Chapter 26
PRINCE. Now take this Peer, for instance. What the deuce do you call him?
COST. Him? Oh, he's a swell--he's the Duke of Riviera.
PRINCE. Oh, he's a Duke, is he? Well, that's no reason why he should look so confoundedly haughty. (To n.o.ble.) Be affable, sir! (n.o.ble takes att.i.tude of affability.) That's better.
(Pa.s.sing to another.) Now, who's this with his moustache coming off?
COST. Vhy; you're Viscount Mentone, ain't you?
n.o.bLE. Blest if I know. (Turning up sword-belt.) It's wrote here--yes, Viscount Mentone.
COST. Then vhy don't you say so? 'Old yerself up--you ain't carryin' sandwich boards now. (Adjusts his moustache.) PRINCE. Now, once for all, you Peers--when His Highness arrives, don't stand like sticks, but appear to take an intelligent and sympathetic interest in what is going on. You needn't say anything, but let your gestures be in accordance with the spirit of the conversation. Now take the word from me.
Affability! (att.i.tude). Submission! (att.i.tude). Surprise!
(att.i.tude). Shame! (att.i.tude). Grief! (att.i.tude). Joy!
(att.i.tude). That's better! You can do it if you like!
PRINCESS. But, papa, where in the world is the Court?
There is positively no one here to receive us! I can't help feeling that Rudolph wants to get out of it because I'm poor.
He's a miserly little wretch--that's what he is.
PRINCE. Well, I shouldn't go so far as to say that. I should rather describe him as an enthusiastic collector of coins--of the realm--and we must not be too hard upon a numismatist if he feels a certain disinclination to part with some of his really very valuable specimens. It's a pretty hobby: I've often thought I should like to collect some coins myself.
PRINCESS. Papa, I'm sure there's some one behind that curtain. I saw it move!
PRINCE. Then no doubt they are coming. Now mind, you Peers--haughty affability combined with a sense of what is due to your exalted ranks, or I'll fine you half a franc each--upon my soul I will!
(Gong. The curtains fly back and the Court are discovered. They give a wild yell and rush on to the stage dancing wildly, with PRINCE, PRINCESS, and n.o.bles, who are taken by surprise at first, but eventually join in a reckless dance. At the end all fall down exhausted.)
LUD. There, what do you think of that? That's our official ceremonial for the reception of visitors of the very highest distinction.
PRINCE (puzzled). It's very quaint--very curious indeed.
Prettily footed, too. Prettily footed.
LUD. Would you like to see how we say "good-bye" to visitors of distinction? That ceremony is also performed with the foot.
PRINCE. Really, this tone--ah, but perhaps you have not completely grasped the situation?
LUD. Not altogether.
PRINCE. Ah, then I'll give you a lead over.
(Significantly:) I am the father of the Princess of Monte Carlo.
Doesn't that convey any idea to the Grand Ducal mind?
LUD. (stolidly). Nothing definite.
PRINCE (aside). H'm--very odd! Never mind--try again!
(Aloud.) This is the daughter of the Prince of Monte Carlo. Do you take?
LUD. (still puzzled). No--not yet. Go on--don't give it up--I dare say it will come presently.
PRINCE. Very odd--never mind--try again. (With sly significance.) Twenty years ago! Little doddle doddle! Two little doddle doddles! Happy father--hers and yours. Proud mother--yours and hers! Hah! Now you take? I see you do! I see you do!
LUD. Nothing is more annoying than to feel that you're not equal to the intellectual pressure of the conversation. I wish he'd say something intelligible.
PRINCE. You
LUD. (jumping at it). No, no. I grasp that--thank you very much. (Shaking hands with him.) No, I did not expect you!
PRINCE. I thought not. But ha! ha! at last I have escaped from my enforced restraint. (General movement of alarm.) (To crowd who are stealing off.) No, no--you misunderstand me. I mean I've paid my debts!
ALL. Oh! (They return.) PRINCESS (affectionately). But, my darling, I'm afraid that even now you don't quite realize who I am! (Embracing him.) BARONESS. Why, you forward little hussy, how dare you?
(Takes her away from LUDWIG.) LUD. You mustn't do that, my dear--never in the presence of the Grand d.u.c.h.ess, I beg!
PRINCESS (weeping). Oh, papa, he's got a Grand d.u.c.h.ess!
LUD. A Grand d.u.c.h.ess! My good girl, I've got three Grand d.u.c.h.esses!
PRINCESS. Well, I'm sure! Papa, let's go away--this is not a respectable Court.
PRINCE. All these Grand Dukes have their little fancies, my love. This potentate appears to be collecting wives. It's a pretty hobby--I should like to collect a few myself. This (admiring BARONESS) is a charming specimen--an antique, I should say--of the early Merovingian period, if I'm not mistaken; and here's another--a Scotch lady, I think (alluding to JULIA), and (alluding to LISA) a little one thrown in. Two half-quarterns and a makeweight! (To LUDWIG.) Have you such a thing as a catalogue of the Museum?
PRINCESS. But I cannot permit Rudolph to keep a museum-- LUD. Rudolph? Get along with you, I'm not Rudolph!
Rudolph died yesterday!
PRINCE and PRINCESS. What!
LUD. Quite suddenly--of--of--a cardiac affection.
PRINCE and PRINCESS. Of a cardiac affection!
LUD. Yes, a pack-of-cardiac affection. He fought a Statutory Duel with me and lost, and I took over all his engagements--including this imperfectly preserved old lady, to whom he has been engaged for the last three weeks.
PRINCESS. Three weeks! But I've been engaged to him for the last twenty years!
BARONESS, LISA, and JULIA. Twenty years!
PRINCE (aside). It's all right, my love--they can't get over that. (Aloud.) He's yours--take him, and hold him as tight as you can!
PRINCESS. My own! (Embracing LUDWIG.) LUD. Here's another!--the fourth in four-and-twenty hours!
Would anybody else like to marry me? You, ma'am--or you--anybody! I'm getting used to it!
BARONESS. But let me tell you, ma'am-- JULIA. Why, you impudent little hussy-- LISA. Oh, here's another--here's another! (Weeping.) PRINCESS. Poor ladies, I'm very sorry for you all; but, you see, I've a prior claim. Come, away we go--there's not a moment to be lost!
CHORUS (as they dance towards exit).
Away to the wedding we'll go To summon the charioteers, No kind of reluctance we show To embark on our married careers--
(At this moment RUDOLPH, ERNEST, and NOTARY appear.
All kneel in astonishment.)
RECITATIVE.
RUD., Ern., and NOT.
Forbear! This may not be!
Frustrated are your plans!
With paramount decree The Law forbids the banns!
ALL. The Law forbids the banns!
LUD. Not a bit of it! I've revived the law for another century!
RUD. You didn't revive it! You couldn't revive it!
You--you are an impostor, sir--a tuppenny rogue, sir! You--you never were, and in all human probability never will be--Grand Duke of Pfennig Anything!
ALL. What!!!
RUD. Never--never, never! (Aside.) Oh, my internal economy!
LUD. That's absurd, you know. I fought the Grand Duke.
He drew a King, and I drew an Ace. He perished in inconceivable agonies on the spot. Now, as that's settled, we'll go on with the wedding.
RUD. It--it isn't settled. You--you can't. I--I--(to NOTARY). Oh, tell him--tell him! I can't!
NOT. Well, the fact is, there's been a little mistake here.
On reference to the Act that regulates Statutory Duels, I find it is expressly laid down that the Ace shall count invariably as lowest!
ALL. As lowest!
RUD. (breathlessly). As lowest--lowest--lowest! So you're the ghoest--ghoest--ghoest! (Aside.) Oh, what is the matter with me inside here!
ERN. Well, Julia, as it seems that the law hasn't been revived--and as, consequently, I shall come to life in about three minutes--(consulting his watch)-- JULIA. My objection falls to the ground. (Resignedly.) Very well!
PRINCESS. And am I to understand that I was on the point of marrying a dead man without knowing it? (To RUDOLPH, who revives.) Oh, my love, what a narrow escape I've had!
RUD. Oh--you are the Princess of Monte Carlo, and you've turned up just in time! Well, you're an attractive little girl, you know, but you're as poor as a rat! (They retire up together.) LISA. That's all very well, but what is to become of me?
(To LUDWIG.) If you're a dead man--(Clock strikes three.) LUD. But I'm not. Time's up--the Act has expired--I've come to life--the parson is still in attendance, and we'll all be married directly.
ALL. Hurrah!
FINALE.
Happy couples, lightly treading, Castle chapel will be quite full!
Each shall have a pretty wedding, As, of course, is only rightful, Though the brides be fair or frightful.
Contradiction little dreading, This will be a day delightful-- Each shall have a pretty wedding!
Such a pretty, pretty wedding!
Such a pretty wedding!
(All dance off to get married as the curtain falls.)