o.ned within a Harry Cherry suit. Light-blue b.u.t.ton-down s.h.i.+rts (no high-rise collars for Spencer, he knew his neck was too thick for them), black knee-length socks, highly polished black loafers, diminutive cuff links, and a paisley hankie in the breast pocket. He might have sprung full-blown like Adolph Menjou from the forehead of Gentleman's Quarterly.
Then tell me this: if Spencer Lichtman was good-looking, mannerly, talented, in good taste, and successful, why the h.e.l.l did I know as sure as Burton made little green Elizabeths, that Spencer Lichtman was a b.u.mmer?
It defied a.n.a.lysis.
So I shook hands with him.
"Jesus, it's hot," he wheezed, falling onto the sofa, elegantly. Even collapsing, he had panache. "Can I impose on you for something cold?"
"I'm out of ice cubes."
"Oh."
"My neighbors are out of ice cubes, too."
"Those were your neighbors-"
"Right. Out there. The girls."
"Nice neighbors."
"Yeah. But they're still out of ice cubes."
"So I suppose we'd better talk. Then we can go over to the Luau and get something cold."
I didn't bother telling him I'd rather undergo intensive Hong Kong acupuncture treatments with needles in my cheeks, than go to the Luau for a drink. The cream of the Hollywood and Beverly Hills show biz set always made the Luau in the afternoons, hustling secretaries from the talent agencies who were, in actuality, the daughters of Beverly Hills merchants, the daughters of Hollywood actors, the daughters of Los Angeles society, the daughters of delight. The cream.
That is the stuff that floats to the top, isn't it? Cream?
No, Spencer, I am not going with you to the Luau so you can hustle for me, and get me bedded down with one of your puffball-haired steno-typists, thereby giving you an edge on me for future dealings. No, indeed not, Spencer, my lad. I am going to pa.s.s on all those fine trim young legs exposed beneath entirely too inflammatory minis. I am probably going to go into the bedroom after you've gone and play with myself, but it is a far far better thing I do than to let you get your perfectly white capped molars into me.
"You talk, Spencer. I'll listen." I sat down on the floor. "That's what I call cooperation."
He wanted desperately to undo his tie. But that would have been non-Agency. "I was talking to some of the people at the office..."
Translation: I read in the trades that Crewes has found this alta-c.o.c.kuh, this old hag Valerie Whatshername, and at the snake-pit session this morning I suggested to Morrie and Lew and Marty that I take a crack at maybe we should rep her, there might be a dime or a dollar or both in it, so what are the chances?
I stared at him with an expression like Raggedy Andy.
"And, uh, we felt it would be highly prestigious for the Agency to represent Valerie Lone..."
Translation: At least we can clip ten percent off of this deal with Crewes, and she ought to be good for a second deal with him at the Studio, and if anything at all happens with her, there're two or three short-line deals we can make, maybe at American-International for one of those Baby Jane/Lady in a Cage horrorifics; s.h.i.+t, she'd sit still for any kind of star billing, even in a screamer like that. Play her right, and we can make thirty, forty grand before she falls in her traces.
I segued smoothly from Raggedy Andy into Lenny: Of Mice and Men. Except I didn't dribble.
"I think we can really move Valerie, in the field of features. And, of course, there's a lot of television open to her..."
Translation: We'll book the old broad into a guest shot on every nitwit series shooting now for a September air-date. Guest cameos are perfect for a warhorse like her. It's like every a.s.shole in America had a private tube to the freak show. Come and see the Ice Age return! Witness the resurrection of Piltdown Woman! See the resurgence of Miss Ankle-Strap Wedgie! Gape and drool at the unburied dead! She'll play dance hall madams on Cimarron Strip and aging actresses on Petticoat Junction; she'll play a frontier matriarch on The Big Valley and the mother of a kidnapped child on Felony Squad. A grand per day, at first, till the novelty wears off. We'll book her five or six deep till they get the word around. Then we'll make trick deals with the network for multiples. There's a potload in this.
Lenny slowly vanished to be replaced by Huck Finn.
"Well, say something, Fred! What do you think?"
Huck Finn vanished and in his stead Spencer Lichtman was staring down at Captain America, bearing his red-white-and-blue s.h.i.+eld, decked out in his patriotic uniform with the wings on the cowl, with the steely gaze and the outthrust chin of the defender of widows and orphans.
Captain America said, softly, "You'll take five percent commission and I'll make sure she signs with you."
"Ten, Fred. You know that's standard. We can't-"
"Five." Captain America wasn't f.u.c.king around.
"Eight. Maybe I can swing eight. Morrie and Lew-"
Captain America s.h.i.+fted his star-studded s.h.i.+eld up his arm and pulled his gauntlet tighter. "I'll be fair. Six."
Lichtman stood up, started toward the door, whirled on Captain America. "She's got to have representation, Handy. Lots of it. You know it. I know it. Name me three times you know of, when an agent took less than ten? We're working at twelve and even thirteen on some clients. This is a chancy thing. She might go, she might not. We're willing to gamble. You're making it lousy for both of us. I came to you because I know you can handle it. But we haven't even talked about your percentage."
Captain America's jaw muscles jumped. The inference that he could be bought was disgusting. He breathed the sweet breath of patriotic fervor and answered Spencer Lichtman-alias the Red Skull- with the tone he deserved. "No kickback for me, Spencer. Straight six."
Lichtman's expression was one of surprise. But in a moment he had it figured out, in whatever form his cynicism and familiarity with the hunting habits of the scene allowed him best and most easily to rationalize. There was an angle in it for me, he was sure of that. It was a sneaky angle, it had to be, because he couldn't find a trace of it, which meant it was subtler than most. On that level he was able to talk to me. Not to Captain America, never to old Cap; because Lichtman couldn't conceive of a purely altruistic act, old Spence couldn't. So there was a finagle here somewhere; he didn't know just where, but as thief to thief, he was delighted with the dealing.
"Seven."
"Okay."
"I should have stuck with eight."
"You wouldn't have made a deal if you had."
"You're sure she'll sign?"
"You sure you'll work your a.s.s off for her, and keep the leeches away from her, and give her a straight accounting of earnings, and try to build the career and not just run it into the ground for a fast buck?"
"You know I-"
"You know I, baby! I have an eye on you. Arthur Crewes will have an eye on you. And if you f.u.c.k around with her, and louse her up, and then drop her, both Arthur and myself will do some very heavy talking with several of your clients who are currently under contract to Arthur, such as Steve and Raquel and Julie and don't you forget it."
"What's in this for you, Handy?"
"I've got the detergent concession."
"And I thought I was coming up here to hustle you."
"There's only one reason you're getting the contract, Spencer. She needs an agent, you're as honest as most of them-excluding Hal and Billy-and I believe you believe she can be moved."
"I do."
"I figured it like that."
"I'll set up a meet with Morrie and Lew and Marty. Early next week."
"Fine. Her schedule's pretty tight now. She starts rehearsals with the new scene day after tomorrow."
Spencer Lichtman adjusted his tie, smoothed his hair, and pulled down his suit jacket in the back. He extended his hand. "Pleasure doing business, Fred."
I shook once again. "Dandy, Spencer."
Then he smirked, suggesting broadly that he knew I must have a boondoggle only slightly smaller than the Teapot Dome going. And, so help me G.o.d, he winked. Conspiratorially.
Tonstant weader fwowed up.
When he left, I called Arthur, and told him what I'd done, and why. He approved, and said he had to get back to some work on his desk. I started to hang up, but heard his voice faintly, calling me back. I put the receiver up to my ear and said, "Something else, Arthur?"
There was a pause, then he said, gently, "You're a good guy, Fred." I mumbled something and racked it.
And sat there for twenty minutes, silently arguing with Raggedy Andy, Lenny, Huck and old Captain America. They thought I was a good guy, too. And I kept trying to get them to tell me where the sleazy angle might be, so I could stop feeling so disgustingly humanitarian.
Have you ever tried to pull on a turtleneck over a halo?