Chapter 50
Ko-Ko Pooh-Bah Pish-Tush
My brain it teams I am so proud, I heard one day With endless schemes If I allowed A gentleman say Both good and new My family pride That criminals who For t.i.tipu; To be my guide, Are cut in two But if I flit, I'd volunteer Can hardly feel The benefit To quit this sphere The fatal steel, That I'd diffuse Instead of you And so are slain The town would lose! In a minute or two, Without much pain.
Now every man But family pride If this is true, To aid his clan Must be denied, It's jolly for you; Should plot and plan And set aside, Your courage screw As best he can, And mortified. To bid us adieu, And so, And so, And go Although Although And show I'm ready to go, I wish to go, Both friend and foe Yet recollect And greatly pine How much you dare.
'Twere disrespect To brightly s.h.i.+ne, I'm quite aware Did I neglect And take the line It's your affair, To thus effect Of a hero fine, Yet I declare This aim direct, With grief condign I'd take your share, So I object-- I must decline-- But I don't much care-- So I object-- I must decline-- I don't much care-- So I object-- I must decline-- I don't much care--
ALL. To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock, In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock, Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock, From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
[Exeunt Pooh.
and Pish.
KO. This is simply appalling! I, who allowed myself to be respited at the last moment, simply in order to benefit my native town, am now required to die within a month, and that by a man whom I have loaded with honours! Is this public grat.i.tude? Is this--- (Enter Nanki-Poo, with a rope in his hands.) Go away, sir! How dare you? Am I never to be permitted to soliloquize?
NANK. Oh, go on--don't mind me.
KO. What are you going to do with that rope?
NANK. I am about to terminate an unendurabIe existence.
KO. Terminate your existence? Oh, nonsense! What for?
NANK. Because you are going to marry the girl I adore.
KO. Nonsense, sir. I won't permit it. I am a humane man, and if you attempt anything of the kind I shall order your instant arrest. Come, sir, desist at once or I summon my guard.
NANK. That's absurd. If you attempt to raise an alarm, I instantly perform the Happy Despatch with this dagger.
KO. No, no, don't do that. This is horrible! (Suddenly.) Why, you cold-blooded scoundrel, are you aware that, in taking your life, you are committing a crime which--which--which is---- Oh! (Struck by an idea.) Subst.i.tute!
NANK. What's the matter?
KO. Is it absolutely certain that you are resolved to die?
NANK. Absolutely!
KO. Will nothing
NANK. Nothing.
KO. Threats, entreaties, prayers--all useless?
NANK. All! My mind is made up.
KO. Then, if you really mean what you say, and if you are absolutely resolved to die, and if nothing whatever will shake your determination--don't spoil yourself by committing suicide, but be beheaded handsomely at the hands of the Public Executioner!
NANK. I don't see how that would benefit me.
KO. You don't? Observe: you'll have a month to live, and you'll live like a fighting-c.o.c.k at my expense. When the day comes there'll be a grand public ceremonial--you'll be the central figure--no one will attempt to deprive you of that distinction. There'll be a procession--bands--dead march--bells tolling--all the girls in tears--Yum-Yum distracted--then, when it's all over, general rejoicings, and a display of fireworks in the evening. You won't see them, but they'll be there all the same.
NANK. Do you think Yum-Yum would really be distracted at my death?
KO. I am convinced of it. Bless you, she's the most tender-hearted little creature alive.
NANK. I should be sorry to cause her pain. Perhaps, after all, if I were to withdraw from j.a.pan, and travel in Europe for a couple of years, I might contrive to forget her.
KO. Oh, I don't think you could forget Yum-Yum so easily; and, after all, what is more miserable than a love-blighted life?
NANK. True.
KO. Life without Yum-Yum--why, it seems absurd!
NANK. And yet there are a good many people in the world who have to endure it.
KO. Poor devils, yes! You are quite right not to be of their number.
NANK. (suddenly). I won't be of their number!
KO. n.o.ble fellow!
NANK. I'll tell you how we'll manage it. Let me marry Yum-Yum to-morrow, and in a month you may behead me.
KO. No, no. I draw the line at Yum-Yum.
NANK. Very good. If you can draw the line, so can I.
(Preparing rope.) KO. Stop, stop--listen one moment--be reasonable. How can I consent to your marrying Yum-Yum if I'm going to marry her myself?
NANK. My good friend, she'll be a widow in a month, and you can marry her then.
KO. That's true, of course. I quite see that. But, dear me! my position during the next month will be most unpleasant--most unpleasant.
NANK. Not half so unpleasant as my position at the end of it.
KO. But--dear me!--well--I agree--after all, it's only putting off my wedding for a month. But you won't prejudice her against me, will you? You see, I've educated her to be my wife; she's been taught to regard me as a wise and good man. Now I shouldn't like her views on that point disturbed.
NANK. Trust me, she shall never learn the truth from me.
FINALE.
Enter Chorus, Pooh-Bah, and Pish-Tush.
CHORUS.
With aspect stern And gloomy stride, We come to learn How you decide.
Don't hesitate Your choice to name, A dreadful fate You'll suffer all the same.
POOH. To ask you what you mean to do we punctually appear.
KO. Congratulate me, gentlemen, I've found a Volunteer!
ALL. The j.a.panese equivalent for Hear, Hear, Hear!
KO. (presenting him). 'Tis Nanki-Poo!
ALL. Hail, Nanki-Poo!
KO. I think he'll do?
ALL. Yes, yes, he'll do!
KO. He yields his life if I'll Yum-Yum surrender.
Now I adore that girl with pa.s.sion tender, And could not yield her with a ready will, Or her allot, If I did not Adore myself with pa.s.sion tenderer still!
Enter Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing.
ALL. Ah, yes!
He loves himself with pa.s.sion tenderer still!
KO. (to Nanki-Poo). Take her--she's yours!
[Exit Ko-Ko
ENSEMBLE.
NANKI-POO. The threatened cloud has pa.s.sed away, YUM-YUM. And brightly s.h.i.+nes the dawning day; NANKI-POO. What though the night may come too soon, YUM-YUM. There's yet a month of afternoon!
NANKI-POO, POOH-BAH, YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, and PEEP-BO.
Then let the throng Our joy advance, With laughing song And merry dance,
CHORUS. With joyous shout and ringing cheer, Inaugurate our brief career!
PITTI-SING. A day, a week, a month, a year-- YUM. Or far or near, or far or near, POOH. Life's eventime comes much too soon, PITTI-SING. You'll live at least a honeymoon!
ALL. Then let the throng, etc.
CHORUS. With joyous shout, etc.
SOLO--POOH-BAH.
As in a month you've got to die, If Ko-Ko tells us true, 'Twere empty compliment to cry "Long life to Nanki-Poo!"
But as one month you have to live As fellow-citizen, This toast with three times three we'll give-- "Long life to you--till then!"