Real Life In London

Real Life In London.

by Pierce Egan.

CHAPTER I

Triumphant returning at night with the spoil, Like Bacha.n.a.ls, shouting and gay: How sweet with a bottle and song to refresh, And lose the fatigues of the day.

With sport, wit, and wine, fickle fortune defy, Dull 'wisdom all happiness sours; Since Life is no more than a pa.s.sage at best, Let's strew the way over with flowers.

~1~~"THEY order these things better in London," replied the Hon. Tom Dashall, to an old weather-beaten sportsman, who would fain have made a convert of our London _Sprig of Fas.h.i.+on_ to the sports and delights of rural life. The party were regaling themselves after the dangers and fatigues of a very hard day's fox-chace; and, while the sparkling gla.s.s circulated, each, anxious to impress on the minds of the company the value of the exploits and amus.e.m.e.nts in which he felt most delight, became more animated and boisterous in his oratory--forgetting that excellent regulation which forms an article in some of the rules and orders of our "_Free and Easies_" in London, "that no more than three gentlemen shall be allowed to speak at the same time." The whole party, consisting of fourteen, like a pack in full cry, had, with the kind a.s.sistance of the "rosy G.o.d," become at the same moment most animated, not to say vociferous, orators. The young squire, Bob Tally ho, (as he was called) of Belville Hall, who had recently come into possession of this fine and extensive domain, was far from feeling indifferent to the pleasures of a sporting life, and, in the chace, had even acquired the reputation of being a "keen sportsman:" but the regular intercourse which took place between him and his cousin, the Hon. Tom Dashall, of Bond Street notoriety, had in ~2~~some measure led to an indecision of character, and often when perusing the lively and fascinating descriptions which the latter drew of the pa.s.sing scenes in the gay metropolis, Bob would break out into an involuntary exclamation of--"Curse me, but after all, this only is Real Life; "--while, for the moment, horses, dogs, and gun, with the whole paraphernalia of sporting, were annihilated. Indeed, to do justice to his elegant and highly-finished friend, these pictures were the production of a master-hand, and might have made a dangerous impression on minds more stoical and determined than that of Bob's. The opera, theatres, fas.h.i.+onable pursuits, characters, objects, &c. all became in succession the subjects of his pen; and if lively description, blended with irresistible humour and sarcastic wit, possessed any power of seduction, these certainly belonged to Bob's honourable friend and relative, as an epistolary correspondent. The following Stanzas were often recited by him with great feeling and animation:--

Parent of Pleasure and of many a groan, I should be loath to part with thee, I own, Dear Life!

To tell the truth, I'd rather lose a _wife_, Should Heav'n e'er deem me worthy of possessing That best, that most invaluable blessing.

I thank thee, that thou brought'st me into being; The things of this our world are well worth seeing; And let me add, moreover, well worth feeling; Then what the Devil would people have?

These gloomy hunters of the grave, For ever sighing, groaning, canting, kneeling.

Some wish they never had been born, how odd!

To see the handy works of G.o.d, In sun and moon, and starry sky; Though last, not least, to see sweet Woman's charms,-- Nay, more, to clasp them in our arms, And pour the soul in love's delicious sigh, Is well worth coming for, I'm sure, Supposing that thou gav'st us nothing more.

Yet, thus surrounded, Life, dear Life, I'm thine, And, could I always call thee mine, I would not quickly bid this world farewell; But whether here, or long or short my stay, I'll keep in mind for ev'ry day An old French motto, "_Vive la bagatelle!_"

Misfortunes are this lottery-world's sad blanks; Presents, in my opinion, not worth thanks.

The pleasures are the twenty thousand prizes, Which nothing but a _downright a.s.s_ despises.

It was not, however, the mere representations of Bob's friend, with which, (in consequence of the important result,) we commenced our chapter, that produced the powerful effect of fixing the wavering mind of Bob--No, it was the air--the manner--the _je ne sais quoi_, by which these representations were accompanied: the curled lip of contempt, and the eye, measuring as he spoke, from top to toe, his companions, with the cool elegant sang froid and self-possession displayed in his own person and manner, which became a _fiat_ with Bob, and which effected the object so long courted by his cousin.

After the manner of Yorick (though, by the bye, no sentimentalist) Bob thus reasoned with himself:--"If an acquaintance with London is to give a man these airs of superiority--this ascendancy--elegance of manners, and command of enjoyments--why, London for me; and if pleasure is the game in view, there will I instantly pursue the sport."

The song and toast, in unison with the sparkling gla.s.s, followed each other in rapid succession. During which, our elegant London visitor favoured the company with the following effusion, sung in a style equal to (though unaccompanied with the affected airs and self-importance of) a first-rate professor:--

SONG.

If to form and distinction, in town you would bow, Let appearance of wealth be your care: If your friends see you live, not a creature cares how, The question will only be, Where?

A circus, a polygon, crescent, or place, With ideas of magnificence tally; Squares are common, streets queer, but a lane's a disgrace; And we've no such thing as an alley.

A first floor's pretty well, and a parlour so so; But, pray, who can give themselves airs, Or mix with high folks, if so vulgarly low To live up in a two pair of stairs?

The garret, excuse me, I mean attic floor, (That's the name, and it's right you should know it,) Would he tenantless often; but genius will soar, And it does very well for a poet.

These amus.e.m.e.nts of the table were succeeded by a most stormy and lengthened debate, (to use a parliamentary phrase) during which, Bob's London friend had with daring heroism opposed the whole of the party, in supporting the superiority of Life in London over every pleasure the country could afford. After copious libations to Bacchus, whose influence at length effected what oratory had in vain essayed, and silenced these contending and jarring elements, "grey-eyed Morn" peeped intrusively amid the jovial crew, and Somnus, (with the cart before the horse) stepping softly on tip-toe after his companion, led, if not by, at least accompanied with, the music of the nose, each to his snoring pillow.

----"Glorious resolve!" exclaimed Tom, as soon as his friend had next morning intimated his intention,--"n.o.bly resolved indeed!--"What! shall he whom Nature has formed to s.h.i.+ne in the dance and sparkle in the ring--to fascinate the fair--lead and control the fas.h.i.+ons--attract the gaze and admiration of the surrounding crowd!--shall he pa.s.s a life, or rather a torpid existence, amid country b.u.mpkins and Johnny-raws? Forbid it all ye powers that rule with despotic sway where Life alone is to be found,--forbid it cards--dice--b.a.l.l.s--fas.h.i.+on, and ye gay et coteras,--forbid"----"Pon my soul," interrupted Bob, "you have frightened me to death! I thought you were beginning an Epic,--a thing I abominate of all others. I had rather at any time follow the pack on a foundered horse than read ten lines of Homer; so, my dear fellow, descend for G.o.d's sake from the Heroics."

Calmly let me, at least, begin Life's chapter, Not panting for a hurricane of rapture; Calm let me step--not riotous and jumping: With due decorum, let my heart Try to perform a sober part, Not at the ribs be ever b.u.mping--b.u.mping.

Rapture's a charger--often breaks his girt, Runs oft", and flings his rider in the dirt.

~5~~"However, it shall be so: adieu, my dear little roan filly,--Snow-ball, good by,--my new patent double-barrelled percussion--ah, I give you all up!--Order the tandem, my dear Tom, whenever you please; whisk me up to the fairy scenes you have so often and admirably described; and, above all things, take me as an humble and docile pupil under your august auspices and tuition." Says Tom, "thou reasonest well."

The rapidity with which great characters execute their determinations has been often remarked by authors. The das.h.i.+ng tandem, with its beautiful high-bred bits of blood, accompanied by two grooms on horsebaek in splendid liveries, stood at the lodge-gate, and our heroes had only to bid adieu to relatives and friends, and commence their rapid career.

Before we start on this long journey of one hundred and eighty miles, with the celerity which is unavoidable in modern travelling, it may be prudent to ascertain that our readers are still in company, and that we all start fairly together; otherwise, there is but little probability of our ever meeting again on the journey;--so now to satisfy queries, remarks, and animadversions.

"Why, Sir, I must say it is a new way of introducing a story, and appears to me very irregular.--What! tumble your hero neck and heels into the midst of a drunken fox-hunting party, and then carry him off from his paternal estate, without even noticing his ancestors, relatives, friends, connexions, or prospects--without any description of romantic scenery on the estate--without so much as an allusion to the female who first kindled in his breast the tender pa.s.sion, or a detail of those incidents

"My dear Sir, I agree with you as to the deviation from customary rules: but allow me to ask,--is not one common object--amus.e.m.e.nt, all we have in view? Suppose then, by way of ill.u.s.tration, you were desirous of arriving at a given place or object, to which there were several roads, and having traversed one of these till the monotony of the scene had rendered every object upon it dull and wearisome, would you quarrel with the traveller who pointed out another road, merely because it was a new one? Considering the impatience of our young friends, the one to return to scenes in which alone he can ~6~~live, and the other to realize ideal dreams of happiness, painted in all the glowing tints that a warm imagination and youthful fancy can pourtray, it will be impossible longer to continue the argument. Let me, therefore, entreat you to cut it short--accompany us in our rapid pursuit after Life in London; nor risk for the sake of a little peevish criticism, the cruel reflection, that by a refusal, you would, probably, be in _at the death_ of the Author--by Starvation."

CHAPTER II

"The panting steed the hero's empire feel, Who sits triumphant o'er the flying wheel, And as he guides it through th' admiring throng, With what an air he holds the reins, and smacks the silken thong!"

ORDINARY minds, in viewing distant objects, first see the obstacles that intervene, magnify the difficulty of surmounting them, and sit down in despair. The man of genius with his mind's-eye pointed steadfastly, like the needle towards the pole, on the object of his ambition, meets and conquers every difficulty in detail, and the ma.s.s dissolves before him as the mountain snow yields, drop by drop, to the progressive but invincible operation of the solar beam. Our honourable friend was well aware that a perfect knowledge of the art of driving, and the character of a "_first-rate whip_," were objects worthy his ambition; and that, to hold four-in-hand--turn a corner in style--handle the reins in form--take a fly off the tip of his leader's ear--square the elbows, and keep the wrists pliant, were matters as essential to the formation of a man of fas.h.i.+on as _dice or milling_: it was a principle he had long laid down and strictly adhered to, that whatever tended to the completion of that character, should be acquired to the very acme of perfection, without regard to ulterior consequences, or minor pursuits.

In an early stage, therefore, of his fas.h.i.+onable course of studies, the whip became an object of careful solicitude; and after some private tuition, he first exhibited his prowess about twice a week, on the box of a Windsor stage, tipping coachy a crown for the indulgence and improvement it afforded. Few could boast of being more fortunate during a noviciate: two overturns only occurred in the whole course of practice, and except the trifling accident of an old lady being killed, a shoulder or two dislocated, and about half a dozen legs and arms ~8~~broken, belonging to people who were not at all known in high life, nothing worthy of notice may be said to have happened on these occasions. 'Tis true, some ill-natured remarks appeared in one of the public papers, on the "conduct of coachmen entrusting the reins to young pract.i.tioners, and thus endangering the lives of his majesty's subjects;" but these pa.s.sed off like other philanthropic suggestions of the day, unheeded and forgotten.

The next advance of our hero was an important step. The mail-coach is considered the school; its driver, the great master of the art--the _Phidias_ of the statuary--the _Claude_ of the landscape-painter. To approach him without preparatory instruction and study, would be like an attempt to copy the former without a knowledge of anatomy, or the latter, while ignorant of perspective. The standard of excellence--the model of perfection, all that the highest ambition can attain, is to approach as near as possible the original; to attempt a deviation, would be to _bolt out of the course, snap the curb, and run riot_. Sensible of the importance of his character, accustomed to hold the reins of arbitrary power; and seated where will is law, the mail-whip carries in his appearance all that may be expected from his elevated situation.

Stern and sedate in his manner, and given to taciturnity, he speaks sententiously, or in monosyllables. If he pa.s.ses on the road even an humble follower of the profession, with four tidy ones in hand, he views him with ineffable contempt, and would consider it an irreparable disgrace to appear conscious of the proximity. Should it be a country gentleman of large property and influence, and he held the reins, and handled the whip with a knowledge of the art, so to "get over the ground," coachy might, perhaps, notice him "_en pa.s.sant_," by a slight and familiar nod; but it is only the peer, or man of first-rate sporting celebrity, that is honoured with any thing like a familiar mark of approbation and acquaintance; and these, justly appreciating the proud distinction, feel higher gratification by it than any thing the monarch could bestow: it is an inclination of the head, not forward, in the manner of a nod, but towards the off shoulder, accompanied with a certain jerk and elevation from the opposite side. But here neither pen nor pencil can depict; it belongs to him alone whose individual powers can nightly keep the house ~9~~in a roar, to catch the living manner and present it to the eye.

"----A merrier man

Within the limit of becoming mirth, I never spent an hour's talk withall: His eye begets occasion for his wit; For every object that the one doth catch The other turns to a mirth-moving jest."

And now, gentle reader, if the epithet means any thing, you cannot but feel disposed to good humour and indulgence: Instead of rattling you off, as was proposed at our last interview, and whirling you at the rate of twelve miles an hour, exhausted with fatigue, and half _dead_ in pursuit of _Life_, we have proceeded gently along the road, amusing ourselves by the way, rather with drawing than driving. 'Tis high time, however, we made some little progress in our journey: "Come Bob, take the reins--push on--keep moving--touch up the leader into a hand-gallop--give Snarler his head--that's it my tight one, keep out of the ruts--mind your quartering--not a gig, buggy, tandem, or tilbury, have we yet seen on the road--what an infernal place for a human being to inhabit!--curse me if I had not as lief emigrate to the back settlements of America: one might find some novelty and amus.e.m.e.nt there--I'd have the woods cleared--cut out some turnpike-roads, and, like Palmer, start the first mail"----"Stop, Tom, don't set off yet to the Illinois--here's something ahead, but what the devil it is I cant guess--why it's a barge on wheels, and drove four-in-hand."--"Ha, ha--barge indeed, Bob, you seem to know as much about coaches as Snarler does of Back-gammon: I suppose you never see any thing in this quarter but the old heavy Bridgewater--why we have half a dozen new launches every week, and as great a variety of names, shape, size, and colour, as there are s.h.i.+ps in the navy--we have the heavy coach, light coach, Caterpillar, and Mail--the Balloon, Comet, Fly, Dart, Regulator, Telegraph, Courier, Times, High-flyer, Hope, with as many others as would fill a list as long as my tandem-whip. What you now see is one of the _new patent safety-coaches_--you can't have an overturn if you're ever so disposed for a spree. The old city cormorants, after a gorge of mock-turtle, turn into them for a journey, and drop off in a ~~10~~nap, with as much confidence of security to their neck and limbs as if they had mounted a rocking-horse, or drop't into an arm-chair."--"Ah! come, the scene improves, and becomes a little like Life--here's a dasher making up to the Safety--why its--no, impossible--can't be--gad it is tho'--the Dart, by all that's good! and drove by h.e.l.l-fire d.i.c.k!--there's a fellow would do honour to any box--drove the Cambridge Fly three months--pa.s.s'd every thing on the road, and because he overturned in three or four hard matches, the stupid rascals of proprietors moved him off the ground. Joe Spinum, who's at Corpus Christi, matched d.i.c.k once for 50, when he carried five inside and thirteen at top, besides heavy luggage, against the other Cambridge--never was a prettier race seen at Newmarket--d.i.c.k must have beat hollow, but a d----d fat alderman who was inside, and felt alarmed at the velocity of the vehicle, moved to the other end of the seat: this destroyed the equilibrium--over they went, into a four-feet ditch, and Joe lost his match. However, he had the satisfaction of hearing afterwards, that the old cormorant who occasioned his loss, had nearly burst himself by the concussion."

"See, see!--d.i.c.k's got up to, and wants to give the Safety the go by--gad, its a race--go it d.i.c.k--now Safety--d----d good cattle both--lay it in to 'em d.i.c.k--leaders neck and neck--pretty race by G----! Ah, its of no use Safety--d.i.c.k wont stand it--a dead beat--there she goes--all up--over by Jove "----"I can't see for that tree--what do you say Tom, is the race over?"--"Race, ah! and the coach too--knew d.i.c.k would beat him--would have betted the long odds the moment I saw it was him."

The tandem had by this time reached the race-course, and the disaster which Tom had hardly thought worth noticing in his lively description of the sport, sure enough had befallen the _new 'patent Safety_, which was about mid way between an upright and a side position, supported by the high and very strong quicksett-hedge against which it hath fallen. Our heroes dismounted, left Flip at the leader's head, and with Ned, the other groom, proceeded to offer their services. Whilst engaged in extricating the horses, which had become entangled in their harness, and were kicking and plunging, their attention was arrested by the screams and outrageous vociferations of a very fat, middle-aged woman, who had ~11~~been jerked from her seat on the box to one not quite so smooth--the top of the hedge, which, with the a.s.sistance of an old alder tree, supported the coach. Tom found it impossible to resist the violent impulse to risibility which the ludicrous appearance of the old lady excited, and as no serious injury was sustained, determined to enjoy the fun.

"If e'er a pleasant mischief sprang to view, At once o'er hedge and ditch away he flew, Nor left the game till he had run it down."

Approaching her with all the gravity of countenance he was master of--"Madam," says he, "are we to consider you as one of the Sylvan Deities who preside over these scenes, or connected in any way with the vehicle?"--"Wehicle, indeed, you _hunhuman-brutes_, instead of a.s.sisting a poor distressed female who has been chuck'd from top of that there _safety-thing_, as they calls it, into such a dangerous _pisition_, you must be chuckling and grinning, must you? I only wish my husband, Mr.

Giblet, was here, he should soon wring your necks, and pluck some of your fine feathers for you, and make you look as foolish as a peac.o.c.k without his tail." Mrs. Giblet's ire at length having subsided, she was handed down in safety on _terra firma_, and our heroes transferred their a.s.sistance to the other pa.s.sengers. The violence of the concussion had burst open the coach-door on one side, and a London _Dandy_, of the exquisite genus, lay in danger of being pressed to a jelly beneath the weight of an infirm and very stout old farmer, whom they had pick'd up on the road; and it was impossible to get at, so as to afford relief to the sufferers, till the coach was raised in a perpendicular position.

The farmer was no sooner on his legs, than clapping his hand with anxious concern into an immense large pocket, he discovered that a bottle of brandy it contained was crack'd, and the contents beginning to escape: "I ax pardon, young gentleman," says he, seizing a hat that the latter held with great care in his hand, and applying it to catch the liquor--"I ax pardon for making so free, but I see the hat is a little out of order, and can't be much hurt; and its a pity to waste the liquor, such a price as it is now-a-days."--"Sir, what do you mean, shouldn't have thought of your taking such liberties indeed, but makes good the old saying--impudence and ~12~~ignorance go together: my hat out of order, hey! I'd have you to know, Sir, that _that there_ hat was bought of Lloyd, in Newgate-street,{1} only last Thursday,-and cost eighteen s.h.i.+llings; and if you look at the book in his _vindow_ on hats, dedicated to the head, you'll find that this here hat is a real exquisite; so much for what you know about hats, my old fellow--I burst my stays all to pieces in saving it from being squeezed out of shape, and now this old brute has made a brandy-bottle of it."--"Oh! oh! my young Miss in disguise," replied the farmer, "I thought I smelt a rat when the Captain left the coach, under pretence of walking up the hill--what, I suppose vou are bound for Gretna, both of vou, hev young Lady?"

Every thing appertaining to the coach being now righted, our young friends left the company to adjust their quarrels and pursue their journey at discretion, anxious to reach the next town as expeditiously as possible, where they purposed sleeping for the night. They mounted the tandem, smack went the whip, and in a few minutes the stage-coach and its motley group had disappeared.

Having reached their destination, and pa.s.sed the night comfortably, they next morning determined to kill an hour or two in the town; and were taking a stroll arm in arm, when perceiving by a playbill, that an amateur of fas.h.i.+on from the theatres royal, Drury Lane and Haymarket, was just _come in_, and would shortly _come out_,

1 It would be injustice to great talents, not to notice, among other important discoveries and improvements of the age, the labours of Lloyd, who has cla.s.sified and arranged whatever relates to that necessary article of personal elegance, the Hat. He has given the world a volume on the subject of Hats, dedicated to their great patron, the Head, in which all the endless varieties of shape, dependent before on mere whim and caprice, are reduced to fixed principles, and designated after the great characters by which each particular fas.h.i.+on was first introduced. The advantages to gentlemen residing in the country must be incalculable: they have only to refer to the engravings in Mr. Lloyd's work, where every possible variety is clearly defined, and to order such as may suit the rank or character in life they either possess, or wish to a.s.sume. The following enumeration comprises a few of the latest fas.h.i.+ons: --The Wellington--The Regent--The Caroline--The Bashful--The Dandy--The Shallow--The Exquisite--The Marquis --The New Dash--The Clerieus--The Tally-ho--The n.o.ble Lord-- The Taedum--The Bang-up--The Irresistible--The Bon Ton--The Paris Beau--The Baronet--The Eccentric--The Bit of Blood, &c.

~13~~in a favourite character, they immediately directed their steps towards a barn, with the hope of witnessing a rehearsal. Chance introduced them to the country manager, and Tom having asked several questions about this candidate, was a.s.sured by Mr. Mist:

"Oh! he is a gentleman-performer, and very useful to us managers, for he not only finds his own dresses and properties, but 'struts and frets his hour on the stage without any emoluments. His aversion to salary recommended him to the lessee of Drury-lane theatre, though his services had been previously rejected by the sub-committee."

"Can it be that game-c.o.c.k, the gay Lothario," said Tom, "who sports an immensity of diamonds?"--

Of Coates's frolics he of course well knew, Rare pastime for the ragam.u.f.fin crew! Who welcome with the crowing of a c.o.c.k, This hero of the buskin and sock.

"Oh! no," rejoined Mr. Mist, "that c.o.c.k don't crow now: this gentleman, I a.s.sure you, has been at a theatrical school; he was instructed by the person who made Master Bettv a young Roscius."

Tom shook his head, as if he doubted the abilities of this instructed actor. To be a performer, he thought as arduous as to be a poet; and if _poeta nascitur, non fit_--consequently an actor must have natural abilities.