Chapter 88
She hated her room. Everything in it reminded her of the day after Mark died. The rows of new books reminded her; and Mark's books in the narrow bookcase. They were hers. She would never be asked to give them back again. Yesterday she had taken out the Aeschylus and looked at it, and she had forgotten that Mark was dead and had felt glad because it was hers.
To-day she had been afraid to see its shabby drab back lest it should remind her of that, too.
Her mother sighed and put her book away. She sat with her hands before her, waiting.
Her face had its old look of reproach and disapproval, the drawn, irritated look you saw when you came between her and Mark. As if your grief for Mark came between her and her grief, as if, deep down inside her, she hated your grief as she had hated your love for him, without knowing that she hated it.
Suddenly she turned on you her blurred, wounded eyes.
"Mary, when you look at me like that I feel as if you knew everything I'm thinking."
"I don't. I shall never know."
Supposing all the time she knew what you were thinking? Supposing Mark knew? Supposing the dead knew?
She was glad of the aching of her heart that dragged her thought down and numbed it.
The January twilight crept between them. She put down her sewing. At the stroke of the clock her mother stirred in her chair.
"What day of the month is it?" she said.
"The twenty-fifth."
"Then--yesterday was your birthday.... Poor Mary. I forgot.... I sit here, thinking. My own thoughts. They make me forget.... Come here."
She went to her, drawn by a pa.s.sion stronger than her pa.s.sion for Mark, her hard, proud pa.s.sion for Mark.
Her mother put up her face. She stooped down and kissed her pa.s.sionately, on her mouth, her wet cheeks, her dove's eyes, her dove's eyelids. She crouched on the floor beside her, leaning her head against her lap.
Mamma's hand held it there.
"Are you twenty-nine or thirty?"
"Thirty."
"You don't look it. You've always been such a little thing.... You remember the silly question you used to ask me? 'Mamma--would you love me better if I was two?'"
She remembered. Long ago. When she came teasing for kisses. The silly question.
"You remember _that_?"
"Yes. I remember."
Deep down inside her there was something you would never know.
XXIX
I.
Mamma was planting another row of asters in the garden in the place of those that had died last September.
The outline of the map of South Africa had gone from the wall at the bottom. Roddy's bit was indistinguishable from the rest.
And always you knew what would happen. Outside, on the Green, the movements of the
Half-way through prayers the Morfe bus would break loose from High Row with a clatter, and the brakes would grind on the hill. An hour after tea-time it would come back with a mournful tapping and sc.r.a.ping of hoofs.
She had left off watching for the old red mail-cart to come round the corner at the bottom. Sometimes, at long intervals, there would be a letter for her from Aunt Lavvy or Dan or Mrs. Sutcliffe. She couldn't tell when it would come, but she knew on what days the long trolleys would stop by Mr. Horn's yard loaded with powdery sacks of flour, and on what days the brewer's van would draw up to the King's Head and the Farmers' Arms. When she looked out across the Green she caught the hard stare of the Belks' house, the tall, lean, grey house blotched with iron stains. It stood on the sheer edge where the platform dropped to the turn of the road. Every morning at ten o'clock its little door would open and Mr. Belk would come out and watch for his London paper. Every evening at ten minutes past ten the shadow of Mr. Belk would move across the yellow blind of the drawing-room window on the right; the light would go out, and presently a blond blur would appear behind the blind of the bedroom window on the left.
Every morning at twelve Mrs. Belk would hurry along, waddling and shaking, to leave the paper with her aunt, old Mrs. Heron, in the dark cottage that crouched at the top of the Green. Every afternoon at three Dorsy would bring it back again.
When Mary came in from the village Mamma would look up and say "Well?" as if she expected her to have something interesting to tell. She wished that something would happen so that she might tell Mamma about it. She tried to think of something, something to say that would interest Mamma.
"I met Mr. James on the Garthdale Road. Walking like anything."
"Did you?" Mamma was not interested in Mr. James.
She wondered, "Why can't I think of things like other people?" She had a sense of defeat, of mournful incapacity.
One day Catty came bustling in with the tea-things, looking important.
She had brought news from the village.
Mrs. Heron had broken her thigh. She had slipped on the landing. Mrs.
Belk was with her and wouldn't go away.
Catty tried to look sorry, but you could see she was pleased because she had something to tell you.
They talked about it all through tea-time. They were sorry for Mrs.
Heron. They wondered what poor Dorsy would do if anything should happen to her. And through all their sorrow there ran a delicate, secret thrill of satisfaction. Something had happened. Something that interested Mamma.
Two days later Dorsy came in with her tale; her nose was redder, her hare's eyes were frightened.
"Mrs. Belk's there still," she said. "She wants to take Aunt to live with her. She wants her to send me away. She says it wouldn't have happened if I'd looked after her properly. And so it wouldn't, Mary, if I'd been there. But I'd a bad headache, and I was lying down for a minute when she fell.... She won't go. She's sitting there in Aunt's room all the time, talking and tiring her. Trying to poison Aunt's mind against me. Working on her to send me away."
Dorsy's voice dropped and her face reddened.
"She thinks I'm after Aunt's money. She's always been afraid of her leaving it to me. I'm only her husband's nephew's daughter. Mrs. Belk's her real niece....
"I'd go to-morrow, Mary, but Aunt wants me there. She doesn't like Mrs.
Belk; I think she's afraid of her. And she can't get away from her. She just lies there with her poor leg in the splints; there's the four-pound weight from the kitchen scales tied on to keep it on the stretch. If you could see her eyes turning to me when I come....
"One thing--Mrs. Belk's afraid for her life of me. That's why she's trying to poison Aunt's mind."
When they saw Mrs. Belk hurrying across the Green to Mrs. Heron's house they knew what she was going for.
"Poor Dorsy!" they said.
"Poor Dorsy!"