Chapter 99
If any one anything lacks, He'll find it all ready in stacks, If he'll only look in On the resident Djinn, Number seventy, Simmery Axe!
He can raise you hosts Of ghosts, And that without reflectors; And creepy things With wings, And gaunt and grisly spectres.
He can fill you crowds Of shrouds, And horrify you vastly; He can rack your brains With chains, And gibberings grim and ghastly.
And then, if you plan it, he Changes organity, With an urbanity, Full of Satanity, Vexes humanity With an inanity Fatal to vanity-- Driving your foes to the verge of insanity!
Barring tautology, In demonology, 'Lectro-biology, Mystic nosology, Spirit philology, High-cla.s.s astrology, Such is his knowledge, he Isn't the man to require an apology!
Oh!
My name is John Wellington Wells, I'm a dealer in magic and spells, In blessings and curses And ever-filled purses, In prophecies, witches, and knells.
If any one anything lacks, He'll find it all ready in stacks, If he'll only look in On the resident Djinn, Number seventy, Simmery Axe!
ALEXIS I have sent for you to consult you on a very important matter. I believe you advertise a Patent Oxy-Hydrogen Love-at-first-sight Philtre?
WELLS Sir, it is our leading article. (Producing a phial.) ALEXIS Now I want to know if you can confidently guarantee it as possessing all the qualities you claim for it in your advertis.e.m.e.nt?
WELLS Sir, we are not in the habit of puffing our goods.
Ours is an old-established house with a large family connection, and every a.s.surance held out in the advertis.e.m.e.nt is fully realized. (Hurt) ALINE (aside) Oh, Alexis, don't offend him! He'll change us into something dreadful--I know he will!
ALEXIS I am anxious from purely philanthropical motives to distribute this philtre, secretly, among the inhabitants of this village. I shall of course require a quant.i.ty. How do you sell it?
WELLS In buying a quant.i.ty, sir, we should strongly advise your taking it in the wood, and drawing it off as you happen to want it. We have it in four-and-a-half and nine gallon casks--also in pipes and hogsheads for laying down, and we deduct 10 per cent from prompt cash.
ALEXIS I should mention that I am a Member of the Army and
Navy Stores.
WELLS In that case we deduct 25 percent.
ALEXIS Aline, the villagers will a.s.semble
ALINE But, Alexis-- ALEXIS My dear, you must obey me, if you please. Go and fetch the teapot.
ALINE (going) I'm sure Dr. Daly would disapprove of it!
(Exit Aline.) ALEXIS And how soon does it take effect?
WELLS In twelve hours. Whoever drinks of it loses consciousness for that period, and on waking falls in love, as a matter of course, with the first lady he meets who has also tasted it, and his affection is at once returned. One trial will prove the fact.
Enter Aline with large tea-pot
ALEXIS Good: then, Mr. Wells, I shall feel obliged if you will at once pour as much philtre into this teapot as will suffice to affect the whole village.
ALINE But bless me, Alexis, many of the villages are married people!
WELLS Madam, this philtre is compounded on the strictest principles. On married people it has no effect whatever. But are you quite sure that you have nerve enough to carry you through the fearful ordeal?
ALEXIS In the good cause I fear nothing.
WELLS Very good, then, we will proceed at once to the Incantation.
The stage grows dark.
INCANTATION
WELLS. Sprites of earth and air-- Fiends of flame and fire-- Demon souls, Come here in shoals, This dreaded deed inspire!
Appear, appear, appear.
MALE VOICES. Good master, we are here!
WELLS. Noisome hags of night-- Imps of deadly shade-- Pallid ghosts, Arise in hosts, And lend me all your aid.
Appear, appear, appear!
FEMALE VOICES. Good master, we are here!
ALEXIS. (aside) Hark, they a.s.semble, These fiends of the night!
ALINE. (aside) Oh Alexis, I tremble, Seek safety in flight!
ARIA - ALINE
Let us fly to a far-off land, Where peace and plenty dwell-- Where the sigh of the silver strand Is echoed in every sh.e.l.l To the joy that land will give, On the wings of Love we'll fly; In innocence, there to live-- In innocence there to die!
CHORUS OF SPIRITS.
Too late--too late It may not be!
That happy fate Is not for (me/thee)!
ALEXIS, ALINE, and MR. W.
Too late--too late, That may not be!
That happy fate, Is not for thee!
MR. WELLS
Now shrivelled hags, with poison bags, Discharge your loathsome loads!
Spit flame and fire, unholy choir!
Belch forth your venom, toads!
Ye demons fell, with yelp and yell, Shed curses far afield-- Ye fiends of night, your filthy blight In noisome plenty yield!
WELLS (pouring phial into tea-pot--flash) Number One!
CHORUS It is done!
WELLS (same business) Number Two! (flash) CHORUS One too few!
WELLS Number Three! (flash) CHORUS Set us free!
Set us free-our work is done Ha! ha! ha!
Set us free--our course is run!
Ha! ha! ha!
ALINE AND ALEXIS (aside)
Let us fly to a far-off land, Where peace and plenty dwell-- Where the sigh of the silver strand Is echoed in every sh.e.l.l.
CHORUS OF FIENDS.
Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
(Stage grows light. Mr. Wells beckons villagers. Enter villagers and all the dramatis personae, dancing joyously. Mrs. Partlet and Mr. Wells then distribute tea-cups.)
CHORUS.
Now to the banquet we press; Now for the eggs, the ham; Now for the mustard and cress, Now for the strawberry jam!
Now for the tea of our host, Now for the rollicking bun, Now for the m.u.f.fin and toast, Now for the gay Sally Lunn!