Chapter 98
I leaned in and rolled up on my toes to touch my cheek to his.
With it there, I said, "If I don't see you again, have a good night."
"You as well, love," he muttered.
I pulled back, gave him a grin then headed down the hall.
I was in my nightgown and robe, fur-lined slippers on my feet, ready for bed as Loretta and Meeta, as usual, a.s.sisted me in being. Then came the request from elan that I listen to her read so I headed to her room as my girls headed to theirs.
Meeta, no doubt, would by now be with Ruben in his.
That situation was continuing quietly, without fanfare, as was Meeta's way. This didn't mean she was entirely matter-of-fact about it. I often saw her search for Ruben on his mount with her eyes as we traversed the snow.
She liked him.
Alas, she was not a woman who would respond (at all) to me teasing her about it and since that would be a waste of effort (and good teasing), I didn't.
But I wished I could.
Loretta, however, would be sleeping in an empty bed tonight.
Surprisingly, Hans had made no headway.
Unsurprisingly, as a great deal of time had pa.s.sed, he'd backed off.
Though he didn't do it happily and his near-constant glower often aimed Loretta's way told me so. It also pretty much told the same to anyone who witnessed it.
And everyone witnessed it.
For some reason, this didn't sit well with me. And although she did it jokingly, earlier that evening, her asking after Bain and Zahnin's relations.h.i.+p status also struck me wrong.
She'd been into Hans.
I thought she'd cave (eventually).
She didn't.
She also hadn't shared.
Friends were supposed to look after friends-I guessed, since I didn't have a lot of experience. But the friends I had now looked after me.
And I wasn't sure I was looking after her.
So there I was, heading to her door.
Once I'd made it, before I could chicken out, I lifted my hand to knock.
I didn't get it in because I heard the door behind me open.
I twisted that way and saw that Meeta stood in it.
"Hey, honey," I greeted.
"Miss Maddie," she replied.
A chill slid over my skin when I caught the look on her face.
Since she was studying me closely in a way that kind of freaked me out, I turned fully to her.
"Everything okay?" I asked.
She kept studying me and didn't answer.
"Meeta?" I prompted.
She tipped her head to the side.
Yes, freaking me out.
Suddenly, her face cleared and she said, "Everything is fine."
The chill left.
If Meeta said everything was fine, she would not lie.
A brawny arm appeared, that arm wrapping itself around Meeta's chest.
Then the handsome face of Ruben appeared at the side of her head.
He dipped his chin to me and gave me a wolfish grin.
Half a second later, Meeta disappeared and the door clicked shut.
I grinned at the door before I turned and knocked on Loretta's.
Within moments, I heard the lock turn and the door opened a few inches.
When she spied me, she opened it further and frowned.
"Is everything all right, Miss Maddie?" she asked.
"Everything's fine, honey," I answered. "Can I come in for a sec and chat?"
She looked confused but opened the door further and invited me in, saying, "Of course."
I moved into her room and noted that the fire was blazing, the lamp by her bed was lit and a book was upside down on the bedclothes.
I turned to her. "I'm sorry, you were all settled in."
"I'm always happy for a visit from you, Miss Maddie," she replied, moving to the bed and sitting on
I followed and sat beside her. "No good?"
"I'm not sure the hero is going to end up with the heroine." She grinned at me. "I prefer a happy ending."
I did too.
And I was there to ask about hers.
"Okay, honey," I started. "Just to say, this isn't any of my business and you don't have to talk about it, but it seems you've managed to put Hans off."
She looked to her knees, murmuring, "Finally."
That word should have held relief.
But I didn't hear relief.
I just didn't know what I heard.
"Can I..." I paused and she returned her eyes to me, "ask why?"
"Why?"
"Hans is a good man, Loretta, and you liked him a great deal before what happened in Brunskar."
She looked back to her knees and it seemed she was uncomfortable.
Okay, maybe I'd screwed up. Maybe friends weren't supposed to stick their noses in their friend's business.
Backtracking, I a.s.sured her quickly, "You don't have to talk about it with me. It's your business. Not mine."
Her gaze came again to me. "I'm...choosy," she declared.
"Choosy?" I asked.
She turned fully to me. "I enjoy bedplay. Most definitely. But I'm choosy with who I do it with. I haven't had a great number of partners because of that," she stated openly.
"Okay," I replied slowly when she didn't continue.
"He pursued me," she went on.
"Are we talking about the first time?" I asked.
She nodded. "I thought...well, the first time, he was like he was this last time, obviously not as much because I gave in, but he seemed"-she shrugged-"interested in me. For more than bedplay."
"And you were disappointed when he wasn't," I guessed.
"Yes," she confirmed. "But it was more. It was clear he was very good at it, for I greatly enjoyed what we did. Much more than I'd ever enjoyed it before. But when he wanted no more, I thought perhaps I...well...wasn't. Good at it that is."
Ouch.
That had to sting.
I didn't get to share that, she kept talking.
"In his pursuit, I also got to know him. And I liked what I knew. You're right. He is a good man and he treated me in ways I liked. Then, after he had me, all that just...went away."
I felt my mouth get tight.
Stupid Hans.
"I know that had to feel awful," I said, reaching out and grabbing her hand.
Her fingers curled around mine as she agreed, "It did. It hurt a whole lot. And it made me angry when he was suddenly interested in me again after what happened in Brunskar. It was like all that went before was play. He'd asked about me, as if he wished to get to know me, but it was a means to an end. He didn't wish to get to know me. I don't think he even listened. He just did it to get what he wanted. Then, when what occurred at Brunskar occurred, suddenly, it was like he decided I was worthwhile-"
"When you were that before," I finished for her.
"I hope so," she replied.
"You were," I a.s.sured her. "You are."
"I hope so, Miss Maddie," she whispered.
I squeezed her hand and leaned in. "You were. You are," I repeated firmly and I leaned closer. "I've learned very recently that there are things inside us we have to offer that the way those around us behave, how they treat us, can make us not see that we have them to give. I would think, sweetheart, that it also goes the other way around. That those around us have things that make them blind to what we have to offer, until something happens where suddenly"-I clenched her hand in mine- "they see."
She said nothing so I kept going.
"And we can just say that what happened at Brunskar, what you and Meeta did for me, was a very big thing. Truthfully, in normal times, you showing that kind of bravery would never have the chance to happen. And Hans is a man who very much values bravery, loyalty, things you displayed in abundance. So he may never have known all there is to you because he wasn't opening his eyes to see but also because there wasn't the opportunity for him to see just all there is."
I took a breath before I laid out the hard part.
"But I have to admit, the way you explain it, I hate to say this, it does sound like Hans was out just to have some fun."
"Yes," she said softly.
"But then he saw you."
She studied me a moment before she declared, "You want me with him."
I shook my head. "I want you to have what you want. What you deserve. I just can't help but think that you wanted him before, very much so, and although I totally get why you wouldn't want him now, I can't forget how you felt before. But in the end"-I gave her hand another squeeze-"I just want you to be happy."
"I...well..." she stammered then looked away and suddenly exclaimed, "Oh blast!"
"What?" I asked.
Her eyes came back to mine. "Now I'm angry he stopped."
I blinked before I repeated, "What?"