Chapter 25
It always stroke her as odd how dim the nights could be on that place. There were no car lanterns, no city lights, not even a single cloud marring the peach-black sky. Only the moon, round and large, hanging precariously on a never-ending blanket of silvery stars.
Walking slowly between the shadows of trees swaing over the limits of the open fields, it felt surprisingly comforting to see the Jiang Manor's back gates finally appearing on the distance, it's tall walls looking so very small against the city's silhouette beyond.
Even there, she could already see, on the other side of the wooden doors, the flickering of torches and the moving shadows of a few guards on patrol duty, their steps light and unworried with the full moon s.h.i.+ning her brilliant, milky glow at even the darkest of corners.
Sam slowed down, finally halting her steps on the top of the hill, right outside the house.
A slow, dew-filled breeze brushed against her long, black hair, the dampness making her s.h.i.+ver uncounsciously.
From that distance, watching as the Imperial City slept, it was almost like looking at a thousand fireflies, flickering their bright, neon lights between pieces of tall gra.s.s.
Inoffensive. Beautiful.
Deceivingly peaceful on the quiet hours preceding dawn.
Right there, with everything looking so far away, it occurred to Sam that was probably the best opportunity she'd ever get to run. To try and find a way to go back to her old life. Whatever was left of it, anyway.
The flute Great Daoist Master had given her was still attached to her belt, its weight against her leg rea.s.suring smehow.
"I could get out of this mess before something blows up on my face" she murmured to the cool, night breeze "There would be no more Crown Prince, no more General, no more court drama whatsoever..." she sighed, ma.s.saging the bridge of her nose.
If nothing else, it was tempting.
Her gaze lifted upwards, at the round, silent moon, her dark eyes searching with a nervous energy, as if seeking an answer from the celestial body.
If it knew anything, though, it never told her.
She blinked, eyebrows scrunched with uncertainty. There was no sign on the night surrounding her. No direction, no sudden inspiration.
Whatever her choice, whatever the path she took, the decision would be hers, and hers alone. There would be no fate to blame this time around.
Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, Daoist Master's words came back to her, whispering on her ears as a slight, rea.s.suring caress.
"In this life... You were given a second chance, a new opportunity to live"
Sam closed her eyes, hands turning into tight fists.
"If you really want to honor Ying Yue, if you really don't want to waste this life, the life she was not able to maintain, you should live well. You should care for her family and do everything she would want you to do."
Not take revenge. Not choosing to be a replacement. Just live well.
Sam breathed deeply, blinking aay the sting of tears on her eyes as Yi Ren's kindness..h.i.t her once more.
He was giving Sam leave to just... Be. To try and find her place on that strange land. Knowing everything that he knew, he had still a.s.sured Sam it was okay to take her time and find out who she was on the Jiang family.
Sam laughed, her head falling back as a few, stray tears slid silently down her cheeks, disappearing inside her high collar.
She had finally lost it. Everything that had happened on the last couple of days catching up to her, living her mind on overload.
That was the only explanation for her to be turned into that weeping mess.
Even if it shouldn't matter what he said, even if a stranger's opinion shouldn't weight so much, having someone - anyone at that point - knowing what had happened and telling her it would be okay, that she was not a terrible person to be living the life someone else was denied... It mattered.
It was like taking a huge weight out of her shoulders, one she hadn't realized she was carrying.
"Thank You" she whispered to the night, knowing that, somehow, he would hear. He would understand her.
"Oh G.o.d, I've truly gone mad" she whispered at herself, brus.h.i.+ng away the wetness on her face with the long, large tip of her sleeves. "What will be next? Hug each other and sing You've Got a Friend near the fire!? Samanta Courtnay, get a grip!"
Forcing a laugh at her apparent sillyness, she started making her way once more to the Jiang Manor.
"What is a name, really?" she mumbled at herself "Sam, Ying Yue... Whatever they call me, I'm still me..." the girl smiled slightly "Now... I just have to learn who exactly this girl is...".
Sam knew, deep down, that taking the next step would mean no turning back again. There was just as much uncertainty anyone could take, and she felt quite full of it already.
"This time, there won't be anymore sitting on the side lines and watching life go on around me... If I'm gonna do this... Then I better do it right".
And, for the first time since that madness had started, Sam felt it was okay to wonder... And to hope.
____
Of course they were waiting for her.
Knowing how protective Fei Hong was of his little sister, it shouldn't have come as a surprise that almost every single soul on the household had been on alert at her arrival.
Still, the thick tension hanging on the air when she crossed the treshold, just like a sharp knife waiting to drop, wasn't any less unnerving.
As she closed the gates behind her, the entire house seemed to release the breath it had been holding since she ran away. Even the tall trees appeared to relax, their long, svelt branches flowing with more ease on the night air.
From her left, she could hear distinctively as a couple of guards closer to the entrance dispersed, whispering between themselves as word that the Fifth Young Miss had finally - and safely - returned home spread around the manor like fire on the drought season.
The disturbance was like a bucket of cold water to her newfound confidence, bringing back all the doubts that had driven her away earlier on the day.
Ah Mei's beating, her uncle unwavering posture, Ying Yue's untimely death, the mistery of her relations.h.i.+p with the Crown Prince...
It was like waking from a beautiful dream where she was stronger, more a.s.sured of herself. A best, edited version, from the girl waiting near the wooden gates, a hand still clutching the handle as she bit her lips nervously.
Closing her eyes for a moment, trying to order her shoulders to relax, she finally let go of the door, her fingers falling instinctively to caress over the smooth surface of the jade flute.
"You made your choice, remember?" she whispered "Live welll... Try to make the best of it... No more standing back."
She had done it before, after her parents accident, and then again after quitting the law firm...
Bracing herself, Sam breathed deeply... And then started making her way inside the manor, on the direction that would take her to her quarters. She was but a few courtyards away from the entrance to the Inner court when a warm, orangish light coming from a room to her right suddenly caught her attention.
Curious, she turned, finding the open doors to what looked like an antiquate office, its bamboo walls a stark contrast from the other, more refined rooms of the household. From that distance, she thought she could see what seemed to be shelves covering the back walls, full of scrolls and old books. On the other side, directly opposite to the door left ajar, the diaphanous draperies floated with the breeze, flickering the flames that illuminated the place.
She crooked her head to the side. It all felt... Strangely familiar somehow.
Startling, Sam felt her hands touching the cold doorframe, her feet taking her forward without she ever noticing she had started moving.
Without thinking, she breathed in the smell of tanned leather, parchment and ink, feeling her muscles relax with the warmth of
Peeking around to make sure there was no-one inside, she crossed the threshold, her steps light and unsure as she took everything in.
Sam had never seen that place before - not even in her time there - she was quite sure to have noticed a place like that. And still, the weird sense of familiarity still lingered...
Suddenly, her eyes reposed over a large painting. The lines delicate, the hues variating between yellow and brown... Dark, expressive eyes on a severe, almost G.o.d-like face. She frowned, walking closer to the portrait as she studied the large shoulders, the thunderous aura, the strength of the jaw line... It was hard not to thing that was much more the artist's fancy than the men's real stature.
Even his deep brown, almost dark robes seemed to s.h.i.+ne under the fire light, exposing the fine lines of gold hidden on the canvas.
Entranced, her hand lifted slowly, fingers trembling as if afraid to touch the paint and discover it was nothing but a dream...
"That is Jiang Hao Chen."
She spun on her heels so fast she almost fell, her hand going to rest over her bitting heart.
A few feels from her, resting his tall frame against the large desk, Fei Hong stared at her, his soft eyes s.h.i.+ning with barely hidden amus.e.m.e.nt... And maybe even a tinge of relief.
"Our father" he went on, walking slowly to her side, pointedly ignoring her shocked expression or the venomous curve of her lips "Or, at least, how the artists saw the famous G.o.d of War... I myself admit not to remember his shoulders been so large... But then again, it was all a long time ago..." he sighed, his eyes burrowing on the portrait.
Sam breathe deeply, trying to control her still racing heart as the bolt of fright slowly ebbed from her blood system.
"When...When did you get here?" she mumbled, observing him from the side of her eyes.
"I'm just arrived" her brother a.s.sured "I usually ask Ye Qi too air this place once or twice a week... I had forgotten it was supposed to be today."
Seeing her confused frown, he explained.
"This was our father study... And his father's before him... It is here that the Head of the Jiang family has always made the most important decisions."
Sam started to agree, until something stroke her as odd.
"But you don't work here" she mused "I've been to your study... you are always on your courtyard."
Instead of answering, Fei Hong just sent her a sad smile, deciding to turn around and look over the old room.
"It's been a long time since anyone has been here" he said out-loud, his fingers brus.h.i.+ng slightly over the smooth surface of the desk "We kids were not allowed to get closer than ten feet" he smiles sourly "Not that it ever stopped us... I sometimes wonder what would have become of us all if only we had learned our place and stood away"
He laughed, a sound so empty and haunted that made Ying Yue s.h.i.+ver as she watched his eyes becoming lost, glazing over with the weight of memories from another time...
Her heart seemed to squeeze on her chest, making her eyes moist for Fei Hong's suffering.
Without thinking, she blurted the first thing that came to her mind.
"Fei Hong I... I'm sorry I ran away like that" she gulped, cringing at the high-pitched tone of her own words "I wasn't thinking." she completed, this time making sure it sounded more like talking and less like screaming.
Fei Hong startled, his eyes widening as he turned his gaze back at her, as if he had forgotten she was even there. Squirming with the sudden attention, she waited as the meaning behind her words finally registered on his head, softening his eyes and lifting his lips on a small, affectionate smile.
"It was not your fault, Ah Ying" he rea.s.sured her "I'm just sorry you had t watch everything... It must have been shocking."
"I... I felt sick" she agreed, hugging her body tight against the cold slowly sipping inside her bones, making her s.h.i.+ver "It wasn't right... Ah Mei didn't do anything wrong."
"No, she didn't" he agreed "I'm afraid it is her fate to be a maid on this household..." he turned back to look at his father's portrait "It doesn't cease to amaze me how the fall of one can bring misfortune for so many others around him".
Sam frowned, studying the fire burning on his black eyes as he stared, almost daring the old G.o.d of War to walk out of the painting and face the consequences his actions had wrought over his children. Just then, she recollected the Daoist master's words from earlier, whispering that not everything was always as simples as it seemed.
Finally, she understood.
"Uncle didn't really have a choice today, did he?" she whispered in a tight voice, turning her eyes to the painting as well "We are still paying for whatever happened in the past."
Fei Hong just nodded, his voice sounding empty and flat.
"There is no going back from being proclaimed a traitor. His Majesty can go back and say he was mistaken... But the streets will always remember. And the other n.o.bles will never let us forget" he laughed at himself "As they say, there would be no false accusation if with had done nothing worth accusing."
Sam looked back at him, stunned.
"So it doesn't really matter what we do, does it? It wasn't just about what happened with Tong Zhi Ruo..." she finally understood "Then today... Today was..."
"Today was the imperial family's way to remember us that a chicken may learn to fly, but it can never be a phoenix" he looked back at her, his expression pained "They were remembering our uncle in which hands all our lives hung... And how little they thought of it."
"This is wrong..." she whispered, her mind spinning "This is so wrong... Did her... Did I even like that Crown Prince before?" she asked, turning to look back at the moon peeking through the drapery "Was all this even worth it?".
Fei Hong didn't answer, he just stood by her side, silently waiting as their emotions flew high and started receding once again, just as the torch flames with the swipe of the night wind. All along, he could feel his father's gaze over him, his overbearing, restricting figure staring at his son with barely hidden antagonism.
'It was not supposed to be you' the words hung around him, repeated in every surface, eery corner and piece of paper on that room 'It was never meant to be you'.
Fei Hong closed his eyes tightly, feeling his sister's presence at his side and holding desperately at the peace of mind her returning safely to the manor brought him.
He knew, deep down he knew it wasn't supposed to be him. That he was wrong in every sense of the way, he was unworthy... But he was all that was left, and his family needed him.
Fei Hong let go of the breath he didn't even notice he had been holding, turning his eyes to watch Ying Yue once more.
For his little sister, for the name of his family... He would make sure that even he was enough.
___
Sam looked over everything she had gathered around the bed with a tired sigh.
Under the dim light of the two candles she had managed to lit, the paper looked older, the ink darker and the splotches around her messy handwrite even harder to ignore.
On the darkened room, with only her as their witness, the English phrases seemed almost out of place, the foreign symbols on the old History scrolls almost cry their indignation with being paired with such a heresy.
It was all very weird... And her tired brain seemed unable to think much beyond how comfortable it would be to lay her head on that weird, cube-shaped pillow.
Blinking slowly, her head turned of its own volition to her open window, gaze straying to the direction she knew stood the old study.
Earlier, when Fei Hong had finally managed to close the door behind them, all its lights out once again, Sam had though it looked no different that any other forgotten, inoffensive place on the manor. It hit her as funny how so much pain and history could be hidden if one just closed the door and blew out the fire.
"Just like all these books..." she mumbled sadly, turning once more to her bed. Being told about the country's history was fine if you were just sight-seeing, but to live there...? There were probably thousands of details people would forget, things that may matter more than anyone ever noticed...
The devil lives on the details, as her mother used to say.
Still, she wasn't any closer to being able to read the thing than she had been the day Ah Mei brought it all to her rooms.
Ah Mei...
She closed her eyes, the girl's image invading her thoughts once more.
Ah Mei had been sleeping when Sam visited the servants quarters. A drugged sleep, if the strong stench of herbs and healing flesh was anything to go by.
Still, even at that momento, Sam could see the pained lines on the girl's face, the whitish, sweaty quality of her skin the telltale of the abuse she had endured for her... Still, she hadn't had the heart to wake her to feel even more pain, doesn't matter how much she wanted to apologize. Instead, she instructed another two maids to take care of Ah Mei, leaving instructions to be awaken if anything was amiss.
Going back to her courtyard after that had been surprisingly difficult. When she had arrived, the lack of light, along with the completely absence of any human activity had left the hairs on her arms standing and her body s.h.i.+vering. Instead of the warm light coming from inside, as well as the two lantern Ah Mei usually left on the porch, Sam was greeted by a deep, inscrutable darkness, broken only by a solitary lantern hanging precariously on her empty porch.
Inside the room, she had even managed to knock her toes on what probably was the foot of a chair, before almost knocking a very old, very important vase down with her searching arms. It shamed her to just then understand how much she had come to rely on Ah Mei's attentive and dutiful care.
When Fei Hong a.s.sured her she had been cared by a physician, she could see in his eyes he had done it solely thinking of her peace of mind and of what would make her happy. It wasn't out of respect and sympathy for another human being, as Sam had hoped, but it was something... And so late at night, she wouldn't begrudge a kindness such as that from a brother that clearly seemed to care for her so much.
"About the reasons behind Uncle's actions today..." Fei Hong had said with a tired, small smile "If you still want, we can talk about everything tomorrow... Just make sure you stop by our sister's rooms before you retire... She has been waiting for you all night".
And so, Sam had just nodded slowly, bidding him goodnight before making her way towards her elder sister's rooms. For a few minutes, she could still feel his gaze accompanying her, the weight of some hidden family secret haunting him as his eyes turned numb and his hands closed on a white-nuckeled grip.
Even if she truly wanted to embrace that life, there was so much she still didn't understand... Of course, it was better than before, and now she really wanted to get a grip of the situation, but it wasn't ideal.
So, she was actually quite relieved when her sister's personal maid attended her and explained that Qing Chang had fallen asleep while waiting for her to return. With such gloomy thoughts hanging over her head like a cloud of doom, the last thing she would be able to do was rea.s.sure the girl or even try and appear repentant.
Sam sighed, getting up once more and, with a few side looks to make sure she wasn't being watched, threaded carefully to the small, hidden drawer. With some difficulty considering the low illumination, she was finally able to reach the books. Books that the real Ying Yue had considered important enough to hide even from her closest relations.
If the fact that no-one ever said anything or came looking for it was anything to go by.
Weighing the volumes on her heads, Sam let her eyes roam, once more turning to the direction of Jiang Hao Chen's study.
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"What exactly did you do?" she whispered "What is it that made the King suspect your family? What could it be so that it still hangs over our heads years later...?"
Turning once more to the secret books, she put then again on the drawer, making sure it was entirely hidden from any eye beyond hers.
Something was telling her the answers lay inside those books...
That maybe the words it held where hiding even bigger, more terrible secrets than she had ever bargained to find out.
__________________ 2 MONTHS LATTER ___________________________
...
PREVIEW
"Ah Ying gongzi!"
"Young Master Ying, good morning!"
"Gongzi, hao*!"
Sam waved back, smiling to herself as she walked through the streets inconspicuously, meeting new people and talking lightly with a few merchants. It had been easier than she expected to keep her disguise.
Now, she could start planing ahead.
Hao: h.e.l.lo, hi
Gongzi: young master.