Chapter 61
"I'm not that sort, I'm not one to say much."
"If you knew how happy just one word would make me!"
"Well, what I always say is, people must take me as they find me, and if they don't like it they can lump it."
But sometimes she expressed herself more plainly still, and, when he asked the question, answered:
"Oh, don't go on at that again."
Then he became sulky and silent. He hated her.
And now he said:
"Oh, well, if you feel like that about it I wonder you condescend to come out with me at all."
"It's not my seeking, you can be very sure of that, you just force me to."
His pride was bitterly hurt, and he answered madly.
"You think I'm just good enough to stand you dinners and theatres when there's no one else to do it, and when someone else turns up I can go to h.e.l.l. Thank you, I'm about sick of being made a convenience."
"I'm not going to be talked to like that by anyone. I'll just show you how much I want your dirty dinner."
She got up, put on her jacket, and walked quickly out of the restaurant.
Philip sat on. He determined he would not move, but ten minutes afterwards he jumped in a cab and followed her. He guessed that she would take a 'bus to Victoria, so that they would arrive about the same time. He saw her on the platform, escaped her notice, and went down to Herne Hill in the same train. He did not want to speak to her till she was on the way home and could not escape him.
As soon as she had turned out of the main street, brightly lit and noisy with traffic, he caught her up.
"Mildred," he called.
She walked on and would neither look at him nor answer. He repeated her name. Then she stopped and faced him.
"What d'you want? I saw you hanging about Victoria. Why don't you leave me alone?"
"I'm awfully sorry. Won't you make it up?"
"No, I'm sick of your temper and your
She walked on quickly, and he had to hurry to keep up with her.
"You never make allowances for me," he said. "It's all very well to be jolly and amiable when you're indifferent to anyone. It's very hard when you're as much in love as I am. Have mercy on me. I don't mind that you don't care for me. After all you can't help it. I only want you to let me love you."
She walked on, refusing to speak, and Philip saw with agony that they had only a few hundred yards to go before they reached her house. He abased himself. He poured out an incoherent story of love and penitence.
"If you'll only forgive me this time I promise you you'll never have to complain of me in future. You can go out with whoever you choose. I'll be only too glad if you'll come with me when you've got nothing better to do."
She stopped again, for they had reached the corner at which he always left her.
"Now you can take yourself off. I won't have you coming up to the door."
"I won't go till you say you'll forgive me."
"I'm sick and tired of the whole thing."
He hesitated a moment, for he had an instinct that he could say something that would move her. It made him feel almost sick to utter the words.
"It is cruel, I have so much to put up with. You don't know what it is to be a cripple. Of course you don't like me. I can't expect you to."
"Philip, I didn't mean that," she answered quickly, with a sudden break of pity in her voice. "You know it's not true."
He was beginning to act now, and his voice was husky and low.
"Oh, I've felt it," he said.
She took his hand and looked at him, and her own eyes were filled with tears.
"I promise you it never made any difference to me. I never thought about it after the first day or two."
He kept a gloomy, tragic silence. He wanted her to think he was overcome with emotion.
"You know I like you awfully, Philip. Only you are so trying sometimes.
Let's make it up."
She put up her lips to his, and with a sigh of relief he kissed her.
"Now are you happy again?" she asked.
"Madly."
She bade him good-night and hurried down the road. Next day he took her in a little watch with a brooch to pin on her dress. She had been hankering for it.
But three or four days later, when she brought him his tea, Mildred said to him:
"You remember what you promised the other night? You mean to keep that, don't you?"
"Yes."
He knew exactly what she meant and was prepared for her next words.
"Because I'm going out with that gentleman I told you about tonight."
"All right. I hope you'll enjoy yourself."
"You don't mind, do you?"
He had himself now under excellent control.
"I don't like it," he smiled, "but I'm not going to make myself more disagreeable than I can help."