Chapter 17
She turned to me.
I continued, "We haven't discussed it, but I'd like for you to share how you knew to awaken Noctorno and take him to the b.u.t.tery."
Her inquisitive look turned guarded and it took a moment for her to answer.
As this moment pa.s.sed I sought patience, something of which I'd once had a profuse amount at my disposal. Patience was important when one engaged in plentiful amounts of intrigue.
Something I'd found slipping of late.
When I was on the cusp of prompting her, she declared, "I sleep light."
"This is not quite an explanation," I noted when she said no more.
"I've been in service almost all my life. When my employers have need of me, night or day, I'm trained to be awake and aware."
"You're an excellent maid, Josette. Are you saying something woke you, you found my bed empty and went in search of me?"
"Actually, you woke me, closing the door to your room. I worried about you, your...well, state of mind being...well..." She shook her head. "That doesn't matter. The thing is, I was worried so I followed you."
How curious.
I hadn't heard her. I hadn't even sensed her.
Then again, my mind had been on other things.
"And thus you saw it all," I remarked. "Or heard it, when you weren't bustling to go tell Master Noctorno what was happening."
She visibly swallowed.
I studied her and as I did so I watched her anxiety escalate.
As noted, she'd been an excellent maid for some time.
The past several days, however, she'd been more.
Therefore, I found myself a.s.suring her softly, "I'm not angry with you, Josette."
"He was..." she shook her head again, "Master Noc was the only one I was certain would...help," she finished feebly.
"I'm certain you're quite right," I replied.
She took a step toward me and stopped. "I'm very pleased you're not annoyed with me, Lady Franka. I thought...when the subject came up, you'd..." she trailed off and didn't continue.
There was much about this to consider and I'd most a.s.suredly considered it over the last few days.
Namely, the filthy secret of Nils, Anneka, Franka and Kristian Drakkar being out.
And the end of the domination, fear and torment.
It was unexpectedly not easy to come to terms with.
Considering my mother's magic, and the life I'd led where memories started with suffering in a way I knew nothing else, I'd never pondered a life without Nils and Anneka meting out their brand of ruthlessness. A life not living under the cloud of it happening again, doing my best to escape it and finding ways to keep safe from the minute I could.
I should have been relieved. Even joyous.
And yet I was not.
I felt a good deal of humiliation, but more of shame with an underlying uneasiness.
Kristian, I'd learned (from Finnie during one of her many visits), wanted to settle his wife and child after the fright of Mother appearing, and then they were journeying to the Winter Palace to see me. Valentine had offered to bring them there much quicker, that was to say in an instant, but Kristian had declined, fearing his young son's reaction to such a happenstance.
Though mostly, I'd decided, it was probably that this offer was extended right after Valentine interrupted my mother's preparations so my brother was likely more concerned about the state of mind of his family than travel plans.
It was highly unusual (and if they were to journey by sleigh, which it seemed they were going to do, meaning I'd be at the Winter Palace even longer than the queen decreed) but I was keen for my brother's visit.
It wasn't unusual because I wished to see him and ascertain if he was indeed well in mind and spirit.
It was unusual because I wished to talk with him about his reaction to our lifelong misery coming to an abrupt, unantic.i.p.ated end.
Discussing my feelings was not something I was adept at doing. That was to say, since I put a stop to Kristian and I whispering together as children because we were repeatedly punished for it, I'd never done it, not even with Antoine.
Therefore looking forward to such
But it could not be denied I did.
"My lady, is there aught else?" Josette called, and I started, losing track of our conversation and even forgetting she was there.
"I'm so sorry, Josette. My mind wandered. No, thank you. Nothing else."
She did not move.
All she did was blink.
I found that odd until I realized what had come out of my mouth.
Dear G.o.ddess, I'd apologized.
And...
I peered closer at my maid, squinting my eyes across the distance...
It appeared she was on the verge of tears!
b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l.
I wasn't an ogre but she'd been with me for five years.
Five years with someone who was distant, respectful, but not kind.
Not to mention, the very idea of living a life at the beck and call of anyone was revolting.
Further, as my parents had taught me-that servants were beneath my notice-living a life not once considering that dreadful fact was even more revolting.
Which meant I was revolting!
You're learning, mon ange, Antoine said in my head.
b.l.o.o.d.y bleeding h.e.l.l.
b.u.g.g.e.r off, I snapped.
"I...you're...I..." Josette cut into my demented thoughts and this time she visibly gulped, "I'll check in on you later, milady."
I decided to keep my mouth shut and simply lift my chin.
She finally vanished behind the door.
I watched this and did not beat back my sigh of relief.
I then found the ribbon in my book and opened it to the next chapter I should be reading.
However, I knew this was a wasted effort, for regardless of the copious time I'd had to rest and mend, that time had been broken repeatedly, mostly by Josette, but also with irritating frequency by Noc and even by a solicitous Frey and an openly pleasant and sociable Finnie.
And just that morning, the first I'd been out of my bed, she'd brought Circe and Cora (Madeleine was now celebrating wedded bliss with Apollo, on their way to one of his houses by some lake somewhere, this I knew due to the chitter-chatter of the two princesses and queen who'd attended me, all of whom gabbed like scullery maids).
I had found that ignoring Noc or giving him monosyllabic answers did not deter him in his friendliness. In fact, he found it amusing and did not hesitate not only to demonstrate this by smiling, chuckling or out and out laughing, but also sharing this with me verbally. As if not only could I read he found this so by his smiling, chuckling and laughing, but also he wished to a.s.sure me of the veracity of these acts like this was the most sought after attribute.
I also found that one did not have to be sociable and forthcoming around sociable and forthcoming people. One could be virtually silent and even sullen and they just carried on being social and forthcoming.
It was grating on my nerves.
I'd even pulled the real Franka out, saying something cutting to Finnie right in front of Aurora (although Frey had left my room-I was frustrated, not foolish), and if it could be credited, Finnie had just smiled at me and declared, "Franka, I swear, you're a st.i.tch."
Yes.
That was precisely what she said.
I'd never forget it.
And now, as I should be averting my mind to a book, I was not. Instead, I was on tenterhooks awaiting who might come through the door.
I would not admit that I wished it to be Noc even as I did know that, with the frequency of his visits, he was the most likely candidate.
Indeed, I would not admit I wished it to be anyone, because, d.a.m.nably, sociability and outgoingness was nauseatingly pleasing to be around.
I turned my attention from my book to the window and asked it, "If I looked in the mirror, would I even recognize me?"
This is who you've always been, love, Antoine answered.
I'm quite pleased you're dead, I lied irritably.
I know this is not true. Though, this being what you think, you'd be free to explore the feelings you have growing toward Noc.
At these words in my head, my back shot straight so fast a swell of pain rose that was so fierce I had to bite my lip in an effort not to moan.
During this effort, I heard a sharp rap on the door, and heralding Noc's arrival (as this was always the case), before I bid entry (or denied it, this effort always unheeded), the door opened and he sauntered through.
"Hey, babe," he greeted.
I did not greet back.
I glowered.
This was because he was wearing those trousers again. It seemed he had a number of pairs, all the same fabric but all different shades of blue, all of them an impossibility to decide which pair suited him the best.
He was also wearing a s.h.i.+rt that looked of the same material, except more lightweight and almost completely faded, only a nuance of blue was left. And this s.h.i.+rt managed to do remarkable things not only to his chest, but also his narrow waist, his broad shoulders and his extraordinary eyes.
Yes, if I hadn't already come to that conclusion, the last three days it had been made clear the G.o.ds had utterly forsaken me.
I looked to the window attempting to call up the vision of Antoine. His lanky frame. His refined features. The thickness of his dark-blond hair. The vividness of his green eyes.
But all I could see was Noc in his trousers.
And all I could hear was Noc dragging a chair over to mine.
"You good?" he asked.
"I am," I answered the window.
"Should you be sitting up?" he asked.
"The physician seemed to think so, considering it was his suggestion."
"Is that pillow you got behind you fluffy enough?" Noc pressed.
Proof.
Friendliness and sociability, not to mention kindness, were frustrating.
And nauseating.
(I told myself).
Slowly, I turned my eyes to him. "No, it's hard and chafing. But considering I've just ordered Josette to bring me a hair s.h.i.+rt so I can continue my self-flagellation at higher levels of discomfort, I think it will suffice."
Noc flashed me a smile. "You're bein' funny so I see you're good."
Somehow, I continued to give myself away.